Throughout my adult life I have been something of a loner.
I was married for 25 years (first 9 years living together before marrying) and we raised two daughters and then I had a second longterm relationship where we lived apart but shared good times and lovely cosy domesticity, mostly at weekends.
But neither my husband nor my second partner shared my interests. For a lot of the time I was friendly with neighbours and work colleagues but never felt that I made any close friendships. So I have pursued on my own any interests I have had.
I am now on my own. For very good reasons I am estranged from all of my family, including my two adult daughters, one of whom I know has two daughters of her own, my granddaughters.
Please respect me when I say that I do not expect this situation to change and I do not feel bad about it. As I say, this situation exists for very good reasons.
Now retired, I am on a low income, but more relaxed and able to pursue interests of my own, and am perhaps happier, more contented, whatever, than I have ever been before, despite a couple of spells of ill health in the last 4 years.
But growing older, being retired and living alone, I find I spend several days in the week/at the weekend without speaking to anyone, although paradoxically I am, for the first time since I was a teenager (when for two years I was part of a happy group of other teenagers) building a social life - once a week meeting two members of one choir for coffee, once a week, going for a drink after a second choir with four or five other members, and sometimes having additional meetings at events. All enjoyable, all quite relaxed.
So I am on the verge of phoning Silver Line to say "I am lonely" but do not think I am quite at that point yet. I am not housebound. I am feeling fit and healthy. But I struggle to fill days, especially weekends, with meaningful activities that stop me feeling lonely.
Is there anyone out there with similar experiences? I would feel less alone if I knew other people who are experiencing this kind of social isolation.
I can see that you might think I have Aspergers - I don't think so, although I acknowledge I may be on the edge of the spectrum (at its mildest). More significantly, I recognise that, as a child, I grew up in a sad, mildly-dysfunctional family and did not learn many basic social skills.
I have also, as a result of aforesaid mildly dysfunctional family experiences, tended to relate to miserable and mildly-dysfunctional people/partners - how sad. I have moved away from this in recent years, but its still not easy to change .
So, is there anyone one out there who can raise a laugh with me about the awful times, and build on the good times?
