Is anyone awake to hand hold through a hard time?

Would two singles that can be fixed together then separated if /when needed be a solution? I know that friends said when the mental intimacy begins to go due to dementia the physical closeness is comforting for both partners.

www.linxbeds.co.uk/zip-and-link

Thinking of you and hoping that things are improving and you are getting some more help

Yes Westie, he did ask if the cupboard was the toilet today, and when he was in hospital was wandering into other people's cubicles looking for the toilet. Luckily, guided away each time before any embarrassing occurrences. Thanks for the tip about the hospital bed. We have shared a bed for so long, that it feels like a huge step to have separate beds, but I guess the threat of incontinence looms. Oh this is all so horrible, not what my retirement was supposed to be at all.

Please ask Social Services to refer you to their OT - this should have been done before you left hospital. They will be able to organise the loan of a suitable bed - we got this for my Dad and it was a great help.

Let us hope that your dear OH settles down a bit now he is back in familiar surroundings; but please do not hesitate to keep knocking on doors for any services that might help you - you have paid lots of taxes over the years and it is right that you should now tap into all the services that you can find.

Don't buy a double electric bed. I had our double bed adjusted by occupational therapy, but in a very short space of time he was incontinent and we were supplied by occ therapy with an electric single bed, not very glamourous but served its purpose for over a year and its adjustability made getting him in and out so easy. 'Cosmetic' electric beds do not have an up down movement, just structured lifts at both ends, which is no good if your husband eventually needs assistance getting in and out. the electric beds are also very expensive, if they're any good. I've just bought a single one because I need to sleep in a raised position and that was over £2000, many of the companies were quoting over £5000 - for a single bed!!!! Go down the occ therapy route of a free hospital bed, if you've got the space, and if you sleep in another room set up a baby alarm.

Re the disorientation, make large labels words and pictures for each door, cupboards are often mistaken for toilets. Hope all goes well, glad he's home.

...Just popped in to say 'hello' I can't advise on the bed. I slept on a futon for years, they're very comfortable, but like you I now need something a bit higher up, so will watch out for views on adjustable electric beds on this thread

Good to see you're feeling more positive. All the best x

Thank you everyone. We are home now. The trip home (all of 15 minutes)exhausted dh so much that he slept most of the evening, and then was totally disorientated during the night, thinking it was lunchtime. Much more lucid, and back to his old self this morning, and I have managed to trim his beard and give him a haircut. Now gearing up to a bath. I have to admit there were a couple of times in the night that I wondered whether I had done the right thing bringing him home, but feel much more positive this morning.
He has completely forgotten the layout of our flat, and needs guiding to the bathroom. He has also already forgotten that he was in hospital, although he is vaguely aware that he has been away.
One thing you may be able to advise me on. We have always slept on a double futon (old hippies!), but he really can't cope with getting up and down on and off it, so I have decided to buy a 5' adjustable electric bed - we can't fit in anything bigger. Does anyone have any recommendations, or experience of what to buy or not to buy? I believe I would be able to get vat knocked off with the correct medical proof.
While I have been posting this, he has been falling in and out of sleep, and talking away. I can't make head or tail of any of it, so am just agreeing with everything. This has been going on for a while since before the hospitalization, but seems worse now.

Gosh, what a desperate situation!
I feel it ought to be possible for the hospital to arrange for a few days of respite care on d/c from hospital so that you can rest a bit before your husband comes home.
I agree you really need to discuss it with management and be firm with them.
I wish you some comfort soon.

Just sending you my love Tingaloo. I am thinking of you.

Tingaloo
Where do you live? Would you like some company at the hospital with you? Sometimes things are much easier to cope with if you just have someone by your side

Tingaloo, I'm sorry I didn't see your message sooner. I was in an identical situation for 2 years prior to losing my husband 3 years ago, including the security restraint in hospital and the hallucinations. Because my husband was a lot older than me, the hospital assumed I was the same age and called my son in the middle of the night. Having some experience of the working of the nhs I kicked up such a fuss that he was transferred to a single room where the noise and light of the ward didn't disturb him. But for whatever reason the refused sedation and more importantly didn't call out the psychiatric team, which they should have done. You should ask if this has been done.
As its now a week later I hope you and your husband are peacefully at home. Sadly if your husband becomes too difficult to handle you will have to consider residential care, there are some very good homes out there with superb caring staff.
I was lucky, I knew a private career who would come and give me a break occasionally and who was brilliant with my husband, I also had the local social services team in to help get him up and dressed each day and in my area this was a free service for the first 3 months. But it's very much a case of if you don't know who to ask you don't get. I found the once he had been assessed the local dementia team were a brilliant source of information and help.
I know that different areas have different set ups, and I wish I could be more help. My thoughts are with you, hang on in there and make a fuss if you're not getting the attention you need.

Hi tingaloo,
I hope you managed to get some sleep, and remember to eat, as I know you want to look after your hubby, but you need strength, I agree with Galen, Do you have any help?
Nana3, has a good idea, maybe that will help you too, #
Know that even though we only virtual friends on here. we care sweetheart, so don't feel alone Sending hugs xxxx

Thinking of you both Tingaloo...Just don't run yourself ragged now that he is home again... as many have said, here, your own health is just as important as that of your DH...and if he were not ill, he would be adding his voice to others by reminding you of that.

Keep posting and letting us know how things are going...

Just over a week from your original post tingaloo and so much has moved on for the better. I'm intrigued to know how things pan out for you and you DH now and in the future, and hope you keep chatting to us on here

Dear Tingaloo,
So sorry to hear about this situation.
He definitely needs an assessment by a psycho geriatritian. Has he had a diagnosis of dementia? Is he on any medication. I found my brother was helped very much by Memantine and lorazepam. Has he had a brain scan?
If he is this aggressive there is no way you should agree to have him home and he should go to a proper dementia unit, hopefully near where you live.
You are not alone .

I know this is upsetting but it would mean you would be able to visit him and support him while maintaining your own health.

He has just been weighed - 51.3 kilos, or 8.08 stones. He is 6 foot. Time to up the food supplements I think!

Very heartening post Tingaloo. So pleased for you. Don't disappear. Keep updating.

Tingaloo, I am so pleased that help is being offered and plans put in place for you both. It is natural to want to do everything for ourselves for our loved ones but sometimes that means drawing on the strength of others and we shouldn't be afraid to ask for that help as it isn't always freely offered when we appear to be coping without. Pleased to hear you are feeling upbeat about welcoming your husband home and hope the familiar surroundings with comfort and calm him, too.

So glad that you have been able to build a bit of a safety net around you so that it is possible to carry on. That is good news indeed.

I saw the Social Worker yesterday, and I am to have respite for one to two weeks three or four times a year, and emergency respite if I am ill, or if there is a problem with my 90 year old mother who lives over 100 miles away. At the moment Iam more than happy to do his personal care. He is coming home this afternoon. I am excited and apprehensive at the same time as he is still very confused, especially as the day goes on. He says he cannot remember where we live, but I am hoping he will recognise it when he gets home. He has been referred to the adult Mental Health team, who will be coming to the house to assess him, and I am in contact with my Admiral Nurse. So I am feeling fairly upbeat, and a lot more confident about creating a fuss if I think it is necessary. His son came up from Wales for a couple of days to see him, which delighted him (and me). I can't reiterate enough how much the support and advice I have been given on gransnet have meant to me during this dark time. What a lovely knowledgeable group you all are.

How are things tingaloo?

What lovely people on this post. Lovely words of support. It certainly is refreshing to read during these dark nights and times. I realy hope things are in place for you.

Hang on in there. Glad you had some sleep last night

Good about the urologist. MiL's dementia was always worse when she has a UTI.