feeling lonely quite often

Alternativegran -

Good idea, to open up podcasts at night. I have a small TV by my bed. When I go to bed I start by checking all the programmes around 11 pm - 1 am or thereabouts and watch anything that might put me to sleep.

If I'm still awake despite this, though, I usually keep, at low volume, either BBC News (Programme 130) or Sky News (Programme 132) on until repeats of gloomy world news get on my nerves.

Or I try Radio 3 (digital TV programme 703 - music through the night).

Alternatives are Radio 2 (digital TV programme 702 - different music through the night).

And of course there is the usually lovely Radio 4 - which broadcasts BBC World Service from 1 am onwards (digital TV programme 704).

At some point I fall asleep and wake up around 5 or 6 am - then I either switch off the background chatter or music - or I change the programme - still at low volume, and drift in and out of consciousness, until I fall fast asleep until at least 9 am (unless I have something significant that I need to be up and alert for - in which case, I am woken by my alarm).

So thanks for the podcast suggestion - I will take my laptop to bed with me more often - great idea.

I agree, thanks Annie. Meet Up looks very promising.

Thank you for the website link grannyactivist it looks interesting.

Living on my own I feel lonely in the evenings, especially from October to March and have found sleeping a problem since my husband died. Something that helps me onmyown is to listen to a wide variety of podcasts at bedtime, its food for thought and there is something about the human voice that is comforting and makes it easier to drop off to sleep.

Thanks annie for the heads up on Meet Up. I have just joined some of their groups and intend to go out for dinner with them for Christmas, a really good website. I have recently moved house and am feeling a bit low at not having anyone to play out with. Now I have, thank you. X

onmyown and tracker99 welcome to GN.

One of my dear friends, at the age of 55, now lives with her mother after having been married and bringing up children. I know she is often lonely, although she's rarely alone and she has a wide circle of friends.
One of the great things about being on here is that I read things that provoke me to consider things I otherwise wouldn't do. Being a bit of Google Geek I occasionally follow up threads that interest me with a quick search and came across this website that may be of interest to others. (Click on the blue highlight)

Thanks so much, Annie, for your long, thoughtful and helpful posting. I will check out Meet Up, Mad Ventures and Thelma Louise. Also the WI - tried it when I lived in deepest rural Wales, it was not for me at the time, although I agree its a great setup - and now I am in town, maybe its a good time to look at it again.

I hope that you are finding space for your own needs and happiness within your marriage and with your daughters.

Hello, also tracker99 - welcome. Keep posting!

This new attempt of mine to deal with loneliness (which is not constant, and yes, I do like my own company, and yes, I have found the choir community which feels genuine and gives me great pleasure, with a modest social life that nonetheless took a couple of years to bed down,) is in fact the first time I have ever really thought about the earlier times in my life when I have felt lonely, its not just now, as I approach the age of 70, I recall being lonely during several phases of my life -

My original posting was the result of thinking for the first time in depth about loneliness, as it is happening to me now (not all of the time) and also in the past. I do feel I now understand why this has happened in the past, and why it is happening now, and that sense of understanding is what I think is called "a growth experience" in therapy-speak!

So finding Gransnet is proving to be a very good step towards moving on, even at this late stage in my life. I have only been registered with Gnet for 10 days or so and already the messaging has helped me to move on in my thinking about myself and others. I feel it will also be a strength in times ahead; having had a couple of spells of ill health in the past, who knows what the future will bring.

But hey, when I started this posting I promised myself it would not be too introspective, too long or too self-centred. It is all of these things! Messages to self: - and "try to do better next time".

to you both and hoping to hear from you again. I love giving flowers, and this is such a good place to arrange a virtual bouquet for you each

Time now for a

no one needs to be alone with gransnet i am new to this posting lark so be patient with me my wife has no interest in the computer but has no objection to me taking an interest in it all .

Only just seen this onmyown but I agree with other posters that your experience is not a rare one. I think many of us feel as you do to varying degrees and I think a lot of people pretend they are having a great time when they aren't.
Or, spending time with other people so that you can convince yourself you DO have friends is ultimately unrewarding - I have a neighbour who we used to see a lot of but that consisted of him parking himself and talking non stop about his drains or his tiling or an article he'd just had published with no ability to listen in turn!!
I can relate to growing up in a mildly dysfunctional family too and the way in which that makes you feel hampered in terms of not having learned social skills. I also sometimes wonder if I have some kind of very mild Aspergers or similar. I can see that some people and their families appear to have the kind of intimacy that evades me. I have one daughter with whom I have a difficult relationship but a reasonable relationship with my two other daughters but not as apparently close as the friend whose daughter phones her twice a day for 40 minute conversations (while she's commuting) and with whom she immediately spends her time if her husband happens to be away.
I think Gransnet is an excellent forum with some really helpful and nice people. I am not always at my computer but I've found it great to dip into.
I think it's harder to make friends as you grow older because many people already have a social circle and don't want to enlarge it and people are less ready to be friendly. I think it's useful to learn to value the time on your own to develop an interest or hobby and that can be a way into friendships with others with whom you will actually share something (which it sounds like you already do). Regarding spending time not speaking to others, this is a little tongue in cheek, but you know some people who meditate actually go on silent retreats where the aim is not to speak at all and to discover what goes on inside your head! If it appeals, it can be a great route to inner contentment.
I joined the WI this year. Something I'd always meant to do and although a lot of the women do stuff that doesn't appeal to me, it is a genuinely warm environment where there is no problem in walking up and speaking to anyone and the talks are interesting.
I am still in a long term marriage that is not without its problems. I can see that it does provide company though at times where I see older women struggling. Have you come across Meet Up? You can Google to get the website address. It's an organisation that provides space for people to create groups that others can join. These things are always randomly geographic but I joined a good art group through this. I also cycle at weekends and my local CTC group (Cyclists Touring Club) runs a variety of rides at which I see many women on their own. There is also a separate women's cycling group.
I have a number of women friends on their own and I've heard them say how you have to work quite hard to maintain a social life but ultimately it is rewarding. One friend is on her 5th year of holidays abroad over Christmas with other singletons. Another is saving up for her second bit of travelling with Mad Ventures. Have you seen the website Thelma and Louise for women who want to link up and travel with others - budgets to be agreed, not all want 5 star travel. I do some work for Age UK. They provide all sorts of local groups and activities at which you can meet others. Look at their website to see more.
Just a few ideas, you really aren't alone you know even if it sometimes feels like it!

I can vouch for the M & S lobster Galen. Haven't tried the Waitrose one but I won't bother doing so now.

I love sea food but not hot. Heaven for me is chunks of lobster dipped in aioli. Yum.

Thanks, bikergran, I hope to invite Gnetters to join me in my Christmas feast' ,on this site, or maybe in Soops Kitchen especially for ? Galen, you could bring a dressed lobster - if you have other plans, why not send it by special courier delivery as our Christmas treat (not sure if it goes with curry though!).

Westieyaya - thankyou also. I hope your plans to move come to fruition, I have visited a retirement complex and it seemed a very good place, with lots of options for social activities, plus a restaurant on site.

Having been widowed some two years, I have found the loneliness hits during the evenings. I am hoping to alleviate this by moving from a too large house to a flat in a retirement complex. At least there will be friendly sounds around me and occasional social evening get togethers

The M&S dressed lobster is very good indeed! Waitrose is ok, but not quite as good in my opinion!

onmyown wow! you make it sound very inviting "curries, wine,port,sherry,mince pies" you will find that quite a few Gnetters enjoy participate a lot few glasses of "welcome" good to have you on board

Wow, Galen, a dressed lobster sounds fantastic - maybe I'll try a seafood extravaganza for New Year? Yummy, a great real treat.

However, I have wanted to try this (highly recommended) curry house for a while, but not done it, going for a curry for one hasn't really appealed to me. But collecting a whole array of stuff on Christmas Eve for Christmas Day, that might be good. So I'm planning an over-the-top take-away, with all the trimmings.

(If its awful, well, that's Christmas - remind me to do something different next year!)

So yes, Tegan, thanks for prompting me to think about a visit to the leisure centre with sauna. I love the sauna experience including being naked, there is always a towel to wrap around if needed. But I don't like to be boiling hot for too long and love a freezing cold shower or plunge - but not too often!

Anyone else up for this?

Fancy that idea of a take out curry!
Think I'll do that.
It's a toss up between that and a dressed lobster.

Tegan - positive thoughts about going for a sauna! - thanks, yes.

I have done this in the past but I struggle to find the balance between being outgoing and being "well-behaved". Does that make sense?

Agus - thanks so much. Its very good to hear there is a Christmas Day thread.

I feel that I am "getting to know" lots of other people on Gransnet (I only registered a week ago!) and I would love to meet up in real life, but not yet - - - - I often feel uncomfortable socially, after the first ten minutes or so, which I can do very well, and then I run out of things to say - I recognise its a failure on my part to be myself while relating to others.

Its getting better all the time, but having only started at around 50 years old, I'm a bit of a latecomer to sociability - - - - but its never too late, I have learned that already.

Thanks again.

Soutra - yes, I agree the media run-up to Christmas is often very over- the-top Dickensian.

But anyone at home alone on Christmas Day, try pressing the buttons on your radio for different radio stations.

Unexpectedly Radio 2 - a few years ago certainly - avoided the big hype and made me feel very comfortable - a relaxed atmosphere - 'well, we don't have to be at home with grumpy relatives, over-excited children, and harassed cook-in-chief (usually mum), do we?' That kind of thing. Then they played records that kind of fitted in with this.

Meanwhile, all of you out there who have good family Christmases, well, I envy you. But I can still enjoy my own space, sense of peace, and low-key enjoyment - its really good when it works.

Welcome onmyown I think you will be surprised at how involved you will become with Gransnet. Lots of conversations to join in and wonderful support and advice for those of us who need it now and again. Also regular meet ups are arranged in different areas should you wish to meet up in real life.

There is always a thread going on Christmas Day for those of us alone through choice or not. Or, even those who want to escape from family!

Look forward to your posts.

Good plan onmyown there can be a big difference between being" alone" and being "lonely" and one deciding factor can be one's own mindset. If only the media wouldn't portray a "normal" Christmas as a Dickensian feast with happy families being re-enacted where there are no arguments/hangovers/feuds/burnt offerings and the dog is not being sick on the carpet having chewed up the chocolate tree decorations. You will get my drift! For most people Christmas is at best an opportunity to be with those we love but too often at a price while for many others it can evoke sad memories, stir up family tensions and is often something to be "survived" rather than enjoyed.

Sounds good to me onmyown! I've just spend quite a long time today chatting to people in the sauna at my local leisure centre. It's ladies morning but after 12.30 men are allowed in. I started off with the ladies but then got chatting to the men as they trickled in. Theres an area to sit and chat outside the sauna and steam room, people came and went and it was good fun. Talk was mainly about holidays and cars and there was lots of laughter. Being a sauna there's almost a holiday atmosphere about the place. Really enjoyed it .

Christmas alone - it would be good to hear positive experiences of this.

My first Christmas alone, over 20 years ago after years of miserable Christmases was wonderful - so peaceful, how great, no aggro, with a special luxury Christmas Eve meal totally of my own choice and a bottle of wine (a rare luxury then - although I do it more often now, and enjoy it). Then the actual day, listening to Radio 2 DJ's who seemed to completely understand my mindset - we know that Christmas can be a drag, so its great to be away from all of that - and lets be cheerful - - and feel good.

Since then, I've spent some Xmases with a difficult friend (so not good) and others on my own -

one was a Solo big hotel Christmas break (nice and homely, despite the big hotel location, carols, board and parlour games, an evening disco, a good coach trip out on Boxing day, meals with all the trimmings - the downside was that I felt the hotel staff really didn't want to be with us, but at home - understandable).

another was in a Youth Hostel - we were an odd mixed bunch, some Japanese tourists who didn't know about Christmas, and others who, even more than me had only experienced sad Christmases - so the atmosphere was warm and supportive and even a bit jolly at times, and the staff were great -

so this year, turning down an offer to share Christmas with a friend, my plan is to stock up on Christmas Eve with lots of curry from a nearby curry house that I've wanted to sample for the last 6 months - roast dinner for one is great occasionally but - well, I really want to pig out on dishes from the curry house - my special treat. With a bottle of wine, a small bottle of port and/or sherry for added indulgence, cheerful TV, cheerful radio, and my own DVD of The Sound of Music, some mince pies and cream and maybe cake, goodies, fruit and nuts - what's not to like?

This is good thinking, soontobe. It could be a positive way of moving on from being alone too much, if needed.

I tried having a lodger a few years ago. It did help me to break patterns of isolation at the time, but did not work out long-term.

I might consider it again in the future but not at the moment. I am enjoying a period of personal re-evaluation, which has led me to joining Gransnet - a good move, I feel I am getting to know a whole lot of positive people from a safe distance, while exploring (yet again!) new options to enrich my life (after a couple of periods of ill health).

I have often thought,that if my husband dies before me, I will either get a lodger, or become one somewhere.

Although there are times when I enjoy my own company, and alone time, I wouldnt want it all the time.