My gast is really flabbered!

I do hope you told him!

If he phones again - and this sort of dickhead often does - ask to speak to his CEO, pointing out that you are the owner of the business and don't take calls from office boys! And write a letter of complaint to the owner of his business, suggesting that he/she recruit staff with more than one brain cell each!

Sussex A nice one that.

I once answered my accounts clerk's phone and the voice the other end said: 'Are you Mr Smith's secretary? I replies 'No, I am his manager, can I help you?' It was very satisfying.

Oh dear! - will things never change?

When first married, I had a tax form and filled it in, only to have it returned with the info that my hubby should fill it in. I said that he had no income as he was a student with no grant, and I was the breadwinner. I was told that he should fill it in in his name, putting my income down! We've moved on from that at least!

Once I was stopped by a market research person in the street. As she was very friendly and pleasant, I agreed to answer her questions.

First question, who is the Head of household in your house?

Nobody, I replied.

Well, she said someone must be.

No, I replied.

Do you have a husband?

Yes.

So he must be the head of household!

No.

Who earns the most money- and... do you work?

He does, no I do not.

So he is definitely the head of household.

Me, no. Good bye

I once had a caller at the door ask for 'the man of the house'. I told home that was me.

Sorry not 'home' meant 'him'.

When these cold callers phone (which they shouldn't as I am on the Preference Service) and they ask me how I am, I respond in my schoolmarm voice' Do you know me?' and surprisingly this throws them. I then put down the phone.

The Preference Service doesn't work.

Every afternoon we have been having a telephone call offering to help us with our debts if they are over £5,000 .

We have caller display but, as it's a business line, we answer anyway in case it's 'business'. We cdon't answer the home phone unless the little blighters use 'number withheld' which could also be my brother, a couple of friends, some bits of Mum's home or a friend of Mum's who visits every fortnight at the age of 86!! So we answer most things anyway!

A lady I knew in Austin, Texas often used to wear shorts around the office - it was a software company after all... There were several companies housed in the building, and one day she overheard, as she was meant to, two snooty typists at the water-cooler, with one saying 'Well, if I was her boss I wouldn't allow her to come in like that'. My friend turned and went back to where they stood, and thoroughly enjoyed informing them 'I happen to own the company!'

We called her 'Dragon Lady'...

In market research we have to simply ask who is the chief income earner, it can be anyone, form any source and you do not have to tell them how much income you have. we simply have to record the job that the chief income earner does. It is over 20 years since we have asked who the head of the household is so you should not be asked that.

The reason we ask that is because the answers you give are meaningless unless we know what the job of the chief income earner is because all answers are recorded according to social grade. This is done because the answers from an unemployed person who has no financial commitments will be vastly different to someone with a good job and responsibilities.

Also, questions about say, tv watching for example, will be different for an unemployed person or a retired person who has more time to view. A working person may not have much time to view and may be more selective. Equally someone who is more educated may have different viewing patterns to someone with no qualifications.

This is not sinister and no one has their identity passed on, all they pass on is statistics e.g. 25 per cent of the population watch the news or 10 per cent watch soaps.
So please do not be offended we are just doing our job

We don't get too many cold calls, but one which stands out, my DH answered the phone one morning, he was asked if the caller could speak to the owner of the property..... DH said" NO but thank you for calling",
I had to feel sorry for the caller!!

I had a call yesterday from "Windows Technical Department" I usually just tell them to go away but this time I let him get into his stride when I interrupted him and asked him if this was what he did all day, call up people to try to scam them - I then said in a very sarcastic voice "your mother must be so proud" and hung up

You have to wonder why these Windows Technical Department scam merchants are still operating - surely nearly everyone in the world knows about them by now?

When I could get word in edgeways

The first experience I ever had of cold calling was just like that. This chap (of Asian origin I presume) spoke so fast and with an accent I just didn't understand. I kept trying to tell him to slow down to help me undeerstand him but he didn't keep quiet enough for that!

Eventually, as he finally breathed in, I asked his name. He said 'Walker, John Walker'. I repeated his name to see if I had got it right and my son called from the other room 'Mum, put the phone down, you're talking to a bottle of whiskey'! It was a scam call that appeared in the local press a few days later.

I've been a bit suspicious since then ...

All these African and Asian chaps seem to have terribly British names. I feel like asking what their real name is.

Not just British, Elegran but tailored to the area. I have recently been called by several Scotts, a Morag and an Angus. Neither Morag nor Angus could actually pronounce their own name . Do Gnetters in Wales get calls from Daffyd and are they all called John when calling England?

A very elegant and articulate lady who was recently retired from an educational profession whom I recently met on holiday, was telling me how useful it can be to switch into what she called 'doddery Grannie act'. Must admit I've told a heavily accented caller that I really can't understand them. I do not wait too long, but after several totally garbled sentences, I politely (and in my best ex-banking 'RP' voice ) say....'look I am sorry, but I really cannot understand what you are saying'. Sometimes the call continues with what I presume is something rude (but cannot understand) or sometimes the call just ends. I work on the principal that if its important then they will get back to me.

My SIL tied one of these cold callers into knots one day - the caller finished up telling him to f* off! - in an Indian accent of course!

I must admit that in general I feel really sorry for these people who are forced to do such a pointless and thankless job in order to live. I do my best to be polite to them - it is sometimes rather difficult!

I get very few cold calls, its well over 6 months since I had one. Depending on how I feel I now use 1 or 2 options, If its number withheld I answer with, OH you want the matron!! and shout "matron" The other is, You are through to North (....) police station, I will get the Sargent, then shout Sargent. If its a friend that's rang they laugh, knowing my sense of humor, all others put the phone down and don't ring back

Our surname is Smalley, and I`ve lost count of how many times the Asian caller has asked if they`re speaking to Mrs Smelly! I always hang up on them, with a resounding "NO!"

It doesn't seem to happen to me too often, but when someone rings up and asks 'Is that Ms W....?' I deny it which deflates the caller right away.