There was a young lady from . . .

There once was a poet from Sussex
Who thought that she wrote in iambics.
When challenged she said
'Oh it's hurting my head
I've only got time for polemics'.

There was a young man from Calcutta
Who went to write c--t on a shutter
He'd written C-U-
When a pious Hindu
Knocked him arse over head in the gutter

There was an announcer named Herschel
Whose habits became controversial,
Because when out wooing
Whatever he was doing
At ten he'd insert his commercial.

There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was 'had' by Sir Gerald du Maurier
Another ten men
And Sir Gerald again
And the band from the Waldorf Astoria

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think---
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

There once was a person from Lyme
Who married three wives at a time.
When asked, "Why a third?"
He replied, "One's absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime!"

Ariadne our version was a young lady from Tottenham because we knew one who was "rather up herself"

There was a young lady from Riga
Who went for a ride on a tiger
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside
And a smile on the face of the tiger.

And - this is not a limerick but a little favourite by Wendy Cope:

It really wouldn't do to let him stay.
Not for the first time, not today.
But she put on her new black knickers anyway.

There was a young lady for Nottingham
Who'd no manners or if she had she'd forgotten 'em.
At tea at the vicar's
She took off her knickers
Complaining that she felt too hot in 'em.

How nice to see that I'm far from being the only rude gran! As a poet, I am frequently accused of obscenity, and indeed blasphemy as several of my poems have an alternative look at religion. Being a performance poet, however, I often find that the rudest poems are the ones the audience likes best! Can't please all the people all of the time!

There was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter named Nan
ran away with a man
and as for the bucket
Nan took it

There was a young lady of Kew,
Who said as the Curate withdrew,
"The Vicar is slicker,
And quicker and thicker,
And two inches longer than you."

There was a young lady of Trent,
Who said that she knew what it meant,
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine,
She knew, oh she knew, but she went!

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Chorus to be sung in between limericks -

That was a cute little rhyme.
Sing us another one
Just like the other one
Sing us another one do.

There was a man from Dundee
Who liked being slapped on the knee
this rhyme could have got worse
when he called for a nurse
but it's OK as he's an MP

There was a young student from Buckingham
Who stood on a bridge down in Uppingham
He was watching the stunts
Of the c***s in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were fuckingham

I know some really ripe ones - but with some subtlety - of course!

You post yours Elegran and I will post mine!! Sounds a bit like the back of the bike sheds!!

Do you think I could post the one about the young man from Buckingham, or would it get deleted? Or receive "adverse crits" for the language?

So agree about Lear - I really thought that was a cop-out.

Here is a wonderful limerick - not mine though.

While Titian was mixing rose madder
His model reclined on a ladder
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition
So he leapt up the ladder and 'ad 'er!

That's what I always foound so disappointing in Edward Lear's limericks - but perhaps they were ground-breaking in their day.