feeling lonely quite often

Thanks, bikergran, I hope to invite Gnetters to join me in my Christmas feast' ,on this site, or maybe in Soops Kitchen especially for ? Galen, you could bring a dressed lobster - if you have other plans, why not send it by special courier delivery as our Christmas treat (not sure if it goes with curry though!).

Westieyaya - thankyou also. I hope your plans to move come to fruition, I have visited a retirement complex and it seemed a very good place, with lots of options for social activities, plus a restaurant on site.

I can vouch for the M & S lobster Galen. Haven't tried the Waitrose one but I won't bother doing so now.

I love sea food but not hot. Heaven for me is chunks of lobster dipped in aioli. Yum.

Only just seen this onmyown but I agree with other posters that your experience is not a rare one. I think many of us feel as you do to varying degrees and I think a lot of people pretend they are having a great time when they aren't.
Or, spending time with other people so that you can convince yourself you DO have friends is ultimately unrewarding - I have a neighbour who we used to see a lot of but that consisted of him parking himself and talking non stop about his drains or his tiling or an article he'd just had published with no ability to listen in turn!!
I can relate to growing up in a mildly dysfunctional family too and the way in which that makes you feel hampered in terms of not having learned social skills. I also sometimes wonder if I have some kind of very mild Aspergers or similar. I can see that some people and their families appear to have the kind of intimacy that evades me. I have one daughter with whom I have a difficult relationship but a reasonable relationship with my two other daughters but not as apparently close as the friend whose daughter phones her twice a day for 40 minute conversations (while she's commuting) and with whom she immediately spends her time if her husband happens to be away.
I think Gransnet is an excellent forum with some really helpful and nice people. I am not always at my computer but I've found it great to dip into.
I think it's harder to make friends as you grow older because many people already have a social circle and don't want to enlarge it and people are less ready to be friendly. I think it's useful to learn to value the time on your own to develop an interest or hobby and that can be a way into friendships with others with whom you will actually share something (which it sounds like you already do). Regarding spending time not speaking to others, this is a little tongue in cheek, but you know some people who meditate actually go on silent retreats where the aim is not to speak at all and to discover what goes on inside your head! If it appeals, it can be a great route to inner contentment.
I joined the WI this year. Something I'd always meant to do and although a lot of the women do stuff that doesn't appeal to me, it is a genuinely warm environment where there is no problem in walking up and speaking to anyone and the talks are interesting.
I am still in a long term marriage that is not without its problems. I can see that it does provide company though at times where I see older women struggling. Have you come across Meet Up? You can Google to get the website address. It's an organisation that provides space for people to create groups that others can join. These things are always randomly geographic but I joined a good art group through this. I also cycle at weekends and my local CTC group (Cyclists Touring Club) runs a variety of rides at which I see many women on their own. There is also a separate women's cycling group.
I have a number of women friends on their own and I've heard them say how you have to work quite hard to maintain a social life but ultimately it is rewarding. One friend is on her 5th year of holidays abroad over Christmas with other singletons. Another is saving up for her second bit of travelling with Mad Ventures. Have you seen the website Thelma and Louise for women who want to link up and travel with others - budgets to be agreed, not all want 5 star travel. I do some work for Age UK. They provide all sorts of local groups and activities at which you can meet others. Look at their website to see more.
Just a few ideas, you really aren't alone you know even if it sometimes feels like it!

no one needs to be alone with gransnet i am new to this posting lark so be patient with me my wife has no interest in the computer but has no objection to me taking an interest in it all .

Thanks so much, Annie, for your long, thoughtful and helpful posting. I will check out Meet Up, Mad Ventures and Thelma Louise. Also the WI - tried it when I lived in deepest rural Wales, it was not for me at the time, although I agree its a great setup - and now I am in town, maybe its a good time to look at it again.

I hope that you are finding space for your own needs and happiness within your marriage and with your daughters.

Hello, also tracker99 - welcome. Keep posting!

This new attempt of mine to deal with loneliness (which is not constant, and yes, I do like my own company, and yes, I have found the choir community which feels genuine and gives me great pleasure, with a modest social life that nonetheless took a couple of years to bed down,) is in fact the first time I have ever really thought about the earlier times in my life when I have felt lonely, its not just now, as I approach the age of 70, I recall being lonely during several phases of my life -

My original posting was the result of thinking for the first time in depth about loneliness, as it is happening to me now (not all of the time) and also in the past. I do feel I now understand why this has happened in the past, and why it is happening now, and that sense of understanding is what I think is called "a growth experience" in therapy-speak!

So finding Gransnet is proving to be a very good step towards moving on, even at this late stage in my life. I have only been registered with Gnet for 10 days or so and already the messaging has helped me to move on in my thinking about myself and others. I feel it will also be a strength in times ahead; having had a couple of spells of ill health in the past, who knows what the future will bring.

But hey, when I started this posting I promised myself it would not be too introspective, too long or too self-centred. It is all of these things! Messages to self: - and "try to do better next time".

to you both and hoping to hear from you again. I love giving flowers, and this is such a good place to arrange a virtual bouquet for you each

Time now for a

onmyown and tracker99 welcome to GN.

One of my dear friends, at the age of 55, now lives with her mother after having been married and bringing up children. I know she is often lonely, although she's rarely alone and she has a wide circle of friends.
One of the great things about being on here is that I read things that provoke me to consider things I otherwise wouldn't do. Being a bit of Google Geek I occasionally follow up threads that interest me with a quick search and came across this website that may be of interest to others. (Click on the blue highlight)

Thanks annie for the heads up on Meet Up. I have just joined some of their groups and intend to go out for dinner with them for Christmas, a really good website. I have recently moved house and am feeling a bit low at not having anyone to play out with. Now I have, thank you. X

Thank you for the website link grannyactivist it looks interesting.

Living on my own I feel lonely in the evenings, especially from October to March and have found sleeping a problem since my husband died. Something that helps me onmyown is to listen to a wide variety of podcasts at bedtime, its food for thought and there is something about the human voice that is comforting and makes it easier to drop off to sleep.

I agree, thanks Annie. Meet Up looks very promising.

Alternativegran -

Good idea, to open up podcasts at night. I have a small TV by my bed. When I go to bed I start by checking all the programmes around 11 pm - 1 am or thereabouts and watch anything that might put me to sleep.

If I'm still awake despite this, though, I usually keep, at low volume, either BBC News (Programme 130) or Sky News (Programme 132) on until repeats of gloomy world news get on my nerves.

Or I try Radio 3 (digital TV programme 703 - music through the night).

Alternatives are Radio 2 (digital TV programme 702 - different music through the night).

And of course there is the usually lovely Radio 4 - which broadcasts BBC World Service from 1 am onwards (digital TV programme 704).

At some point I fall asleep and wake up around 5 or 6 am - then I either switch off the background chatter or music - or I change the programme - still at low volume, and drift in and out of consciousness, until I fall fast asleep until at least 9 am (unless I have something significant that I need to be up and alert for - in which case, I am woken by my alarm).

So thanks for the podcast suggestion - I will take my laptop to bed with me more often - great idea.

A couple of years ago, I found Gransnet a life saver. I was so unhappy whilst my 40 year marriage disintegrated. It was great to find somewhere to put how I was feeling into words and I found lots of virtual friends to 'listen' to my woes. I'm have now been on my own for 9 months (with my 2 cats who are also indispensable sounding boards!!!) and am so much happier. No more living in dread of what the day will bring. I can please myself where I go, what I do, what and if I eat. I do go to the W.I. An aquafit class and a sewing class, as well as being responsible for 2 of my grandchildren once a week. I didn't see my ex for 5 months but with the encouragement of GN went to my granddaughters birthday where I knew he would be. I was really glad I did as it broke the ice and I have bumped into him several times and whilst being sociable with him, do not wish I was still with him. Yes, it can be tough on your own but I felt on my own whilst still with him. There's a lot to be said for freedom.

Nansy Good to hear you've found happiness in your freedom.

Thanks, Nansy, your posting puts my situation in perspective.

I also have lots of happy moments and I totally agree when you say "I can please myself where I go, what I do, what and if I eat."

And I have been a cheerful bunny for most of my life. But my original posting was part of admitting consciously to myself for the first time that there have been times in my life when I have been lonely and never known what to do, except wait until I get back to work, visit my family, and so on. Now I don't have those options, and like you, I am also, generally, much happier.

But what to do with the empty weekends or the two days in the middle of the week when I have nothing planned. Finding Gransnet and that original posting have been part of dealing with those lonely days - and yes, its getting better every day - partly because yes, Gransnet is becoming an interesting and understanding bunch of people I can talk to and listen to. (At last) So thanks to all of you out there .

That is so good to hear, Nansy! I do remember your first posts -good for you.

And yes -welcome onmyown and Tracker99.

The past 15 years has been such a period of change for me. First of all, redundancy, only 18 months before my retirement age; re-training to teach ESOL; retirement from local politics; downsizing; birth of my four younger GC; crumbling joints needing replacement; other health issues; great holidays too. And I have been single since 1986. But my two sons are 100% supportive as are their partners and my senior GD. Unfortunately, I don't live close to them. I have re-discovered the NWR, have joined and organised their book group and joined the U3A, co-ordinating the writing group. I probably still spend too much time sitting on my backside and what do I do then? This! Gransnet has given me companionship and also some really good friends. I enjoy a bit of controversy and certainly get it here! Or I can just turn my back on it if I want to. Long live Gransnet!

Send me to Pedants' Corner for that first sentence. And apologies to CAB for not mentioning the very satisfying 11 years I spent as a volunteer adviser.

Onmyown - I have an ipod, I use it during the day sometimes whilst doing housework, gardening etc but it comes into its own at night when I listen to podcasts as I don't have to get up and turn it off, there are also speakers on the market that go under the pillow.

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who's Ipod has become an essential part of going to bed! I find podcasts a brilliant way of whiling away the small hours and I often drift off before the end. Radio 4 has huge numbers of fascinating ones and ITunes has others plus books you can download. One friend is able to download books from her library for free. I am very hazy on the detail of this but it's worth investigating if that appeals. Happy snoozing all!

Anniezzz09 - My library does ebooks but not audio, I have taken out a subscription for those, they can be downloaded onto an ipod but even podcasts take up a lot of room if you forget to delete them regularly. My friend listens to audio books on her phone I listen on an ipad by my bedside and hope that Apple will eventually bring out an ipod with more capacity.

onmyown. Another passive activity that wiles away time - if you have an iPad - is playing 'words with friends'. It's very similar to scrabble and a free app. I play with a couple of friends and it can be picked up and left whenever. There is a 'chat' facility too and also you don't just have to play with people you know. Keeps your brain oiled too!!!

alternativegran thanks for that. I agree about lack of space on an Ipod. I've used my little 8gb one for about 5 years now on the edge of full. Earlier this year I bought a 16gb one and found myself deep in the stew of transferring music, trying to run two Ipods on one machine and other trials of modern devices! I've got an Ipod Nano (both) and I use the newer one for the radio mostly, the reception is excellent.

rubylady glad you have found Meet Up useful, it really does offer opportunities. Thanks grannyactivist for that Web of Loneliness link. I'm not sure I've got time for another forum but there is a lot of interesting information about loneliness there. I was especially interested in the page setting out different types of loneliness, I'd never thought about it that way.

I feel that my life is changing quite a lot at the moment with my youngest child finishing university and starting work away from home and my husband having a last go at earning (running a consultancy) while I tip towards wishing I could retire and live by the sea! I'm one of those who's always had a small circle of friends rather than dozens and as they move away or take up new careers or 'return' to work, I often feel lonely now even though I've got lots to do. It's the sharing of life that's important I think.

Sorry to bring back an old thread but goodness, I have felt lonely today.

It's like an ache inside and I even asked my son to come and keep me company but he was too busy chatting to his girlfriend online to do so. He did shout downstairs to get myself a friend. Charming.

I have my cleaner coming tomorrow, but it's not like a friend, is it? I know, I should be going out and meeting more people. But when I have had friends, and lots of them, in the past and now I have none as they have all deserted me due to my depression, how do I trust someone again? How do I get over the feeling that whatever time I am going to spend with them will not eventually be wasted? I was trusting my brother again and he has let me down again recently so another smack in the face.

I am waiting for a referral to a counsellor from my doctor so that I can get all this out and sometimes I feel fine and then other times I feel awful. I take myself to bed then and hide. I just want someone I can trust. Someone who doesn't depend on me, who I can lean on a bit and feel can take the pressure off my problems. I never had that when I was married. I did have it with the relationship after my divorce and I really miss it. Not the relationship as such, but the feeling of being able to hand over worries and know that someone else cared too. Even through a breast lump scare. He was a genuinely nice man.

My ex next door neighbour was apparently a friend. So she thought. She was having an affair with a married man, had been for over 20 years. I didn't consider her much of a friend if she could do that to another woman.

I'm taking myself off to bed, night.

I do so sympathise rubylady.

My Dh passed away nearly 3 years ago and my life began to fall to pieces. I'm picking myself up now but it's been a steep learning curve. That feeling of not being able to hand worries over to someone else is one of the things I miss most.

My grown up sons were so used to life being one where they had a mum and dad together was changed overnight to one where they only had mum. A different, scary sort of mum who was crying and lonely.

The situation now is I still help them at lot but they will only help me in an emergency - at least I think that's the new scenario. I know they are frightened of the new life they are faced with and feel uncertain how to communicate with me.

I hope the counseller will help rubylady. I've been to a few and it's great just to be able to talk. Did your GP recommend any tablets to help lift your mood.?

I have joined lots of groups and that does help because I meet other women who are alone and are coping. I find them inspiring. I love your name. I had an auntie called Ruby and she was a wonderful role model for me but she did change after my uncle died and she was on her own.

Let us know how you get on - thinking of you

I have been a worrier and anxious all my life. I have stated to take antidepressants (not for depression but for a totally unrelated matter) and have found it has made a considerable improvement to my mood. Perhaps a visit to the GP would help you.

Thank you Falconbird and Crafting. It has been another hard day today even though I had my cleaner to chat to for a while. I tried to upload my photos but got stuck on a page I couldn't clear and had a mini break down. I sat and cried. I worry about this because I do feel that once I start I won't stop. My son came downstairs and got the page back on and so I was determined to do it myself as he has said before that I have to learn but he won't teach me so I got a book off Amazon and a card reader and went ahead and managed to upload some photos. I have put a few on here of me and my doggie, take a look if you want.

I also uploaded one to a dating site and to a friends site, just to get used again to talking to adults and not teens. I know we chat on here but here we can be truly open and it's different when starting off new friendships. I want here to be where I can say what I truly feel but I don't want others knowing all my business so I want to learn a bit more about having a friendship but keeping a bit of myself private too if that makes sense. I've always been too open a person I think and so get hurt very easily.

I am going to phone the docs again tomorrow and ask about my referral because nothing has come through yet and it's been a few weeks now. I will ask to see him again too. I have been on anti-depressants for a good while now so maybe a change of tablet might help.

I wish you all well and keep your chins up.