Grief, sadness and depression

What a dreadful thing to happen to you, chocolate pudding. I don't believe you ever get over the loss of a child. I am sure being able to talk about your baby and what had happened would be the best possible therapy for you.
One of my friends had a still born baby, in the days before they let the parents hold the baby and take photos. She said the midwives seemed to be embarrassed and just wanted her to leave as soon as possible. Even her husband said 'Well, we can try again right way'. I think there is much greater understanding now - at least I hope so.

Chocolate x

My baby daughter died suddenly in her cot, age 7 months, in 1976.

I found her when she had been dead for an hour.

We were staying at my parents' house and after the ambulance had been my parents' GP arrived.

He gave us a large bottle of "valium" in one of its mildest strengths and said we could take up to 4 tablets at once. This was for all the family to use (it was just before Christmas and he was being practical). I rarely took any tablets as I did not want to become addicted to them.

A few weeks later we returned to the University town where my DH was studying. I had no one to talk to and my GP just prescribed more valium. My health visitor called in and when told of my DD death said "Oh so that's why you haven't been to baby clinic recently".

I think anyone who is bereaved needs someone to talk to for however long it takes. Mild sedatives may help to take the raw edge away and dull the pain of grief for a while.

Next week my DD would have celebrated her 37th birthday - it will be a quiet day for us to remember her and miss her.

Gally (((hugs))) - not much help but sincerely meant.

Greatnan

I did infact think before I posted for exactly the reason Ceesnan has pointed to. You and I have clashed on many occassions and I do not think I posted anything on this thread that warrents your continued annoyance.

I think I may have tried too hard to be respectful to you, I should have known better. I also find it very sad this tit for tat between us has occured on a thread you started that has a serious and deep felt meaning to some GN for obvious reasons. It belittles the thread in my opinion.

You invite a response from me by the wording of your posts, it does not sit well with me to behave in this manner and I would like to leave it at that.

No, thanks, Ceesnan, I have said all I have to say on this subject. Talk about an innocent post being misinterpreted.........

Ok, I should have said that her comment was not directed at you, but if you go back and look at it again, you should see what I mean.

Gally

Er.....as she used my name that seemed a reasonable supposition!

That her post was directed at you.

Jump to what conclusion?

Gally it is almost 10years since Peter died and I still miss him. There are days when I feel down but most of the time I'm ok. As you say the worst bit is feeling 'alone'. I have now got used to it though!

greatnan is it not possible that POGS was trying to stop you from jumping to that conclusion? After all, you must surely admit that you have clashed with her several times, and I took this comment as a geniune attempt to prevent another one.

One of the reasons I disliked my father so much happened before I was born, but my mother told me about it. She was carrying me when her little boy of 12 months old died of meningitis. At the funeral, she cried and my father said to her 'Oh, don't let's have the water works'. She always said that my birth saved her from deep depression. (I guess I have been some use in the world!)

I have to stress again that I am in no way critical of anybody who needs medication to fight depression, or any doctor who prescribes it. However, the women in the programme were at pains to explain that they were experiencing grief and needed to work their way through it.

You know, I didn't think this thread would cause any arguments! I should know by now!

Anno I had similar experience when Mum died in care after years of dementia.I cared for her(and DH and 3 children)in our home until it became too much.
When she died and I was grieving my ex said something like 'Cheer up she's gone now'. Later I found he had been 'playing away'!
I had not then discovered counselling and didn't have medication.We moved to a big old house needing lots of work.Demands of family,house
and my work got me through but talking and Gransnet would have helped.
P.S.Amitryptiline -formerly used as an antidepressive -is now prescribed in low dosage by my GP to help when sleep is disturbed by arthritic pain!

If you were 'absolutely sure it was in no way a trivial comment' why use those words? And if they were not directed at me, at whom were they directed?

Greatnan

I thought my first sentance made just that point. I reiterate.

"I am absolutely sure that you meant that in no way a trivial comment so please DO NOT THINK MY POST IS DIRECTED TO YOU"

I guess we write in a different style and I don't know how much clearer I can be .

Gally, I also know about the deep pit - if I find myself slipping towards the edge I have to make a real effort to think of something else. I know the horror of spending night after night, going over and over everything you have said or done that might have hurt your relative.
Now, it is probably only one night a week but I still compose long letters to my daughter on my walks but I don't send them because I know she would rip them up.
You will never get over the loss of your dear husband, but I do believe the pain will get less intense over the years.

Great heavens, Pogs, how could you possibly interpret my very serious posts to mean I thought grieving was trivial? By 'simply' I meant that they had no physical condition that needed treating by drugs.
No doubt there are people who become clinically depressed after the death of someone they love, but the women on the programme were saying that they felt they were being told that their grieving was in some way a medical problem. Millions of women became addicted to tranquillisers such as Prozac because they seemed to be a quick fix - doctors did not have the time to indulge in 'listening therapy' which was probably what the women needed.
I am in no way criticising anybody who feels they need something to get them through their grief - but I would be very careful about using sleeping tablets in the long term as they are very addictive. Believe me, I know about addiction to over-the-counter drugs as well as prescribed drugs. The problem is that after a while the drugs lose their effect, so the temptation is to increase the dose. I know somebody who ended up taking a packet of 20 Nytol a day.If anybody is concerned, they can google the side effects.

Gally

I totally understand your feelings. Some days the 'pit' is deeper than others.

Gally

A week or so after J died so suddenly last year, I called my GP surgery and spoke to one of the many GP's who asked in a very callous manner ' Well, what do you want then? Something to help the anxiety or sleeping pills?' Strange, I thought it was for the Dr to decide these things. I had never taken medication for either depression or sleep. I opted for the sleeping pills, which I didn't use at the time. However, recently I have started taking them as the grief does continue in very strange ways as POGS describes. I am full of disbelief - cannot come to terms with the fact that he has gone for good - I am full of indecision, I am lonely - not that I don't have friends and lots to do, but I am just 'alone'. Everywhere I go there are couples and then there's me; I am full of remorse and guilt for what was said or done or not said and done and basically I am one mess, can't sleep and can't see beyond the end of my own nose and I completely understand why people resort to medication, if only for a short while to get them through a particularly bad period.

Greatnan you used the words 'simply grieving'. I am absolutely sure that you meant that in no way a trivial comment so do not think my post is directed to to it.

I think we can all agree grieving is a human process, it could not be anything other than that. However, it is so individual it is impossible to compare one persons grieving period to another. There are so many compounds to grieving, how close you were, your love for them etc. People are different in many ways, some are very quiet, some are loud, some are empathetic, some are hard as nails. When you loose a loved one it can surprise you just how affected you are and quite literally the whole world can crash in on you. Nobody can possibly know, nor understand how another is feeling. I have not lost a child but I can understand the depths of despair a person must suffer, it is most possibly everybodys nightmare scenario.

I think anti depressants have a place. What then has to happen is control by the doctor and the patient, if that is lax then problems may/will occur. If you are feeling so desperately low you could be suicidal with or without tablets so better tot try to help than do nothing in my opinion.

After my mother died, my (now ex) husband gave me no support or sympathy. He knew I didn't always get on well with her and assumed I wasn't grieving. He knew nothing about the nature of grief. Moreover I discovered that he was 'playing away'. I became very depressed and weepy and eventually went to my doctor who gave me an anti-depressant- prothiaden, in the pre-prozac days - which got me over a difficult period and which I was able to come off easily after a few months.

petra I'm glad your doctor was able to give you something to help you over what was obviously a traumatic experience. This wouldn't have been antidepressants which have to be given over a long period to become effective. The woman I heard in the programme we were discussing said she had gone to her doctor to ask for something to help her to sleep, as she too wanted something short term. However her doctor had immediately put her on antidepressants which made things much worse. I would never deny that medication has a role but I do feel that it is prescribed too readily and without proper regard for the side effects. The drug companies are far too powerful in my opinion.