Perhaps not an end but certainly an immense change. I came back to the UK from NY in 1984 following the separation between my ex and myself, with an 8 year old son and 5 year old daughter in tow. I met C as our sons were in the same class and had become friends. We had a lot in common besides being lone parents. We are both avid readers, love films, walking etc. We got on extremely well and shared a lot of the trials, tribulations and joys over the years. We weren't in each others pockets and of course we each had other friends that each of us saw on a regular basis. We had two super holidays together and that is always a test of friendship. But because of our situation we did tend to spend more time with each other. I was 'retired' at 60 years old, at the time it was the policy of the Medical Practice that all staff retired at 60. [of course thats all changed now]. As I had a small amount still to pay on my mortgage, I took a part time job at a quality supermarket where I now work as an internet shopper. My mortgage is paid I now work because I enjoy it. C worked until she was about 64 when she announced that she was retiring. That's when the change started. She seems to be withdrawing from the rest of the world. Her world has always been smaller then mine. All her friends live here. She has one son and no other family. I've lived all over the world, have family and friends elsewhere as well as here.
My job means mixing with people of all ages. She now mixes with people a great deal older then us . Our conversations don't flow like they used to - we seem to have less and less in common. As she doesn't have GC she doesn't understand why I like spending time with them as much as I do. As she hasn't any family doesn't understand family ties. I went out to the Forest last week with another friend for a dog walk. We laughed and chatted it was a lovely time. I don't seem to have that with C anymore. It's so sad. Obviously I'll keep up the friendship we've been through a lot together but iwe barely are meeting weekly at the moment.
blackbird a friend who was widowed in 2000, he was only 47 years old, said people would walk across the road rather talk to her. When she confronted one of these people their response was that they didn't want to upset her and were too embarrassed to talk to her. It seems that you really do find out who your friends are.
i would love to think that is the case and we can only wait, hope and pray!!
is very interesting to view different people thoughts.
topical for me as my oldest friend (se another thread) 41 years has hurt me quite badly with regard to my daughter.
Sheis her godmother and sadly my daughter cut us all out of her life (or rather her husband did) over 3 years ago. I have little grand daughter never seen and one who Ilove dearly not seen since she was 9 months old.
My friend has no children of her own and I ws happy she was so close to my daughter, but now it has backfired a bit as she has just heard from her (my friend still sends presents to my grand daughter which I am happy about) we do too and I wrote to tell my daughter her Dad been very ill, she did not respond, but wrote to her godmother and asked her to write back.
My friend refuses to see that this is any way disloyal to me - would be interested to hear other peoples takes on this.
We are struggling to maintain our friendship - I have 2 other close friends and numerous acquaintances but it would upset me dreadfully to close this one down.
I think I too would feel very hurt, but I also think that any contact with your daughter is beneficial. I agree with Greatnan, it could be an 'opener' from your daughter. She may well feel that so much time has passed that she can't come directly to you and is finding another way 'in'. Don't lose contact with your friend for heavens' sake. The more contact they have with each other, the better and hopefully in time it will be transferred to you. She is probably worried about her Dad but just can't make the first move after so long. Fingers x'd.
My daughter has started to talk to her own daughter again, even though she knows she is in touch with me and my other daughter, so perhaps there is a chink of hope. I will never despair! Other people have told such encouraging stories of being reunited with estranged family members, that it has helped me to go on believing that some day I will get my daughter back.
You'll get there Greatnan. ths is a positive sign. Perhaps your daughter's mental health is taking a turn for the better? 
I've been in this 'divided loyalties' situation but in the position of your friend. Not easy. If I were her I would probably stay in touch with your daughter.
Of course, very hurtful for you but I hope you manage to stay friends with your friend as it wouldn't help the situation if you became estranged.
anneandgraham having just read your other post I would like to add that I do think it's important that your friend acknowledges how awful the situation is for you and is tactful and supportive.
Yes, if I were your friend I would be staying in touch with your daughter, for your sake as well as for her immediate relationship with her, but I would say to your daughter that you would love to hear news direct, and to you that she was keeping lines of communication open but not trying to usurp your position.
She is in quite a difficult position herself, in fact. She cannot refuse contact with your daughter - what if there were an emergency and she had denied her the chance to ask for help? What if the emergency were with you, and your friend were the only way to summon your daughter?
thank you ladies is a diffiucult one.
do agree would be easier elegran if my friend could explain that to my daughter.
i should explain I also have a son, sadly he after trying to find out what has gone wrong lost patience with his sister and now does not want to hear her name mentioned.
is very sad, I tried desperately to persuade him to stay in touch for our sakes as much as his but realise not fair to use him as a go between.
He has seen how devastated we are and cannot bear to even discuss her anymore.
I have to respect that do not want to lose him too!!
Yes can see would be stupid to become estranged from my friend, and do hope it does mean light at end of tunnel.
my daughter sent xmas cards for couple years to our other friends but they were fiercely loyal and sent them back, one good friend included a letter very polite but saying if our daughter could not contact us then she could not upset us by accepting card and lots more all very kind and polite.
no response of course.
As I submitted this thread I feel I can add a continuance to it. The friend I've mentioned in my opening remarks and I always exchange birthday and Christmas presents. With birthdays it can be anything to approx. £10 to £15, sometimes a particular present sometimes a treat like a day out. This year, on the day I got a text. 4 days later we met for coffee and I was given a card with a £10 note inside -' couldn't think what to give you'. I was stunned, a £10 note, I'd rather it had been just a card. My friend knows that my favourite gift is a book token, we have a local book shop, if she couldn't think of anything to buy why not resort to a token. When I mentioned this to my daughter she was really shocked as she felt my friend had made no effort or didn't want to make an effort.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I be hurt? Should I dump lol?
Greatnan are you too estranged from your daughter? sorry to pry just gathered that from your post.
I was very close to my only daughter although we had flare ups and fell out now and again I loved (still do) her so much and we were in daily contact.
I still cannot really believe she has cut us off!!
anneandgraham - I will send you a pm as I have talked enough about my problems on here!
I think this discussion highlights how important friendships are to women. Like everyone else on here, I had a friend I had to let go. We met through work and she was very charismatic and great company. I know I was funnier in her company but she was a user. I was always there for her and she was never there for me. 6 years on I still miss her but I know it wasn't a healthy relationship. It took me several years to realise this and it was hard to stop phoning her or jumping when she called 'needing 'me. Fortunately my family were very supportive. I tend to be very forgiving of people's behaviour and am not good at closure. My daughter is much better at this and can protect herself. Sometimes it helps to think in terms of looking after one's self.
My word all this is striking a chord!
Thank you all for your various words of wisdom.
I've moved around a lot in my life, up and down the country, here and there, mostly following my ex-husbands dreams, but more recently making a new and lovely life for myself. Last year when I turned 60 it occurred to me that the friends who came to my 40th party were different from the ones at my 50th and once more, a completely new set for my 60th. All were well loved at the time and I grieved over losing them, wondering what it was about me that made them forget me so quickly. (I'm an only child too!)
So when I read the comment about friends being for a reason and of a season, well, it seemed just right! That's exactly what happened.
The friends who have really endured are the ones from my school. All girls together and we still are when we meet up. Last year, to celebrate being 60, we had tea at The Ritz and were on our very best behaviour!!
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