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Christmas crackers

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vampirequeen Tue 01-Dec-15 16:51:01

It's the first of December. I've contained myself as long as I can. The Christmas torture begins today in the form of Christmas cracker jokes.

Laugh, groan, add your own but most of all have fun.

Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon?
He stood in front of the fire and melted!

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Grandma2213 Wed 09-Dec-15 23:51:04

Cari made me giggle too! grin

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Galen Wed 09-Dec-15 12:36:17

Groan!

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CariGransnet (GNHQ) Wed 09-Dec-15 11:55:23

Stolen shamelessly from Facebook (but they made us giggle)

1. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

2. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

3. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

4. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

5. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

6. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

7. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

8. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

9. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

10. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

11.'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

12. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

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GeminiJen Wed 09-Dec-15 11:17:17

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer! tchsmile

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vampirequeen Wed 09-Dec-15 10:02:37

How do witches tell the time?

With a witch-watch!

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Grandma2213 Mon 07-Dec-15 03:14:08

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

Deep pan, crisp and even!

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Greyduster Sun 06-Dec-15 10:34:20

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!

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Gagagran Sun 06-Dec-15 10:31:40

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in the chimney?
A. 'flu

Why does Santa have three gardens?
A. So he can ho, ho, ho

What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A. A puddle

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
A. Because they're stuffed

Why does a golfer wear two pairs of trousers?
A. In case he gets a hole in one

Why couldn't the cat work his DVD player?
A. Because he kept hitting the paws button

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A. A Christmas quacker

It's the way I tell them! tchwink

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hulahoop Sun 06-Dec-15 09:40:45

Two cannibals eating a man one starts at top and one from bottom he says I'm having a b--l the other one says slow down you're eating two fast !

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Helena1 Sat 05-Dec-15 23:25:01

Two goldfish in a tank.
One says to the other "you drive and I'll man the guns"...

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"...

Two budgies standing on a perch.
One says to the other "do you smell fish?"...

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chrissyh Sat 05-Dec-15 21:03:09

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

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GeminiJen Sat 05-Dec-15 12:46:36

What's green and hairy and goes up and down?...............
A gooseberry on a lift...
(courtesy of my DGS)

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Misslayed Sat 05-Dec-15 10:24:01

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.

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DotMH1901 Sat 05-Dec-15 10:20:58

What's black and white and read all over

A newspaper

Why did the sand blush?

Because the sea weed

Two biscuits were crossing the road and one got run over. What did the other one say?

Oh Crumbs!

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vampirequeen Fri 04-Dec-15 14:57:23

How can you get your name in lights the world over?

Change your name to Emergency Exit!

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JulieGransnet (GNHQ) Thu 03-Dec-15 21:51:33

How does an eskimo build a house?

Igloos it.

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posie Thu 03-Dec-15 21:14:42

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk!

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Anya Thu 03-Dec-15 10:23:13

My GS will love that one Posie grin

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posie Thu 03-Dec-15 09:45:11

Where do Pirates do their Shopping?

Arrrrrrrgos!

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Bellanonna Thu 03-Dec-15 09:12:52

Vq grin

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vampirequeen Thu 03-Dec-15 08:39:12

Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not?


Because it wasn't raining!

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vampirequeen Wed 02-Dec-15 10:22:45

Doctor, Doctor! Everyone thinks I'm a liar!

Doctor: I don't believe you!

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Gagagran Wed 02-Dec-15 08:19:35

What do you call a cow that plays a guitar?

A mooooosician. (Courtesy of my cracker at our WI Christmas lunch outing)

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TwiceAsNice Wed 02-Dec-15 07:45:34

What do cats put in their drinks in summer?
Mice cubes
Courtesy of 6 yr old DGD

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rosesarered Tue 01-Dec-15 21:04:02

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satan worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!

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