Re: sisterly affection....don't make me laugh

vampire well done for keeping your dignity, and your DM had a lovely birthday.
But I think maybe your DM will know as Mums do what your Ds is like and that there is friction between you, keep strong she will be gone soon enough. {{{hug}}}

I know I've never been good enough for my mum. Always a terrible disappointment no matter what I did or how well I achieved but for some strange reason I still love her. I think the child in me still wants her to be a mum and can't accept it really isn't going to happen.

But then when I was teaching I worked with children who had appallingly uncaring mothers but the children loved their mums with a passion so I guess I'm just like one of them.

I can't add much more except to say well done for dealing with such a difficult situation in a dignified manner, and not spoiling your DM's birthday.
It sounds as if it's a good thing that your sister lives on the other side of the world. However, quite often a parent will think the absent child is wonderful and the one who lives nearby and does everything is taken for granted.

I don't have a sister and always longed for one, but hearing some stories about how spiteful they can be makes me thankful I don't have one!

I was wondering that, too. Your DH & children are banned from her house? I guess, tho, you want to keep your mother / daughter relationship, without stirring up any more problems, which is fair enough. It's all quite a strain on you, tho, so do talk to us about things if you want.

Extremely mean of your sister, to put it mildly, to try to humiliate you and show how skint you are.

Just wondering though, VP, why you are so mindful of your mother's feelings. I know she's your mum and 80 and all that, but from what you say she is just as beastly to you and your DH and children.

vampire More , what a horrible day and well done for keeping your dignity.
I can understand your deep upset, please keep coming on here and letting out your feelings to us.
Hopefully, it will help you.

Thank you everyone. I feel fragile and your support has helped me so much.

I've just had a text from one of my daughters to say that after I'd gone my sister gave the £20 back to my uncle. I want to swear but won't offend anyone here so feel free to add your own expletive.

She put me through all of that for nothing. DH says at least it will have shown my aunt and uncle that she's not as perfect as they think but I'm sure she will have said something that will have wheedled her way out of looking bad and will have shown me in a bad light instead.

I think that you dealt with the day admirably.

What a terrible day you had Vampire. Just remember, you have retained your dignity throughout, unlike your sister. Most mothers 'know' you know and I would be very surprised if your own Mum hasn't realised there is something going on. At least now you can hopefully put this behind you and concentrate on the really important things in your life.

I'm another with a difficult sister, who happens to be the eldest of we five siblings. And don't we know it! She has always been very bossy and dominant in any situation, so much so that the youngest, a brother, has cut all contact with her. She moved last year and now lives near my other, more vulnerable sister and is making life very difficult for her.

I am just glad I am 300 miles away from her!

All my sympathies are with you VQ. Hang on in there - she is going back to Oz in less than two weeks!

Well done for keeping it from your Mum, and so not spoiling her day. That was very good and brave of you. (Good Daughter Award there I would say)

I think the sister relationship can be a difficult one. Haven't got one myself, but, sadly, I see a bit of it in my two DDs' relationship. All us mums can do is keep the family love flowing, and hope and pray for the best for the future.

I have one who has been just the same, I really feel for you. I also have an uncle who did something similar to my mother after her marriage with my father broke up. Who knows what is going on in their heads. My toxic sister has just moved to the other end of the UK and my relief is huge.

I'm glad you went along, who knows what excuse she might have trotted out for your absence. I'm thinking it was just a pity you hadn't left before she had a chance to ask for a further contribution. When people do have money, they seem to lose any memory of what it was like to be broke. How £10 still in the bank account at the end of the month is a cause for celebration.

As for keeping it from your Mum - well, you know her best. My own has only just clicked all by herself how awful my sister can be, and it's a huge weight off my mind. She's 80 next year and it hasn't killed her off!

My sister arrived in the UK on 7th November. I saw her the day after she arrived but she was very ill with a migraine and we didn't have chance to talk. Since then she's been busy catching up with everyone. She emailed me a few times in the initial planning stages then stopped answering my replies.

It was deliberate. Although she has never met my husband she hates him (because my mum does). He's never done anything to warrant this hatred. Mum was unhappy because he had young children but as you all know our children bring me so much joy. When I got married he brought me two little gifts. My mum discussed her dislike of him with my sister who advised her to ban him from her house which she did (I kid you not).

The party started and I've not seen my mum so happy since we lost my dad. I told her there'd been a mix up with the numbers and that we didn't mind eating in the main restaurant. She accepted that so everything was OK. We had to leave earlier because we had to take the children back to their mum's. I explained to mum and she understood. We'd been there for the meal and the cake etc. The party was winding down anyway.

As I was getting ready to leave my sister suddenly announced to me that she expected me to pay for DH and the children as she hadn't expected them to be there. There had been a lot of discussion about paying in the early emails as I am on benefits and, unlike many people think, it’s not a fortune. We live month to month. We had come to an arrangement which although I wasn’t happy with was forced upon me. I had paid everything I thought I was expected to pay including buying the cake which I hadn’t scrimped on. C had taken enough money to buy me and him one soft drink to last however long and a couple for the children so I didn’t have any money on me at all. I tried to borrow from my daughters but, although they work, they have very little money and they couldn’t help. So then I asked my aunt but she hadn’t got enough with her. Finally I asked my uncle who lent me it without a thought even saying I didn’t have to pay him back….although I will. As this was going on hidden from my mum cos I was in dread of spoiling her day.

Each request was excruciating for me. I have never asked family for money and never let them see how difficult life can be. I’m not even particularly close to my uncle.

As many of you know I’m not well. I have mh issues including depression and anxiety. By the time I’d finally got the money I was fighting to control my tears. I gave her the £20 without a word and left. One of my cousins who I haven’t seen for years saw I was upset and followed me out. I said it was because I was having to leave early…stupid excuse but the only one I could think of lol. As we were driving away another cousin stopped the car to check on me and swap phone numbers. I admitted I wasn’t very well but again blamed leaving early. Remember we also had the children in the car so the lie was for their benefit too.

I’m afraid it pushed me over the edge somewhat. Fortunately DH was with me and wouldn’t leave me on my own so I couldn’t act on my feelings. Had a sleep now and although I’m still not well I’m not as bad as I was yesterday.

I can relax a little from Weds to Sat as my sister is flying out to Rome for four days so I won’t have to see her. She goes back to Aus the following week so I doubt I’ll see her again. If I do I’ll act as if nothing has happened because my mum will be there and I really don’t want her to even get an inclining that something is wrong.

vampirequeen - that is so BAD. I would be as upset as you are. How awful.

If your sister hasn't travelled over for the celebrations & meal she will have no idea who arrived and who didn't so yes smile and claim no knowledge I find it very strange that a restaurant cannot find seats for maybe 4/5 extra guests at the main table,why can't the youngsters have a table in the main restaurant surely they would have more in common with each other than with all the grown-ups,I do hope your mum enjoys her day and send you lots of ((hugs)) & &

Thank goodness she lives in Australia!

I agree with your title vampirequeen I have three sisters. Two who have treated the third appallingly and when I intervened took umbrage and are now having no contact with either of us. I agree with everyone here though it mustn't spoil your families day. particularly your mum. I like the idea of you turning up early though and sitting innocently and smiling sweetly as the family arrive. The really upsetting thing is no matter what, it has spoiled the day for you. Sibling rivalry comes to mind were your sister is concerned. If you feel up to it let us know how it goes. ( not that I'm nosey you understand I just like to have an ending) and not too much otherwise you might just let rip.

Agree with Lona and others.
Still go.

Vampirequeen I'm really sorry to hear how upset you are. Whatever the cause, I do hope you are able to celebrate your Mum's 80th in good spirit. & big (hug)

I agree too but if this was a deliberate act by your sister, I am appalled. However, the important thing is that your mother has a lovely day. She would be really upset if she thought two of her children were on bad terms. If you feel like it tomorrow, let us know ho you get on.

Was there no communication between you all? How come you didn't find this out till the last minute?

Yes, I agree with the get there early ideas, & bag seats.

I agree with Lona. Your sister won't have named everyone, she'll just have given the number to the restaurant.

You and your family have every right to be there, vampirequeen!

vampire Get there early and don't assume it was deliberate (unless she's done it before).
Smile sweetly and sit down where you want to be.

Oh vampire - are you sure that it is a deliberate act? Can you be certain that it is you and your children who have been missed out and not just a mistake in the numbers? It is unimaginable that someone would do this as an act of unkindness. Here is another shoulder to cry on if you really do feel that this was deliberate.

I would only say that, when people behave in this mindlessly cruel way, it is best not to take it personally - anyone who could perpetrate such an act obviously has a bit if a problem - but it is their problem and not yours. Rise above it; concentrate on giving Mum a good day. Take a deep breath and remember that you are not the one at fault.