I'm suddenly feeling old!!

But no-one explains in a way that I understand why the "certain scenarios" make them feel uncomfortable. There doesn't seem to be any real reason why such scenarios should make anyone feel anything other than thankful if they did need what was offered or totally unconcerned if they didn't.

The subject comes up frequently on GN so clearly the discomfort is widespread, and it nearly always has to do with age, or what people think other people might think of them and their age.

Has anyone said why this matters? What causes the discomfort? Recognition of reality or something else?

It is the speaking nicely but giving the person a hard stare, a Paddington stare, that I find confusing.

Ffinichio....others could/do see that acceptance of 'I am' as complacency. If I'd accepted the status quo so many good things wouldn't have happened in my life.

Riverwalk....yes, op was lighthearted but underlying sentiment was one of surprise/shock

Thatbags....yes, I minded. I was shocked to be offered help as I didn't actually see myself as someone who fitted into that category.

Soontobe.....op was lighthearted but yes, I did give conductor a stare. Prob more to see if I could work out what was going on as I was taken aback.

Ana......thank you!!

Could it be that when someone offers unsolicited help or concern it can make one feel vulnerable.. I.e. why do they think I need help. ??

Personally I'll take any offers of help

Katek I don't find the sense of self I have to be complacent but perhaps, as you say, others see it as such. It's been very hard won.

Acceptance of how I am does not preclude doubts, concerns or troubles, but includes them. It's just quite simply the whole of me and how I am with it. That's all.

And I'm glad for you Ffinnochio, glad that you're happy and content. That's what it's all about in the end. Tonight at least I will be content - small DGS is coming to stay overnight. DH has just gone to collect him and Nanna's heart will be full.

Coolgran....think you may be heading down the right road but also think it's to do with being seen as different and no longer belonging. Is it the first stage in putting us away? ( in the biblical sense, not care home sense!)

Did you feel that you didnt belong somewhere, when growing up?

This sounds like a whole new topic. What do you mean, soontobe?

To answer your question - I never belonged anywhere. I mentioned on another thread that my father was in the RAF - we went where the squadron went which resulted in 15 moves, 15 schools and 1 year in hospital between the ages of 4 and 18.

My son recently referred to a person in their sixties as elderly. I pointed out to him that he will be that age in just over twenty years and would he think of himself as elderly then? Children usually think their parents are old. DD1 was most upset when GD asked her if she was older than Great Grandma. GG was then in her 80s and DD1 was late 30s.

I also understand when people say they still feel a certain age from when they were younger. For me it was awareness of myself when I was a particular age and I still feel that awareness from that age. If people never felt it they won't understand. It does not mean at all that you want to still be that age and are trying to be young.

That's a really helpful explanation, faye. Thank you.

It still doesn't explain to me why people object so much to being thought old. I understand about the fear of being dismissed if old (with the connotation of "past it" as well) but we are not going to change that attitude by minding offers of help. We will only confront ageism (which offers of help are essentially not; most of the best offers of help I've had were when I was in my twenties and had two toddlers in tow) by doing, not by complaining.

Doing what? Anything that shows you aren't "past it". In short, by living interesting lives.

Good luck, grans .

Not disgruntled as such....have fought for 60 years to be accepted in 'normal' world and am just uncomfortable about having any differences pointed up ( as I feel it)

I've fought so hard to fit into the so called 'normal' world and now I'm having to make more efforts to accept ageing. I'm still the seat offerer not the other way round.

and other parts Soutra.

I think that when we are on the cusp of change so to speak, there is a transition period.

Ah, katek I understand, as the wife of a retired army officer. He retired early and had a second career, so we had twenty more years of stability, but I remember the moves and the concomitant shake ups.

Being old - well, Ihave had my say there.

I would guess that you have had to be very independent, having so frequently moved around when growing up.
I dont think that you need be concerned that you will lose much of that part of you.

I agree enjoy your life while you have it and be proud of reaching milestones. One of my GC has a shorter expected lifespan, others have lost children and grandchildren through accidents and illness. So many will never get the chance to be old.

katek, I had similar experiences, 5 primary 3 high schools and some moves that occurred so quickly I moved schools without any 'goodbyes'. We weren't army children, but part of another uniformed/disciplined service when father's were moved quickly to fill vacancies or because of promotions. Since buying my first house 45 years ago, I've moved twice, both times in the same area. I didn't want my children to experience the frequent changes of schools and brief friendships that I had.

And yet some of those friendships endure and are immensely valuable?

I moved quite a lot too and, as Iam64 experienced also, not in a particularly orderly manner. It was disruptive of education and friendships.

However, I think the upside is that it makes a person more able to adapt to change and to make friends more quickly. I am by nature not particularly extrovert but I believe being "thrown in at the deep end" probably made me more able to cope with social situations than if I'd always had the same group of friends. It doesn't necessarily mean that you lose touch with everyone. I am still in touch with two friends from one of my four primary/junior schools and one friend from one of my three secondary schools.

I got my comeuppance recently when DH, on driving up to stately home ticket kiosk with 6 and 4 year old grandsons, said he was worried they wouldn't give him the seniors reduction. 6 year old said not to worry as Grandpa looked old so he'd get the reduction. The smug smile on my face was wiped off when he added 'but he doesn't look as old as you Granny'. That'll teach me!

grannydil Kids eh!

Did our weekly supermarket shop on the way back from archery today as usual. A man probably at least fifteen years older than me offered to put my trolley away after his own. The offer did not make me feel old(er than I am or than I feel), nor did it make me feel like a weak female. It made me think Thank you! How kind! I said the thank you bit out loud and smiled.

Now I am thinking that the giving and acceptance of kind gestures is like a grace. Enjoy it

thatbags I agree - very nice of him.

Oh I'm very adept in social situations...can work a room as they say but, unfortunately, I never stayed anywhere long enough to make any proper friends. I didn't have a true friend until I was in my thirties and settled with my own family. So no friends from childhood or teenage years at all unlike my children-my son is actually best man at one of his closest friend's wedding next year and they met age 3 in nursery!! I fought tooth and nail to ensure my children would not have the same disruption to their lives as I had.

Soontobe....I like your idea of transition. It sits well with me. Thank you

Isn't the offer of assistance on a train a "social situation"? Not a very deep one, admittedly, but still...

Why would not having any friends from one's childhood or teenage years make a difference to how one reacted to kind gestures? Genuine question. I don't see how it is relevant.

I don't see it would thatbags, kindness is kindness. I agree with Eloethan and KateK about eh benefits of all those moves in ensuring we learned how to appear socially at ease in social situations. Finding the personal skills to survive another playground where you know nobody so have to find your feet, avoid the bullies, work out which groups are likely to be friendly, you'll find these skills invaluable in adult life.
Like KateK, I wasn't anywhere long enough to establish lasting friendships, though I do have many close friends with 30 or 40 years of friendship enjoyed. I'm delighted to see my own children still close friends with people they've known since the age of 2 or 3.