Advice needed about 87 year old FIL

Anya you posted exactly what I thinking. It's usually within the year.

It's all very sad, the thing is he can't just get on with it, he is grieving and sad. Surely there is an Aged.uk organisation that could help organise some activities for him and possibly meals on wheels.

When very elderly people lose their life-long partners, often the other dies quite soon after. Sometimes they just give up.

I seem to remember that your FiL was a demanding and somewhat difficult man? If so, losing his wife is not going to change his nature and character and putting it bluntly, whatever you do, any of you, it won't be enough because you are not his late wife who was there every day. You are going to have to do what suits all of you, and he will have to go along with it, there is nothing to be gained from making others ill from exhaustion. He cannot have what he wants if it is to the detriment of others' lives and health.

Is he managing day to day tasks like shopping, cooking, cleaning etc?
Reactive depression is pretty normal but if he's not taking care of himself then perhaps he needs to think about what help (practical) needs he has.
If he's not eating properly then that won't help how he's feeling.
Perhaps all of you getting together (I realise that's impossible at the moment Katek, with a baby due) and having a discussion about what is/isn't/could be possible would give him some structure to work with.
Certainly a GP check up would be a good start so any depression can be highlighted and treated.
to you, no easy answers I fear x

My mother died exactly three months after my dad. He was 87 and she was 83. But they had lived in their own home for all their married lives and were moved into care homes six weeks before he died. My mother always said that my dad would not be able to cope if she died first.
I agree with jingl. It's only three months. Spring might not make it any better. I remember the Spring after my husband died, walking up the hill with someone who said what a nice day it was, and bursting into tears because my husband would not see it. He avoided me for a couple of weeks. He had been on holiday when my husband died and had not been told.
I'm still thinking about moving, three years on. It's difficult when you've looked after someone for a long time and then he/she is not there. He needs time.

Because of his age I think we possibly feel,additional pressure to do certain things. I do agree about not moving for a while, but in 18 months he may no longer be here himself. HildaJ, I do like the idea of a day centre and have googled services in his area. I've just forwarded info to DH and his sister.

Think the best we can do is to be quite clear with him about what we can reasonably do and give him all the information about support services to mull over. I had a similar situation with my mother many years ago which was absolutely horrific to live through. My SIL has my every sympathy as the one on the spot.

When my mother died my father was left all alone. He had no friends. He never had any interest in gardening, bowls, walking , the usual things retired men do. It took my sisters and I ages to persuade him to go to a day centre. It wasn't until he was unable yo use the bath that he agreed. (He was able to have a bath at the day centre). Once he was used to going, he looked forward to Mondays, and joined in with whatever was on in the centre.
Would your FiL agree to something like this? It helped my Dad.

And the other posts on here! (I am slow typing on tablet)

Good sensible post, jingls

They say give it 18 months before you think of moving after a bereavement, but it might be a good idea to suggest it again in a few months. He is being very needy at the moment and has got to get used to his new situation. Presumably they were together for a very long time.
You can support him but he does have to realise that you cannot be constantly at his beck and call.
He sounds too curmudgeonly to move in with any family.

He does need more time - he is grieving. Even awkward old so and sos grieve - but it is a bit harder to feel sympathy than with someone who has always been cheerful and charming. It must be so hard for you all.

It is early days and big decisions need to be shelved till the dust has settled a little. Sometimes making a move at his age can start a downward spiral, however practical an idea it might seem on paper. At least where he is he has familiar things around him.

Whether he is suffering a treatable depression or is simply grieving could only be decided by a doctor.

It is impossible when an old person refuses all the avenues for help and support - but so common as to be almost normal.

I do not think there is much more that you can do except provide the support to your SIL and help her to understand that she cannot solve his problems - he has to go through this dreadful grieving process in his own way.

I think a word with his GP might be beneficial Jane10, it certainly won't do any harm to make him aware of the situation.

Vampirequeen-yes, he's always been demanding, very volatile temperament and shouts when things aren't going his way. He's also always right. I hate to say it but he's not a pleasant, likeable man and at one point even told DH he was no son of his. Makes it very hard sometimes.

It's still very early days isn't it? October is only three months ago. You say he seems sadder now than he was before, when he wanted to go on holiday. Perhaps he didn't mourn quite enough at the beginning. It sounds as though he might be suffering delayed grief now that the reality of his situation has hit him. I think it will take him a lot longer than this to get used to be without his life-long partner.

Perhaps there is nothing more you, or your sister-in-law can do at the moment, apart from giving a sympathetic ear on the phone. Perhaps in the Spring, when the baby has arrived safely, you will all be able to visit him. The new baby could be very helpful in cheering him up.

I would think it is too soon to try to move him from his home. Give him more time before mentioning that again.

You say he was always demanding. Was his wife at his beck and call? Maybe he simply expects that someone else will fill that gap.

Sadly I dont think there is much more that you can do.

He has to try and sort out his life. As you say, things have changed.
I would say that he is being the same as he always was.
Though there is no doubt mourning in there as well.

There is no simple solution I'm sorry to say
Just continue to do what you can. He's a sad old man with living alone. It's hard for everyone.

Is it possible to have a quiet word with his GP? He certainly sounds depressed. He may be more likely to listen to the excellent suggestions you have already made if told by a 'professional' who may already know him quite well. Good luck. This is a tough situation.