taking d (step) gs off to uni today,rather bittersweet

You won't be the only proud parent/grandparent delivering a young student to university. My DGD was glad to have me to help her to settle in and was always very pleased to have lunch with me about once a month. Students will always welcome a good square meal!

Thank you janea

I'm so glad you managed to say what you wanted to Dresden, and I hope the day went well

nightowl what a lovely post. I agree, most people who have lost someone dear to them want to keep their memory alive and talking helps.
Dresden Your DSGS is indeed lucky to have you -he's probably as proud of you and your DH as you are of him. I hope he enjoys his time at uni - and it will be good for your DiL too, knowing he is close to you.

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I decided to say my piece before we left home so that dgs had time to recover if it made him feel sad. I'm glad I said it, though I was a bit weepy.

Off in a few minutes, it's an exciting afternoon!

I gave DS a card to open later on, saying how proud we were of him and how much we would miss him, rather than embarrass him face to face - also I didn't know how much privacy we would get. So maybe you could send a similar card? One that he could read and think about by himself.

Dresden I feel for you but this young man is going on a great adventure and you are the ones chosen to share this moment with him. I remember when I took my DD my lovely DH knew what was happening with me and managed to drag round a corner by the bins for a good howl when we said goodbye and she was watching us from her second floor room as we went to the car park. By the bins we found several other parents all doing the same thing!
I hope all goes well and he'll have a wonderful time and I'm sure he'll share some of that with you. Best wishes

Congratulations on your DGS starting University.

It is a very emotional day, keep the tissues handy. Expect mixed emotions for you too. But I would say to him "You're dad would have been proud, you're dad is proud." Do it with a hug and not as you are leaving so that you can leave him on an upbeat note. It's nothing he's not thinking and feeling himself. Boys are very complex creatures and we always have to look for the sub text with them. But hit the nail on the head with them of what they are worrying about and you get a stream of talking, in my son's case anyway.

And no, you won't embarrass him. He will be very glad of your love and support, especially when you have left and he thinks over what you have done today. Take him with pride, he's done so well, hug him in private, have a word about his dad and leave him saying you'll expect him and his washing in a month. (They told my daughter not to go home in first month so that she could acclimatise, that's what she told me anyhow )

Good luck, thinking of you.

You know your grandson best Dresden, but I think you should say it, just choose your moment away from too many other people if possible and don't labour the point.

Our niece died 7 years ago when her son was 14. Because of her long illness he had lived with his dad for a few years and had little if any memory of her when she was well. When we saw him, which was not often, my OH would always talk to him about his mum and I noticed that he would begin to seek us out on family occasions. I think others avoided talking about her, but from us he began to see another side of his mum who had once been happy, vibrant, and who loved him so much. Your DGS's father will never die for his son if others help to keep him alive.

Good luck with all this - you will I am sure be sensitive to the vibe when you get there and do the right thing.

I think that in this situation I would be guided by my GS - if he brings up the subject of his father, then respond appropriately. If he doesn't, then maybe best to let it lie at this stage. He will have plenty of emotions swimming around in his head, and you need to take the lead from him as to what he can cope with at present.

I kept it pretty low key when my DDs left for uni, but made sure they knew we would be there for them whatever.

These first days at uni are pretty full-on - he will soon be absorbed into the flow of uni life and making new friends.

How lovely that he will be in the UK and you will be able to see more of him.

Thank you for your kind messages, they are lovely.

I keep wondering whether I should say anything about his dad to dgs today? As far as I know, dil doesn't say much about emotional stuff to the gdcs as it is still so raw and painful for her. I am quite an open person emotionally and find it helpful to talk, but don't want to make the day any harder for dgs. I think we are all thinking the same thing, but frightened to upset each other. Also I really believe that men have different ways of coping from women.

I want to tell dgs that his dad would be so pleased and proud of him and all that he has achieved, just as we are.

My great-niece was taken to Sheffield yesterday by her mum and younger brother. Lots of freshers doing the same thing, very excited, and all being invited to take off round the campus in groups to orientate themselves. It really helped to dissolve those high emotions around separation, vulnerability and anxiety about that first night away from everything familiar. Brave it out for your DGS, Dresden so he can make his start without too much if a wobble. I hope he enjoys his time in uni - before you know it, you'll be visiting to take him for a meal and to hear all his news about uni life.

What a bittersweet time for you, as you say!

How lovely for you to have your DGS closer though watch out for the dirty washing.

You say you would like to talk about your feelings - Gransnetters are brilliant at listening , so talk away! I expect you will feel quite down once you have you DGS settled and you have got back home, so come on here and tell us how you are. It will be a strange time for your DGS too and, don't worry about embarrassing him, parents do that too!

Take care!

Just say to him 'Have a great time and you know where we are if you need us'. He will probably have very mixed feelings.

Your DSGS is a very lucky youngster to have such a sensitive and caring GP.I hope it goes well for you and him and he keeps you in touch regularly with his life. We can move on, as your friends hope, but loss is so much harder.