lonely

I didn't think you could either, but on this Citizens advice page about joint bank accounts it says it depends how the original mandate was set up. I reckon everyone should be aware of this, particularly if their relationship is a bit rocky.

Do you mean he changed the house being jointly owned?
Or the bank account being jointly owned?
I dont know about a mortgage, but he cant have changed a bank joint account like that unless you signed something, or he tricked you in some way.

Oh. Sorry.

[hugs]

Don't you think it would be best to see a solicitor? If the house was sold, you could get your own small place. Build a new life. You would probably be a lot happier.

I didn't know it was possible to change a joint account to just one name without the written consent of the other account holder.

Jinglebellsfrocks yes the house is jointly owned but he changed the joint account to his name only without telling me a few years back.
I found out that when I tried to withdraw some funds from my pay check, so I now have a separate account which he's not happy about but I couldn't care less, I need a divorce but the logistics are impossible.
I know what I want but wanting and getting are two different things, do you for one second think I don't want a way out?

Do you own your house? If so, is it in joint names? And do you have a joint bank account?

You need a divorce, don't you? Sorry to state the fact bluntly, but I think you need to face the reality of that fact.

Thanks Anya and soon to be hugs gratefully received. Annodomini the women's advice is where I've been in the past they offer refuge byt as I work the amount they take is unreasonable. Im well and truly up shit creek without a paddle, what's tgat saying one door closes and another one opens?

Ginette, I am shocked to hear that the CAB has such a backlog of appointments. If you need to look for advice on line, you can use www.adviceguide.org.uk which is useful, though it's much better to have a human being to talk to. Your husband is clearly a psychological abuser and you would be able to get advice from a local Women's Aid organisation as this kind of abuse is taken very seriously. They could also point you in the direction of a solicitor who may offer free advice sessions. Hope this helps.

Their number is 08457 90 90 90 (((hugs)))

If you want to talk to someone you can always ring Samaritans. You don't have to be suicidal to talk to them. They will listen.

<hugs> and <flowers>

I know what you mean about hugs. They make things feel a lot better and more bearable.

<hugs> again.

Feeling hopeless and unwanted, never expected my life to turn out like this, I just called my mother who lives in Tanzania and I felt better, I cant tell her anything though she thinks my husband is such a nice person.
But just hearing her made a difference, I miss my family, I miss my daughter. I just need someone to hug me, I don't get that!

All good wishes and strength you Ginette that things may turn out better for you soon.
I joined here to unburden due to being sad and have had some nice chats and helpful suggestions.
I hope you are finding the same.
PM any time.
No solutions here but always up for a chat.

Ginette - I hope you resolve your situation soon. It is very hard when a child leaves home especially, as in my case, they are an only child. You put all your focus on the child and when they are gone you feel bereft. My daughter is in her 40s now and we are nowhere near as close as we were (or as I thought we were) but at at least we see each other. The situation has changed, that's all. It still upsets me every day. I am fortunate that I have a supportive husband. My daughter has only one child, a daughter too, and I watch her putting all her energy and time into her and I worry that she will suffer the same as I did when she leaves home. Good luck.

You certainly need some legal advice and to put it bluntly, that advice should be on how to get away from the controlling behaviour of your husband. I know he didnt physically force you to have sex, but mentally he did. What is he keeping locked in the safe? Keep talking to us on here, go to your surgery if necessary and demand an emergency appointment, then make an appointment at CAB. There has been good advice on here, and lots of people will have the relevant professional knowledge to help you, as well as the emotional support. This situation is not going to get better until you get the help you so badly need. Please call CAB. Keep us posted, we are all here, and even during the night, there is bound to be someone on GN.

Thanks annodimini have already done that they are inundated at the moment, I cant get an appointment for 6 weeks tried all 3 branches in my area same thing, seems a lot of people need help. I'm just exhausted.
Going back to work tomorrow I've been recuperating after an operation on my right hand, I hope I dont crumble!
Perhaps on the other hand I'll be ok to cope in different surroundings away from this house which is stifling me.
When I look out my window and see people getting on with their lives mine at a standstill, its crippling.
I need hope. I need to feel better. I need happiness so bad.
Oh how I pray!

The sooner you make the break with this control freak the better. If you have a CAB in the locality, go and make an appointment to see an adviser. Everything you say is completely confidential. The Bureau is a mine of vital information and you will find that you have more rights than you think. There will also be information on access to housing and benefits if these are needed. You will feel enlivened if you take this step - inaction is a symptom of depression which can only get worse.

I have phoned GP again there are no emergency appointments you have to call on the day!
Thank you everyone for sharing and caring, as Mishap says there will be an end to it all one day. To be honest my husband doesnt force me to have sex with him he just alienates me completely if I dont! This is why my daughter was more than my daughter, I had a connection with her. I didnt need him as I know he is controlling in every way, he locks everything in a safe! I felt awful yesterday I asked him if he had a first class stamp and he said no! This morning miraculously a stamp appeared on the envelope!
Like I said before if I left this house I would lose out as I did that a few years ago and through the Police he had to let me back home as my daughter was under age. Now that she has left home it would be the perfect time to shut me out!
He just doesnt care, his life is completely unaffected! What father doesn't speak to his daughter? Or is jealous of his wife for being close to her child? A child he doesn't have much to do with anyway?
I have to persevere I've put up with this for a long time, I'm not going to let him win. He's very astute with finances etc, he walked away from a previous marriage after 18 years completely unscathed!
All I need is guys like you (to prop me up) I'll get by with a little help from my friends! There's just so much to say but typing it all is a chore.......... I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart♥

An appointment on 17th Feb is simply not good enough. There has to be a system of emergency appointments at every surgery. Take a deep breath and ring up and ask for one of these.

If you reach rock bottom, then please ring the Samaritans - that is what they are there for. They will help you to think straight in this minefield you are tiptoeing through.

Please take heart that there are many who have faced this situation and come out the other side - you must believe that and hang onto that, because it is true. Sometimes things seem overwhelming and insoluble, but one day you will look back on this patch in your life from a much better place. You have to remember that you are not alone in this. Not only have many others come through this, but you have your virtual friends here on Gransnet to walk beside you.

The first step is to get you strong enough to deal with the situation, and that is where the doc comes in. You will deal with it when you feel stronger.

Do you have any friends or relatives around who might be able to help or provide a place to stay while you sort yourself out?

You can go and see a marriage guidance counsellor on your own if you wish and he or she would be able to help you clear things in your own mind.(www.relate.org.uk/) Your OH does not seem the sort of chap who would be keen on going himself - but he may surprise you.

Your DD will be aware that things are not right between you two - she is not blind. She may be a friend and ally - you never know. Confiding in her may free her up to be honest and open about what is going on at home; or she may be frightened by it and back off. I know that my parents did not get on and there was an unspoken agreement that we did not talk about it, either at home or outside. When, many years after leaving home, I and my siblings started to talk openly about it, it was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Pretending that all is well is a huge burden. It may give your DD the chance to grow up and feel like an adult if she is given the chance to do that.

Take it one step at a time. You have made a good start by acknowledging where the real problem lies and you are now able to look at tackling it.

There will be a solution - no magic wand of course - but a solution nevertheless. The only way is up just now!

Ginette ring your GP surgery and tell them it is an emergency, you really need to get started on some sort of treatment. Also, from what you have said, you need to get some legal advice, you cant keep a roof over your head by unwillingly having sex with someone, even if you are married to him. Do you have a friend you could stay with until you get things sorted?

Some GPs will do telephone appointments. It's not ideal but better than nothing. Is there a counsellor attached to your GP practice?

Keep talking on here.

I think you should tell your doctor that it is an emergency. That way you should be seen this week I would have thought.

You may not think it is, but I think that you need to be seen right away.

Ginette if you really are at rock bottom you could try the Samaritans - they have helped someone I know in a similar state enormously amd it is all done confidentially and anonymously if that is your wish.

Very best wishes - I hope you soon feel a little brighter.