How do you carry on a conversation?

I have become a lot more confident I have got older. I was dreadfully shy as a teenager and well beyond.

With a cross reference to the thread "Coming to terms with how it is"
about relationships with mothers, my mum was caring, but in many ways she managed to make both myself and my sister shy and totally lacking in confidence.

Gosh I wouldn't time it!i suppose I AM a chatterbox a d seldom run out things to say I do try and listen too of course. Some friends I am So natural with that we both chat on and on!

Funnily enough my oldest friend who I met at 16 is a good listener tend sort brag since she inherited lots dosh and we run out topics sometimes she can be hard work.

Try relax and people usually love talk about themselves

I often take a note of what friends have told me so that when I see them next I can ask things like 'weren't you just about to go on holiday last time I saw you?' Then they usually just continue the conversation.

I also take a note of the names of friends grandchildren. They are very impressed when I say 'now how is little Joey'.

I remind myself of the info just before I know I am going to meet up with the friends.

Hope that helps a bit.

Thanks for your replies & tips everyone. I shall endeavour to put them into practise.

pompa you made me burst out laughing. I know one of those too. posie I know where you're coming from.

An interesting thread with lots of ideas. I love asking people about their lives and enjoy listening. Sometimes though I find that leaves me on the end of their spouting and I end up saying nothing at all! That's ok if over time it becomes reciprocal but I have been in the situation where having listened for, an evening say, I've then met the person in question at a later date and they have no memory of having met me!! Urggh.

It's good if you can be comfortable with silences but not many of us are? Helps if you have a good memory too so you can tell stories or even jokes.

You know those people who tell you a story verbatim..'so I said and then he said and she said'...do you think they really remember accurately or do they make it up as they go along?

As Mishap said asking people about themselves in a chatty non interrogative way helps but I can fully understand that if you are shy it is difficult.

I have an OH who only talks at people about whatever interests him until they are glassy eyed. A tell tale indicator of Asperger's.

He came to see me in hospital after a minor op and all I got was 10 mins about how bad the parking was and no "how are you Nellie."

I`m OK amongst family, but if I`m meeting people for the first time, I tend to clam up and listen instead. That`s how I was at the one and only GN meet up I attended, in Birmingham, the rest of the grans must have thought me very boring!

Ohhenetha I think you're brave to admit to that.
If you have talked for 10 minutes and there is no response then you just have to shut up. Be quiet and usually someone will break the silence.
if not, ask for advice. If they know of a house for sale, or a good baker or a good hairdresser

Talking is not a problem for me as I am interested in other people and have some interesting conversations and if there is someone who is really interesting then I do listen. On the whole I am a talker and have to be told to shut up by my family sometimes.

i agree with gagagran, if you can listen to someone then your will be able to have conversation. The weather is always a good place to start - look at the 'good morning' thread here, and then you can move on to gardens - o.k. so you may not have one, but some people do, and families, I think it is important to be INTERESTED in other people.

Oh dear. That is a bit sad. I'm the opposite really. Because I live alone, when I do encounter another living, breathing human being, I open my mouth and have trouble closing it again. I could talk for England, as they say. But I do make an effort to listen as well..... when I remember!

Syntax glitch in that post. Sorry!

If you've been having a conversation for ten minutes, and then freeze, either you haven't been listening to the other person sufficiently to be able to open new lines of conversation. Either that or he/she is so boring that you need to extricate yourself. Go to the loo?

I think it's amazing to keep going for 10 minutes!
I'm a listener rather than a talker and just as well because husband and best friend can talk the proverbial back leg off a donkey.

I am basically shy and find meeting new people very difficult, some years ago I was at a very posh dinner and found myself sitting next to people I had never met before. After the initial small talk I asked the man to my right if he had any hobbies - he then went on to monopolise the conversation for the next hour talking about archery (something I knew nothing about!) all I had to do was ask the odd (fairly) intelligent question and he was away!

In contrast in the last office I worked it was more or less compulsory to have lunch with the partners once a month (this was done on a rota). I was seated between two of the partners who proceeded to talk over me about cricket making no attempt to involve me in the conversation (not that I could have joined in as I have absolutely no knowledge of cricket!) When it next came to my turn to have lunch with them I refused to go stating that it was my lunch break and I could spend it any way I wanted.

Conversation has to be a two way exercise, the other person/people should also make an effort to find out your interests and, especially if you are their guest, make sure you are able to join in the conversation.

I am puzzled that you can keep going for 10 minutes and then freeze. Surely if you have managed to talk to someone for ten minutes without freezing, it is because, around minute three or four, you found some subjects of mutual interest that you are both busily discussing.

Freezing after only a few minutes I understand, but by 10 minutes you should be exchanging email addresses and showing pictures of your grandchildren!

posie, I sympathize.

Listening is the key, that way you will find something in the other's conversation that you can pick up on.

But I think it's nice to be a bit quiet and reflective. We can't all be the life and soul of the party. Be true to yourself

I always struggle meeting new people and am often stuck for something to say. At work I am often left with a "rep" or other visitor and have to find something to say to break and uncomfortable silence. It can be very difficult but once the ice is broken, try shutting me up.

My daughter talks for England. Mostly complete nonsense.

pompa & Charleygirl We have someone like that are you sure it's not my neighbour ? I have listened to her tales of her three marriages and how they went wrong for the past 6 yrs,maybe she has not realised she is the common denominator as yet ?
I listen and nod in the right places and have not been caught out as yet.
posie A little line to quote is "Isn't it nice to just sit quietly and take in the surroundings",it gets you out of a loss of topic most times.

I once had plenty of time to observe someone locally who never runs out of things to say, and people find interesting.
She talked endlessly about local things. The local neighbours, local neighbour's dog, who was thinking to move house, the weather, the shop, someone who lived in the same next village, local people who were no longer around, etc etc.
Then the church, the road, what someone was/was no longer doing etc!

Agree with Gk about active listening. Active listening, incidentally, is the polar opposite of man-listening.

Ask open questions, ie requiring something other than a yes or no answer.

Eg Not 'do you like reading' but 'What sort of books do you like to read'

I often ask the person I am stuck with how they know a common friend. Or rather, a friend or acquaintance we have in common. If I get desperate I ask if they would like me to fetch them something. I have an afternoon of small talk ahead of me this Friday, I shall meet all sorts of women I have never set eyes on before. Sometimes you meet one and you both just click. Sometimes I meet one and they stick to me like glue and I get desperate to talk to anyone else, so I take them with me and introduce them to them and it eases the pressure on both of us. It gets easier with practice. If in doubt nurse a coffee cup and admire the photos or the view while you catch your breath and regroup. I have several friends who seem to love this sort of gathering, they are real networkers but it has never really appealed to me. I can do it, but it's hard work.

Write and try to memorise an entire list of neutral subjects to bring up if and when you get stuck.

There is definitely something to be said for learning the art of conversation. One of the best tips I was given was to apply "active listening" in other words listening without mentally preparing a response (quite difficult to do). That way you invariably find something in what the other person says that you can contribute to or talk about too.

When I was younger, I used to sometimes chatter away when I was nervous. I like to think I have improved with age - plus my husband will say that he has trained me.

Yes, pompa I know somebody like that and even worse, one hears everything at least 4 times. She never stops chattering and I cannot stand it. Luckily I only see her once a month at the charity of which I am a member.

I have never have a problem talking to anyone. I think the trick is to ask people about themselves and really listen to the answers. Most people, given a little encouragement, will chat away quite happily telling you about their children, grandchildren, dog, the weather, their last holiday, the latest scandal etc.. But you need to focus on them and look interested (even if you aren't) and ask relevant questions. Before you know it you are having a proper conversation and if you have, unfortunately, come across a prize bore, then you need to spot someone you really must have a word with as you've been trying to catch them for ages!