Re: sisterly affection....don't make me laugh

You will not be hurting her if you go - but you will deprive yourself and your supportive DH from the fun of Christmas activities with the GC - a chance that will not come again.

Offer to take Mum with you both in the caravan! - I am sure she will not want that; and then the decision to be left alone will have been hers.

It's not about being a "wuss" but about pandering to and encouraging your Mum's manipulative behaviour, which is good for neither you, your DH, your DD, your DGD or indeed for her.

Let her "seriously miss" your sister - you will seriously miss out if you do not take this opportunity that is being offered.

At what point will it be the right one to break out of this pathological cycle? - maybe it might be a turning point for an improvement in your own health - could this be the trigger that you need to move forward from patterns of a lifetime that have brought you no joy and injured your well-being? There has to be a time that this happens or you will be like this till Mum dies. Only you can choose the moment - this seems like as good a one as any, when you have spent the last couple of weeks being side-lined and insulted with the collusion of your Mum.

Can you enlist your DD to say to Mum that she desperately wants you to be there and that she is SURE that there will be no objection?

I presume you get some comfort from being with her too?

I know I'm a wuss but no matter how badly she hurts me I can't bring myself to hurt her. She won't have missed me whilst my sister was here but she will seriously miss my sister. I just can't leave her alone on the first weekend.

Some mothers are experts in the field of playing one sibling off against another,*vq*. She will be fine so put yourself first and don't rise to any grumbles about you being away.

If you miss out on having fun with your DGCs you won't get the time back.

Be strong.

I was sort of asking how her mum behaves when her mum gets hurt. Does she shout etc?
And I was wondering how vq feels when this happens.
I was wondering how her mum manipulates her I suppose.

Just thinking about this vq. Your mum is upset that your dear sister is doing her own thing and flying off back to Australia. Quite a comparison to you not being there for two days really

She will survive and maybe even appreciate the fact that you are still there for her.

Go and enjoy making happy memories with your DGC and DH.

soontobe VQ has felt hurt for the whole of her sister's visit. Her Mum has not noticed, has not even asked VQ's husband in to where the family had their lunch, instead left him waiting for her outside. She seems good at voicing HER hurts loudly while ignoring VQ's

VQ has been ill. She has learnt that she needs to put herself and her immediate family first, or she will relapse back into lack of confidence and depression. SHE has a need for consideration too, and going away for a couple of days this weekend is exactly what she should be doing.

Her mother will be OK for a few days on her own. She is not frail.

Go for it, VQ Have a nice time in your caravan, with the children. Phone your mum, and be sure to tell her how much you are enjoying your little spell away, but don't feel you must be there in person. She has her memories of your sister's visit to go over to stop her feeling deserted. Tell her that if she complains - and add that you don't have such rosy memories of it, if you can be brave enough. Surely she knows how you were treated? If she does, she might understand your need for a quiet healing weekend.

You know what I am going to say!..........go and enjoy the DGCs' happy Christmas events.

Was your Mum bothered about you during your sister's stay in UK? - or did she get on and do what suited her?

Think of the joy of seeing the DGC - these opportunities come so seldom and are to be treasured. Your Mum had her chance when she was younger - and now it is your turn.

I am sure you will more than make up for it when you get back - guilt, guilt! - but go enjoy!! You will be adding to the sum of human happiness and it is your absolute duty to do that!

What happens if your mum gets or feels hurt?

Good to hear you stuck to your guns and left when you wanted to.

Re meeting up with your mum on Saturday, if it suits you, yes. If not, she survived without you for 20 days, she will survive one day if it does'nt suit you and you decide to spend it with your lovely DH. He is the one who deserves you.

Oh mishap I wish I was that strong. I'm already struggling . The children have several Christmas and out of school events this weekend. Ideally we'd take the caravan and stay up there as it will be cheaper than using diesel driving there and back several times. Unfortunately I know my mam will be upset because my sister has left and I don't think I have it in me to leave her alone all weekend.

I know I'm a soft wuss

Very well done, like most people on here, I have been wondering how the dreaded lunch went. Sounds like it went ok considering, and also it has shown yet again what a wonderful support your DH is. Have a lovely day.

Indeed - things need to start being based on your rules - you need to be the one calling the shots - why should you not be?

Good for you and you made a very positive step by leaving when you said you would. Try and keep that resolve up in all your meetings with your mum. She may even get used to it!!

Glad you made it through ok. Well done!

Thank you for all being there with me.

Lunch was challenging but it's not left me as ill as I was worried it would.

As instructed I arranged for my daughter to pick me up and for DH to collect me. I figured that as lunch was at 1pm and DD had to collect DGD from school at 3.15pm that it would be over by 3pm so that's the time I arranged for DH to be waiting in the car park for me.

Unbeknownst to me he'd come into the area just after me. There is a small shopping area and he'd spent time wandering around it. He wanted to be close by in case I needed him.

Anyway the lunch started and I occupied myself with DGS. A baby is very easy to hide behind lol. I joined in the general conversation enough to be polite. Mostly I just listened. At 3pm DD said she had to go for DGD and I said DH was waiting for me in the car park. Sister said she would go with DD to collect DGD and bring her back to the restaurant and off she went. I repeated that DH was waiting for me. Mum wasn't happy about this. She said that this lunch had been arranged for me to say goodbye to my sister. I know this wasn't true because I'd asked DD when she'd collected me how long the lunch had been planned. DD tried to prevaricate and said that she thought it had been arranged for a couple of days. I know when DD says, "I think," at the end of a sentence she means 'I don't want to lie to you but really want to tell you the whole truth'. She's done it ever since she was a child. As I was only informed yesterday it was obvious that I was an afterthought. I told my that I'd said DH was waiting but the sister hadn't listened to me. Mum said that she hadn't heard because she was talking to someone else.

All mum had to do at this point was to say that DH should come in for a while but she wouldn't do that because she hates him so I left and have made myself feel better and sick by eating large amounts of ice cream all evening

Oh and mum's parting words to me. "Are we meeting up on Saturday?" She hasn't bothered with me for 20 days but it would seem she wants me back now that sister is going home. What a surprise!

Thank you all so much for your support

xxxxx

Is The Lunch today? Now?

I've not had anything to add to the advise already so well expressed so I'm thinking and sending positive thoughts out into the Yorkshire ether. (My mum told me more than once I was a witch - so I'm trying out my powers!)

Just imagine this vast army of supporters behind you. Get through this lunch by spending time with your daughters then wish your sister good luck as she flies back to her miserable life and controlling husband. Then go back home and congratulate yourself on being better than them and be thankful for your fantastic DH who has been so patient and kind and has risen above all the insults that have been aimed at him. Now ask yourself who has the better life, you or your sister?

Plaster a big smile on your face, if anyone starts then a word of advice from a friend and also from my DD was to just look at them and say 'Really?' 'Oh, really?' 'Oh' and let it wash over your head then turn and chat to someone else. Sit between or opposite your daughters for support.

Is this a farewell lunch before your sister goes back to Australia? You could just keep thinking 'oh well, she'll be 12,000 miles away soon'.

Could you see her off at the airport to make sure she gets on the plane? Then go out for a celebratory meal with your DH.

Caring what other people think is certainly a waste of time - what does it matter anyway? And we can only speculate about what they think - we do not know. And if we have low self-esteem we often get it wrong.

What does matter is that we should be as kind as we can, both to others and to ourselves. Putting ourselves through agonies for the sake of what we think others might think is counter-productive and wholly pointless.

I can understand what you are hoping to get from your mum.

I am not so sure what you are hoping to get from other people.
The caring what general people think is a waste of time.

A relative of mine used to care. She thought they might be thinking x y and z about her and was trying to stop that. I told her they were not thinking x y and z, but they were thinking a b and c.
She didnt care they were thinking a b and c.

I can see that you are determined to go to lunch with your mother and sister. Just try to visualise this 'army of supporters' standing four square with you and don't let these people hurt you any more.

Like you I have suffered with depression for several years, although not as severe as you. I also have a very controlling mother who never ceases to tell me how much better my brother is than I. I understand your need to gain her approval and your wish not to upset her.

If you are determined to attend this lunch is it possible for you to have a word with your daughter beforehand, explain how you are feeling and asking for her support should anything come up during the lunch which could upset you? Sometimes a third person pointing out something is wrong has more affect.

A wise friend once told me not to worry about upsetting people who didn't worry about upsetting me.

Always remember you have an army of supporters behind you on GN

Does it really matter what "anyone" thinks? Is not your health more important? You need to value your own well-being and be kinder to yourself. You have nothing to prove to these people who really do not matter.

Is OH behind you in this decision?

I am very concerned that you will make yourself ill again - they really are not worth it.

Put on your best smiley face then and don't let the b....rs grind you down .