Getting words wrong

A friend who is very 'clean living' was abroad for the wedding of one of his children. About 10 guests from both sides of the family were present. It was very hot.
Said friend was sitting in the hotel lounge area as everyone gathered. He gasped and said...... 'It is so hot..... my foreskin (forehead) has beads of sweat''' Everyone fell about laughing.... and he has never been allowed to forget it

A friend of mine was sort of verbally dyslexic, was moaning about having to wear he spare glasses because they made her look like Dave Hemorrhage. (sp)

It took me some time to work out that she meant Dame Edna Everage!

She also told me that when on holiday in Egypt they were warned about a certain fish, that if you even touched one of it's utensils you could get a severe reaction.

Then there was the time when we were talking about relationships, and she was very earnest about believing in mahogany (and other tropical hardwoods, I suppose!)

Back in the 1960s I worked with an Australian girl who walked into the postroom at work, which was also the stationary store, and asked the assembled post boys whether they had got any Durex.

It turned out that in Australia Durex was the brand name for what we called sellotape. She came back to the office, without her roll of 'Durex' but very puzzled, we gently explained to her what she had asked for.

It was months before she could see one of the post boys without running for cover.

I told my daughter that we could watch a dvd and have some cockporn
( popcorn).

Our estate agent had a favourite decorator who always painted houses with 'Mongolia' paint. I never refer to the shade as anything else these days!

We had a builder do some work for us a couple of years ago who told us his wife had got 'the big K'. Despite feeling sorry for him we had a hard job not to

I have heard quite a few people refer to skellingtons for skeleton and also say chimney for chimney.

iPad correcting me again! I meant chimley for chimney.

We went for a sofa and looked around the showroom until we saw one we liked - it was upholstered in a cotton material covered with impressionist style flowers. The boy wonder salesman descended on us, and before we could name it, he said "I see you have chosen the Ke-zany" We refrained from pointing out that the label called it the "Cezanne"

DBH was replacing the immersion heater and using a very large spanner. DD2 aged about 2 looked at said spanner and said 'Daddy, what big nuts you have!'

My mother, asking a young man in Iceland if he had melon balls...........

A Domestic Science teacher I knew pronounced her surname Diggins as De'Guyane.
DS won't even attempt to say binoculars (he calls then biknockulares), chimneys are always called chiminies)
Dear mum's bloomers include dommytoss for Domestos and saying they went to Tosser del Mer (presumably somewhere in Spain, Tosca del Mer?)

An unfortunate surname I totally cocked up was Swarbrick - I yelled across the farmyard to DH that 'Mr. X. Smallprick' was on the phone. DH just couldn't talk to him, or face him later. It was so hard trying to keep a straight face.

Apologies to anyone with that surname

My boss's mother said her neighbour was very useful when she wanted a screw!

A young relative drew her granny a lovely picture of some animals. There was a horizontal line and some thing unrecognisable drawn underneath it. Granny asked what was it? The young girl said " a bu**er, granny".
Granny was somewhat shocked and speechless.

" you know Granny, a bu**er that lives in a hole under the ground."

She of course meant a Badger. When not in polite company we refer to Badgers by their alternative name! x

Colleague I worked with many years ago said quite seriously "my dads favourite nipple is drambuie".......

Another friend lived next door to newly installed (if you know what I mean) female Vicar. Friend was out in the garden when the window cleaner came round, and was a tad disconcerted to hear Lady Vicar striding down the path shouting "Get your ladder out of my bush"!

Ddil on first encountering mangetout referred to them as mangy toots.

And my gran's neighbour used to speak about a "doggy dog world."

Loopylou Your Mil wasn't far out, 'Tossa del Mar' situated north of Barcelona.

Thanks FlicketyB

I used to say "mind of information" instead of "mine of information". Mine made more sense to me then and it does now.

It's Tossa de Mar

I used to mark a lot of exam papers. One of my favourites was describing someone with depression as " having a low self of steam" . Also the child who was off school,with "dire rear" .

It's sometimes the intonation/context rather than the wrong word that causes hilarity. We were all out for an Italian meal one evening and my brother asked the waitress 'how big are your tiramisus?' It turned into one of those oo-er missus moments and has gone down in family legend.

KateK That's hilarious.