DD3 is married to an idiot!!

Oh what a mess kitty at least in my DD's case we are expecting it to be reasonably amicable (famous last words) without any blame being thrown around. Your daughter is really going to need you. No wonder he already had a failed marriage.

I'll volunteer for the GN hit squad kitty. How dare he say that to your DH!
I hope your dd sees the light soon and dumps this unpleasant excuse for a man.

DD went to the GP today and has had her medication tweaked. She seems much more positive and has gone home to bake (she has a small business making wedding/celebration cakes)

SiL told DH, by text, that DD has a 'screw loose' and is 'barking mad' and bringing him down. I do know she is not perfect (I lived with her for 19 years ) but she is trying her best and keeps asking him for support only to be told to pull herself together!

Does the GN hit squad still operate?

Sounds to me as if PND is probably not helping.
Perhaps she should ask her GP for more active treatment.

DebnCreme

Have to say HildaW your comments have given me much to think about. Thank you

I feel for you- we've been there too, 'sandwiched' between caring for elderly parents and trying to sort out our childrens' mess. So hard.

However, it does take 2 to tango. Our youngest got herself in a disastrous relationship with a control, macho freak- and moved to the Canaries with him. He was indeed a bar stewart of the worst order- but now it is all over, thank goodness- we can't blame him 100%- she knew how he was, and in some instances I'm sure she aggravated him too. We supported her 100 and more % when things truly went belly up- but we also felt she should take some responsibility herself. Surely your daughter knew he worked away from home and that at this age he would not have as much energy after a long week at work, to care for the children. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

When OH worked very long hours, nights and week-ends, it was hard to look after the house, garden and children single-handedly, with no family support whatsoever as my parents lived abroad- but didn't feel I could expect him to take over when he came home as he was totally exhausted. Not easy- and at times, almost impossible - but then I knew he worked such crazy hours. Knowing I could not rely on anyone, except my wonderful neighbour- just had to get on with it. Sometimes being too close to help is a blessing- but also prevents people from finding their own solutions, perhaps.

Hope it all works for the best in the end. Bonne chance.

kitty I do hope your DD gets some help from her GP to-day I really do think the time will come when she does confide in you,maybe she is frightened of those "I told you so" words something which I'm sure you would never do,we had this with our DD as she was too frightened to admit she had made a drastic mistake when she married "her idiot" once she got things off her chest things improved,We where also lucky enough to live nearby so we could be available as and when she needed us.

Deedaa - could we swap?

Iam - DH and I are fine - we have our shared dislike of the idiot in common

I suspect DD is suffering from PND rose to misquote Winston Churchill - she will get better but he will always be a prat!!

Jane - we are treading very carefully at the moment as DD is not at the stage of complaining to us about him yet! We seem to have bred 5 children who are loyal to a fault!

DD is going to the GP again today and then coming to stay the night.

My SiL is nearly 50, has been quite ill himself, but makes a lot of effort to help with the house and children. He does admit that he's finding it quite hard to cope with lively youngsters at his age - but he does get A for effort.

Kitty I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this.
The thing that struck me most about your account was your SiL emailing your DH about 'your daughter'.
That is not a normal way to behave and I think you are quite right to keep your distance and not allow him to draw you in.
I don't know about CBT but perhaps your daughter would benefit from some counselling to help her decide what she really wants?

Having two babies relatively quickly can be a shock to the system and having one of them ill and in hospital will be very worrying. DH was away a lot (months at a time) when DD1 and DS were babies and small toddlers and I found it very hard, as my DP were over 100 miles away (and did not drive) and MIL worked and had an elderly DM to look after as well.
Is it possible DD3 is suffering from PND? Husband needs someone to tell him that he has to be more supportive, and if he can't be then he will have to pay someone to help with the housework.

Of course the house is a bit of a mess with two babies - if he wanted a perfect, ordered house then he should not have got married again and had another family. I hope he will soon realise that he needs to change his ways.

yes, he sounds a real joy. Your daughter is lucky to have you to support her. Try not to forget to look after yourself and your relationship with your husband

I disagree Jess; panic attacks may not be a physical disease but ARE classed as a mental illness.

Panic attacks must be horrid. But they are not an illness. So be glad she is healthy kitty.
First aid for panic attacks is to Breath Slowly into a paper bag. Hyperventilating flushes too much carbon dioxide out of bloodstream and that in turn created dizziness, fainting and other symptoms. If you breathe the stale air back in out of your paper bag you help to boost up the co2 in your bloodstream.

I just think it's a good job you are so close, for your own peace of mind as much as to help your daughter and the littlies. It's so hard when you can't make things better.

Panic attacks are never silly, they need support and some sort of intervention. Fingers crossed your DD can get the help she needs so that she is equipped to make the changes she needs.

Yours are wise words indeed Hilda

DD does want things to change but Sil has told us that she can't accept its all her fault! And, she would feel better if she pulled herself together and stopped having silly panic attacks! He is truly enlightened and enlightening!

kitty You have my sympathies too, as I'm also experiencing similar with both my children at once!
No sooner is one crisis over than another one starts!

"Don't worry Mum" they say.............

I hope improve soon for you kitty and you mcem

Very wise words Hilda I should have stepped back with my DS's marriage and saved some prolonged heartache for us all.

Dear kittylester - yes he sounds a prat! However, as my dear Mum always used to say no one really knows what's going on in a marriage - and that includes the ones in it.
Acting as a sort of devils advocate I'd just like to throw a few thoughts out there.
Your DD did choose this, on the face of it, unedifying husband, so perhaps she sees something in him. He must be fully aware of your opinion of him so he will be unlikely to see anything from your point of view. The is obviously a real crisis at the moment but as you are always there to pick up the pieces you might just be inadvertently helping to perpetuate the situation. Until your daughter admits or perhaps even recognises that she does not want things to carry on as they are, they will stay the same because she's got you 5 minutes away to help out.

I can feel you fuming at me as I type this but, it comes from a bit of experience. As Mums, we cannot bear the idea of our children suffering but sometimes we can be a bit too quick to step in and although we are helping at the time, in the long run we just might be undermining our childrens' ability to solve their own problems.

Thank you all for your input. I think we are all agreed he is a prat - although DD1 has a string of wonderful expletives reserved for someone who is hurting her 'baby' sister! And, yes, we would prefer it if he just left so that DD could move on. I'm not sure she sees it that way and she is not good at opening up to us.

I am sorry that you are going through the same thing annsixty and mcem We have been married nearly 44 years and three of our five have chosen badly, although DS2 has a lovely partner now and is a brilliant father to her two boys!

At the moment my cleaner is helping out DD and acting as our early warning system! I am doing the washing, our tumble dryer doesn't know what has hit it as it usually just sits quietly in the garage minding its own business but is currently working its little socks off, DD has stayed 2 nights each of the last 3 weeks (with the children!!!!) and Annabel Karmel's ready made children's meals profits will be soaring!!

It is such a relief to have talked to you lot (as soop would say) - we keep going round in circles and the one friend I would normally tell my troubles to, has troubles of her own at the moment!

I was so sorry to learn of this kitty. It doesn't look good and you are going to be needed more than ever but at the very least get him to cough up for some help at home and support your DD emotionally in every way you can. Heart breaking when a man is so insensitive and plain selfish.

A prize prat, kitty. Your DD is so lucky to have you. It seems that it would be a good thing if he did leave - for the sake of your DD's mental state.

I feel for you. Without going into details, I'm now trying to help with the aftermath. A daughter who is ill, with 2 little ones but away from him. She spent a lot of time in hospital but he wasn't put out by it. He assumed, correctly, that she'd be visited, her needs attended to and the children fed and looked after. His complete lack of caring brought things to a head and now she's just about coping but free from him.