Oh Phoenix, my heart goes out to you, losing a child is the worse pain you can ever go through. My son was murdered, some years ago and although you learn to deal with it, I know there will never be a day, when you do not think about him and think "what if".
If ever you want to PM me please do because I will totally understand and will always be ready to listen.
It will get easier I promise, but, it will take time.
I know there is nothing that I can say, so love and prayers. 
Charities report donors giving rubbish to their outlets 🙄
How to tell a six year old about death
Live screening of an execution and send ups of the death of a mentally ill man in a tiger compound
. Thinking about you and hoping you can get through December. Be kind to yourself.