Are you a good mother?

My 3 children love me as do my growing number of grandchildren, that's good enough for me...
I did my best mostly.....

dollie I think motherhood comes with far too many handbooks – lots of them written by people who have never had children themselves and all of them in conflict with each other.

Yes, I think I am a good mum but not a perfect one. My children love me and so do my dgc, and that's good enough for me.

I do wish that I'd spent more time playing with my children, but as I had them both in less than a year, and the first one nearly died at 6 weeks, I was just too exhausted.

I was the best mother I know how to be. I thought I was good but looking back there are so many things I would now do differently.
But being young and inexperienced, with the added pressure of mortgage payments going up every month and galloping inflation I think I became very depressed at how hard the whole thing of marriage and motherhood was at that time. So all in all I think I was crap at the whole thing.

That should read. the best mother I KNEW how to be.

My DD, who is quite a reserved and private person is a brilliant Mum to my two DGC and I once said so. She rarely makes any comments about me but on this occasion she said "Well you need to have had a good Mum to be one" and although I'm not sure that is true, I took a good deal of pleasure from her saying it.

What a wonderful thing for your daughter to say to you Gagagran. You must have really felt proud of her and of yourself. I was probably rubbish because I didn't have my mother as she sadly died when I was only 3 years old. I really didn't have a clue about so many things. But I tried hard.

you could be right there absent as there seems to be books for everything which all contradict each other...!

That's true Dollie like all of us I tried hard to do my best. Looking back may ride too hard gave up place at teacher training as my son was in middle exams but really you can give up too much.

I don't regret devoting my life to the before my career as it was my choice and more common 30 years ago I lost my mum and m I law and had no free child sure as it were so just got on with it.

While don't regret it maybe was not wise to give everything up? Who knows.

My son totally appreciates all I did anyway!

I never gave it a thought: just got on with the day-to-day business of being a mum. I didn't take up part-time work in FE until DS2 was almost 2 and that was evening classes. Full time, when they were teenagers. So I don't have a full teacher's pension. Not that I begrudge lack of career progression. I have two lovely sons and they have no complaints.

Just glanced sideways at a little 'post it'

stuck by my computer . It says,'' Just because you are a great mum and I love you, your DD'' That's good enough for me!.

Good question Absent. I did my best, and still do try to be a 'good mum'. Legally, we only have to be 'good enough' but I suspect it's natural to aspire to an unachievable perfection. It's a job most of us really want, there isn't any training, you can't simply resign, you're in it for life.
I have really enjoyed some of the comments on this thread, especially When's "phew, swerved that one".
I'm the oldest and my mum often said to me, with a wry smile "we should all get one to practice on, because the ones who come next really benefit from a more experienced mum". (My mum was the oldest in her family as well, as was her mum….)

I've just reread my post and think I came over as being a bit complacent. I'm not complacent. I don't think I did a good job at all but it was the best I could manage at the time and I loved it.

My children are brilliant parents (to their own and to their steps) and I wish that I had been as good as they are now.

On the plus side, they do keep coming back to see us but that's the girls rather more than the boys - not sure what that means.

I have never claimed to be a good mother. After my horrible upbringing I didn't want anything for my DD other than to be the same as the other kids at school - to be clean, well dressed, go on school trips if we could afford it - none of which I had. Not sure if that was the right thing. You do what you believe to be right. She is a good mother herself but far more ambitious for her DD (who is very bright) than I was with her. She tells me she knows she is a good mum, I never really thought about it at the time. My DD has turned out well, is hard working etc so I suppose I must have done something right. She is always telling me I was a good mother but I'm not convinced.

Anyone who cannot look back and see things they could have done better, was probably a pretty poor parent.

Despite my mistakes I have two children who are pleasant, honest and work hard. After that it is difficult to sort out nature and nurture as I can see traits of character, good and bad, in each that are inherited and some I hope I nurtured. They are now in their 40s. DS and DDiL are loving and caring parents, DD happily single and we still remain a close family unit, even though we do not live close to each other.

There is not much more than that one can hope for.

I don't think I was a particularly good mother, because a lot of the time I 'muddled through'. However unless my children are very good actors, they seem to think I was a terrific mother. They write me these heartfelt cards, both of them, of how lucky they are. All I know is that I kept them close and was always with them, there was a home cooked dinner on the table at the same time every night without exception, and when they were teenagers our house was the local hangout (with me present of course).

And - I think I've posted about this before - my daughter then about aged 6 teaching me a big lesson. "Quality time" was all the rage back then and I had called her because I was ready for our "special time", she stood with her hands on her hips and told me "I'm not coming now, it's not a good time for me". This happened a few more times before I realised that kids actually just need time when they need it. All the time, actually!

Or, perhaps it is just because: I got the biggest backhanded compliment from my daughter yesterday when I overheard her saying "Oh, no my mother won't mind that at all, she is the most laidback person I know". .

Anyway, I thought we all knew that a mother's place is in the wrong!

FlicketyB, absolutely agree with you. Surely, we all reflect on things we done, and can see how it could have been done better. Parenting is the most difficult job most of us ever have, we muddle through, loving our children, doing the best we can, as life continues to happen all a round us.
Not long before he died, my dad asked my sister if he'd been a good dad? He'd been ruminating on all the changes of school we experienced as he pursued his career. . We were all reduced to tears to think of dad, who was unwell at that time, worrying he'd somehow let us down. I never met a perfect parent, didn't have perfect parents, and know I haven't been perfect. One of my big regrets is following the advice about breast feeding in the early 70's. It was complete rubbish, as a result of which I moved onto bottle feeding, on the advice of the health visitor, when my baby was 6 weeks old. Good start eh!

nightowl, you could have written my post for me. I wasn't a good mother, I don't think. Certainly not as good a mother as I am a grandmother. I was always fraught - always worried about money, and rather impatient. The children were always fed well and clothed warmly, although there wasn't anything left for anything fancy in any way.
I'm a good mother now. Maybe too late - but I don't think so.

Looking back I think a good parent can be defined simply as a parent whose children feel absolutely confident that their parents love them, all the rest is froth.

When I look back at my relationship with my parents, my mother in particular, it was never entirely easy, a feeling shared by my sisters, but we remained a very close family and it was because our parents love for us was unconditional and we all knew that no matter what we did, what kind of messes we made of our lives, how we offended those things they believed in, that they would always be there to love us, protect us and welcome us home.

In answer to the OP, I've never claimed to be a good mother but I did my best.

As my two sons turned out well I assume that I was good enough. DS1 is the father of my two grandchildren and he seems to trust me with their care

Looking back, no doubt I could have done some things differently!

flicketyB you've hit the nail on the head ..."love is all you need, the rest is detail".

Hmmm. Not sure about that. Think there might be a bit more to it really.

Common sense?

Values sorted?

Sense of fairness if you've got two squabbling brats siblings?

I think I did my best - we were married when I was 19, after DD was born. (That is a story I've told before!) None of it, obviously, planned! I was an only child, and knew nothing about babies. But I learned fast, and, as you do, got on with it. By the time my second son was born, I felt like an old hand.

I do think that, being so young, I had lots of energy and determination, and remember running around with them in the parks, and learning to feed them on very little money.

I went back to university when DS2 was 3, and carried on studying and working from then on. My experience as a parent certainly fed into my teaching!

They have all three turned out to be lovely, intelligent, compassionate people, so maybe I got something right. And they are loving children too. AND they have the most glorious children, of course! Six of them...