The flipping Idiot strikes again! No need to read - I just have a need to vent!!

DD is working on not relying on it and being surprised when any money comes!
That's a very good idea. Take away any shreds of power that he still has over her.

Thank you Mishap! Gn is great for venting and getting support!

Isn't it hard when your children bring home someone you think is unsuitable and you can see the writing on the wall? You dare not speak out as you could cause them to dig their heels in and create a rift that might not mend. I can see you trying to like him through gritted teeth. Sometimes you can be happy to be wrong, as I am sure you would have been if he had turned out OK. I really do feel for you - I would be seething knowing that my very DD deserved so much better from life. I am sure that you are her rock. Vent away!

We paid the bill so she could get on with trying to build her business without the stress but she is saying she will pay us back.

Regarding Mediation, she suggested it, we offered to pay - guess the answer? The problem with involving the CMS is that he will take offence, not pay at all and be very obstructive when he is chased. DS1's partner took her ex to the CSA and he stopped paying anything at all while they were investigating and then, of course, he couldn't afford to pay the amount owing. DD is working on not relying on it and being surprised when any money comes!

He really is a a s**t. We tried very hard to like him from the outset, despite our reservations about him, how I wish we hadn't bothered!

kittylester - yes, children benefit from continued contact with the parent they don't live with. The benefits can be outweighed by ongoing stress and conflict between their parents. I feel for your daughter, what a horrible thing to happen, to be reassured the bill would be paid and then find herself owing such a large amount.

Would she and her ex both agree to go to mediation? Some solicitors offer excellent mediation, from properly trained mediators. There will be a fee in most cases. Relate offer mediation to help people separate without game playing (to put it simply). The mediators in either of those organisation will be experienced and focussed on helping the parents reach amicable agreements about maintenance and contact. I'm with the posters who say this needs to be on a legal footing (though I do sympathise with the sticking pin brigade)

I feel for you all in this situation and count myself (and my DD) so lucky that her separation is still reasonably amicable.No hassles over finances and she is starting a new job which she is excited about and is cosidering studying for an MA. The children are older than some of yours I think at nearly 16 and 12 so are dealing with it although the 12 year old misses Dad very much but he has now moved into a house and she will see more of him.However I must admit I keep waiting for "the wheels to fall off".

mcem . I've been there too!

I was intrigued by the idea of shovels and concrete but was shocked by my own reaction when I heard that DD's idiot had been in a car crash. First thought - were the children in the car? NO they weren't. Second thought ...............
(He's ok.)

You have my sympathy kittylester our DD and her idiot, finally split up two years ago but sadly he still casts a long shadow. You can only offer advice when she asks, you can't tell her what to do. It's heartbreaking seeing your daughter so hurt and being helpless. Keep smiling kitty. What goes around comes around.......I hope!

How did you guess Mishap?

The thing is, Far, that DD is a grown up and we can only suggest! She has had a long time being bullied by the Idiot so we can only take small steps in helping her to stand up to him. We can't tell her what to do. DH and I don't jump to his tune but are supporting DD to jump less and less. Luckily, we could support her if necessary.

According to DD1, who knows about these things, unless the children are being abused in some way by the Idiot (and they are not) regular and ongoing contact with their father is vital. Sad as that may be! To be fair, he is not too bad a father.

Oh that she had never met him! - you must curse him daily.

I think it would be a good idea for your DD to take Penstemmon's advice and at least discuss the situation with a law firm which is experienced in family cases.

This pathetic excuse for a person knows that he has you all jumping to his tune and is enjoying it.

At least find out if there is any better way of going about things.

btw - how useful can it possibly be for children to be in contact with such a person, especially if they are aware of his antics towards your DD?

Thank you all - you made me laugh and I feel much calmer! Nina

It is very difficult to know how to move forward. He has bullied Dd for the whole of their time together and she is doing well at standing up to him but, until her business takes off, she is dependent on him and benefits.

He is very slippery and totally unprincipled. The money he agreed to give her per month is only slightly short of the CMS figure so, with the addition of the car, petrol and repairs, she would be doing ok moneywise but he is so manipulative and volatile that it is a bit of a tightrope. DD is keen to maintain contact for the children. A regular CMS amount would be good but he would still mess about and going back to the CMS just takes more time and he would play silly b*****s to serve her right!

We do support her and the children and our other children are happy with this but she does want to be independent. My issue is that we would find it difficult to do the same should anyone else need our help and, as some of you know, DS1 is disabled and we help him out when necessary too!

I'm standing patiently in the queue for the shovel and concrete
rose can I put an order in for a doll please ? With a mobile phone stuck you know where.

I won't bore you with the story.

I think she would be better to ask for a CMS assessment. All this car stuff does not really help her. Regular payments via CMS would be easier for your DD to plan her budget.

Send the car back and say thanks but no thanks and find a local law firm that deals in family mediation as a specialism. They will do their best to avoid a tit for tat approach and try to keep the children's needs paramount.

And it is only a virtual car

loopylou sorry

looplou I am normally very, very nice and placid

However, he has previous.

Is he using the car as part of his maintenance? She'd be better off with the cash.

If I was her I'd use the fuel card to pay for other people's fuel and let them pay me the cash.

roseq!
I definitely need to note the GNs that I must keep on the right side of.....!

If it is a lease car then some companies will pay for new tyres as part of the lease agreement - usually an optional extra. He could be trying to pull a fast one just to be spiteful.

So sorry he is still manipulating and causing even more upset. He must have a sick personality to get enjoyment from upsetting the mother of his children like this.

I have my hatpins at the ready and am just off to mould a little figure. I will shove a toy car up its arse backside for good measure.

You just can't be too sure in some circumstances Ana

(*Kitty*, if you do the job properly the first time you won't need to keep passing the cement and shovel round! )

Kitty your DD should accept nothing from the idiot, other than properly arranged maintenance payments.
Being messed around by him is not an easy option for her or anyone else.

You say that helping her is not fair to your other children - have you asked them? They might be willing for you to help her with money if it reduces stress all round.

Your DD should use legal means to get whatever she can out of him and shouldn't put up with his stupid games any longer.

Oh yes!!!