How to go with the flow

Mishap I hope the day of the funeral provides a positive time for you to think of all the things that your dad meant to you and that it is a helpful step along the path of grief. Take care of yourself, listen to the lovely music you have chosen to celebrate your Dad's musical interest and talent
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Sorry. I meant mishap.

Maybe it's just a son/daughter thing. My dad died 43 years ago and whenever he crops up in conversation my older brother talks about a different man to the one I knew. My younger brother paints a picture of a distant figure in our lives who was not very 'hands on' (they weren't in those days). My memories are of a loving, hard working 'provider' with a lovely sense of humour who was well respected in the community. Those are MY memories and I'm sticking with them.

No one can take away what your dad meant to you, phoenix

Mishap

Thank you for all the ideas and thoughts.

In fact the grandchildren have sent my brother their thoughts and I sent mine, and they have all been glossed over in a few lines in my brother's tribute! He said he wanted to concentrate on Dad - but in fact he has concentrated on himself really!

He is a very kind man, but can be a bit controlling. He is trying to get us siblings to make the same donation each, rather than make our own decision about this.

But nothng can be as bad as what phoenix endured - so I will go mwith the flow.

The remembrance book is a good idea. I will give it some thought.

However, I will not stir anything up, as it is simply not worth it. The celebrant will make it clear why the music choices have been made and how they reflect Dad's talents in that direction; and I will sit and listen to the music and have my own memories.

That is a lovely idea Hilda. Early this year I was at a friend's funeral and there was a book of remembrance at the meal afterwards. Lots of people wrote memories in the book and I am sure it has been a great comfort to her family over the last few months and will be in the future. Mishap hope it goes well for you. Your brother has his memories and you have yours. Isn't it strange how different people see different versions of us!!

Lovely idea Hilda.

Perhaps you could start a Book of Remembrance. If you bought it and then wrote the first entry as you wanted and then introduced it in a very low key way after the service as a sort of fait accompli so that anyone could add their comments.

Oh this is a hard one. I like others, think maybe you could put your side of your Dad in your own tribute, or ask another family member or friend. I always think the eulogy or tribute is an opportunity to celebrate different aspects of a person's life. There should ideally be something for each of the groups represented - family, friends, neighbours, former colleagues (if any) and should raise an affectionate smile. I have felt "let down" by eulogies which were one sided or like you say a recruitment drive for the church. A French friend's funeral 2 years ago made absolutely NO concessions to her French heritage (husband's choice) and my former Head of Department who was a lovely man with a wide range of interests from rugby to all things Russian - plus a wicked sense of humour - well , his eulogy was just all about how he had "found Jesus." But the bottom line is that this is YOUR Dad (and your brother's and sister's) and anything which might cause bad feeling simply doesn;t belong here. How about something from a grandchild if any are of an age to do a short reading or tell an anecdote about him? Will be thinking of you

I had one or two big challenges when my father died. I don't know about your father but I know mine, above all else, would not have wanted my brother and me to fall out.

So that's what guided me and I made some serious concessions.

Mishap I was also going to suggest you spoke too, but I know how hard that must be.
There were only four of us at my dad's funeral, and it must have been the shortest service ever, no hymns, just Mozart's Requiem, which was perfect, and dad would have loved it.
I personally couldn't have coped with anything else, and as we all knew what a special person he was, it was fine.

Mishap, if you have chosen the music that your dad loved, then that is your tribute. It's what is in your heart that counts.

Oh phoenix how perfectly dreadful. I cannot imagine how you dealt with it - you must have needed the patience of a saint. Well done you. I would have been incandescent.

But you have your own memories and those are what are real and what matter.

If I knew how to do the sending flowers bit I would!

phoenix

You get this happening when one person takes control, but it sounds like you've got the chance to provide some balance, Mishap. I have never felt able to speak at a funeral, but I've contributed poems or a eulogy for someone to read on my behalf. That felt ok for me, as I put lots of time into what I wanted to be said. I hope it goes well for you all

Yes, Mishap and big time! There was a "sudden" change at Jack's funeral, when a school friend found herself too overwhelmed to deliver her tribute, but luckily "by chance" (*NOT*) my exdh's partner of the time just happened to have a copy of my least favourite funeral poem with her and went up and read it.

The whole funeral was organised by the pastor of the church exdh & partner were heavily involved with at the time, and he seemed to regard it as an opportunity for a recruitment drive.

He actually said to me the only time that I met with him before the service (I eventually told him that no, I would NOT meet him in a coffee shop in the nearest town, even though it might seem more convenient for him, this was after he kept TEXTING me, which I thought highly inappropriate under the circumstances) he said "You know, there are going to be a lot of young people at this service (no shit Sherlock!) and I think this is an opportunity to show them that the church isn't always a stuffy sort of place"

I was [cross]

I feel sure the music you have chosen Mishap will speak for itself, and for you.

I also think that keeping schtum is by far the best policy regarding your brother's tribute to his father. As you say, it contains some excellent and touching moments. Everyone brings their own feelings about their relationships at moments like this. It would be a kindness to allow your brother that.

So yes, go with the flow, and embrace your memories of your dear Dad.

Didn't make myself clear above. What I meant was, could a member of his family or a close friend play something special? Sorry!!

I was just going to suggest the same thing jings.

Different people see things differently, don't they. If you don't feel up to Mishap could you ask someone else who sees your father in a similar way to you. You could have some input to that and feel that you have shown the other side to your father. Can someone play a piece of music that meant a lot to your father, too?

Feelings do run high at times like these but you don't want to have any regrets. (((hugs)))

Could you perhaps make a little tribute of your own Mishap? Would be nice for a daughter to speak as well as a son. That's if you feel up to it of course.