need a friend

Varya, we were caring for my FIL before we moved here (part of the reason I'm not handling stress well) we did get some help through a local charity and we managed to get him into a daycare session for 4 hours a week as well as someone from a local organisation called Crossroads who came and 'babysat' him for a couple of hours. Am sure you have asked around for help but sometimes there is more stuff out there if you know were to ask. Its a miserable business and I really feel for you coping on your own. I almost got to thinking it was contagious! I hope coming in here will give you a bit of a lift, all the best. xx

I think that true friendships have to start from 'somewhere or something'. Having children at the same time as each other, being at school together; friends like that you may not see for years but, when they turn up on your doorstep it's as if you only saw them yesterday and, during the meantime you've always known that they would be there for you in times of need. I did have a couple of good friends several years ago; one in particular was my complete soul mate, we would talk for hours, but then her husband took early retirement and they are together all the time now. I sometimes think that husbands/partners can be wary of their wife having close girlfriends and can put a wedge between such friendships, but perhaps I'm wrong. My ex husband was happy for me to have male or female friends but my partner now seems happy for our social life to include 'me and thee' and no one else. I've found it easier to recognise soul mates on the internet than in the real world; not sure why that is but, as I mentioned earlier maybe it's because I don't feel as if I'm taking up their time and, if I bore them they can just switch me off! I'm the sort of person who, when I phone someone [which I rarely do these days] I will say 'it's only me, I hope I'm not stopping you from watching something on the telly'. Which reminds me, someone on granset mentioned a new Danish series starting on Saturday...must investigate further....

Dear Nuttynana, I have been through all these messages and by my calculations you now have 30 new friends. How's that for starters!!

Vanya
How hard it must be for you. Lots of people are "fair weather" friends it seems and that must be doubly hard but please come on here and have a chat . I have found everyone so lovely and supportive. Will you be another one of my Gransnet friends?

Some people have very old-fashioned views about people with mental health problems. When my daughter was suffering from amphetamine psychosis, some 'friends' withdrew and seemed to believe she was some homicidal maniac. Her sister's sister-in-law flinched when she went to hug her at a family party. (She was a teacher and should have known better).
One of my grand-daughters suffered from childhood epilepsy, and again we found some mothers would not invite her to birthday parties, although her seizures were well under control.
We might have got rid of 'insane asylums' but the attitude of some people remains firmly in the 19th Century.
I don't use the phone much, as I live in another country, but I would be very happy to exchange chatty pm's with anyone who just wants someone to listen to their stories, views, daily activities, etc. Not the same as personal contact, I know, but at least a start, and who knows what might develop?

People can be cliquey either because it is a very well established group that is not in the habit of welcoming in new people (group dynamics - fascinating!)
Or because they are not warm and friendly bunch by nature. I knew a retired couple that moved to Mk from a large village about 30 miles away to be near family. They tried a whole lot of churches and said none of them were welcoming! Funny lot round 'ere.

People can be cliquey either because it is a very well established group that is not in the habit of welcoming in new people (group dynamics - fascinating!)
Or because they are not warm and friendly bunch by nature. I knew a retired couple that moved to Mk from a large village about 30 miles away to be near family. They tried a whole lot of churches and said none of them were welcoming! Funny lot round 'ere.

I live in Cheshire nuttynana which is just a bit too far away for me to invite you for a coffee but I'm sure you will keep on visiting GN now - I know it has made a huge difference to my life.
Varya my sister's husband suffered from vascular dementia for several years and she had the most awful time struggling to cope as most of her friends drifted away. Please keep on coming here, my fellow GNetters are a lovely bunch!

Varya you can join in here and have some fun and great support, too. Chat to you soon, I hope

varya come back and talk to us, we are a friendly bunch and we will try to cheer you up.

Do come back, Varya. There is so much support here, and we laugh too. Sending ((hugs))

Thank you Anagram, Greenmossgiel and Granny Activist for your kind replies. The carers support in monthly and miles away, but its good when you get there. Friends really do not want to know about my situation unfortunately and they certainly do not want to pick up the threads again. I go to an exercise class but do not think the women there want to make friends as they have their own circle and their husbands do not have MH probs. I think I will be back on here again before long to chat with the good people here.

Varya I understand. My OH has health problems, gets very tired and doesn't really want to go anywhere. He's lovely, but quite a bit older than me and it doesn't help that I have no one to go out with myself! (He wouldn't mind). It is true that if you don't get out there you won't meet anyone, but sometimes it's easier said than done when you have no near neighbours and no way of knowing what's actually going on in the nearest town or village. Oh dear, now I sound llike a moaning Minnie!

Varya, this must be awful for you. Just when you need your friends, they have let you down. Have you been able to get any sort of counselling for yourself?

Varya mental health problems are such a blight, not only for the sufferer, but also for those who are carers. I expect you may have already tried, but is there a carers support network/group in your area? Or perhaps you might contact one of your old friends and just honestly explain your situation and see if they were willing to pick up the threads again?
If not, and you're feeling lonely, please come and join in with us here on Gransnet and tell us how you're feeling. It's a great place to just be yourself and say what's on your mind.

Since my husband developed MH problems I no longer have friends. He goes to bed very early and I sit alone at night wishing I still had the friends who withdrew from us. I only speak to the Samaritans now as they seem to be the only people who understand how hard it is to be friendless in this country of ours. Greetings to all those who feel the lack of friends in their lives.

I've been out all day, so only just caught up with GN, and think this thread just sums up so much of what we all find so supportive about it. So many of you sound just like me, and its lovely not to feel that maybe I am a bit 'odd' in finding making new friendships hard.

Best wishes and to all of us!

*nuttynana; will look out for you at NT properties this summer

I am in South Hampshire . I am so relieved to find that it is not just me and that other people have come across unwelcoming or downright unfriendly people--- don't mean glad you have been hurt ! you know what I mean My mother never mixed with anyone outside the home, my father was very domineering so maybe it is something learnt or rather not learnt. I was very very shy when younger but I am much better now. I do have low self eteem though and not being able to make friends makes these feelings worse. But no one likes rejection do they?

I do all the things you are supposed to do like ask "Fancy getting together for a coffee sometime" , appear interested but not nosy, friendly not needy,don't discuss anything controversial etc etc, smile a lot but I just don't have what it takes it seems. Having opened my heart on here has been a relief in many ways and maybe we will all be more sensitive to how others may be feeling underneath.
I would be happy with just 1 friend I have got used to doing things alone and find solace in gardening. I have recently joined the National Trust and so that lone woman you see walking around the houses and gardens may be me. Give me a friendly smile won't you?

Not all U3As and WIs are hierarchical, so it might be where you are nannym and nuttynana that they are OK. I had to move on retirement and knew no-one in new town. One can be choosy about what you do in U3A, and small groups, perhaps "Needlework" where you take you own knitting or sewing and chat as you work means you do meet like minded people (or ones you can make your mind up about!!) Or try joining in as a volunteer driver with your local Link Scheme or Ring & Ride; then you get to meet fascinating people as you drive them to and fro. Do you have a National Women's Register Group near you? I was first a service wife, then a clergy wife and I found an NWR (formerly NHR) near each of the places where I lived. They are a good way in and like minded people who have often been serial movers. Please don't let your patch experience put you off. I weathered that storm and am working my way in here now.

When I read through this thread, one of the comments was about some one trying to help>>>>>>>>>>(HildaW) it reminded me of "Housewife 47" (Victoria Wodd) im sure you will have all watched it at some time, it just rung a bell with your story HildaW
Like other poster have said..sometimes we see people buzing around here there and everywhere but yet they can still be lonely and when you do meet any friends, you have, you think the last thing they want to hear is you moaning and groaning..but a true friend will always be there for you.(thats when you find! that true friend) and always remember
"strangers are friends we havn't yet met"! (from Billy no mates) hmm

It is sad to hear that WIs and U3As have come across as cliquey and unwilling to welcome newcomers - I am happy to say that this has not been my experience. The WI in our village broke away from the main organisation many years ago and is just a group of women who get together and enjoy themselves - I am quite a bit younger than many of them who have been a part of it for years, but they have always welcomed me whenever I have gone along - and it is the same with all the organisations (of which there are lots!!) in this village. This is why we stay put even though we know that the house and the hilliness and isolation of the terrain are not ideal for those getting older. It is a warm community - I do not have any particular bosom buddies, but know lots of people. We do not live in each others' pockets, but I know where to turn if we are in trouble. Everyone helps each other. We are very blessed and it is pure luck.

I hope you find your niche with some friendly people by whatever route nutty - don't aim for bosom buddies - no point setting oneself up to fail - hope you are able to enjoy those friends that you do make.

Just had a thought Nuttynana, Do you knit or do crossstitch as there are many craft related clubs and the people are very keen to chat about their latest project and to hear about yours.

Many years ago I joined what is now The National Women's Register [formerly the Housewives Register] and was made very welcome. I don't go a lot [we meet in members homes] but when I do it's very comfortable. I'm not a very sociable person really which is probably why I've not made close friends but I enjoy meeting up with other women from time to time. In between I have lots of projects on the go which involves contact with other people, my work - although I'm supposedly retired, and of course the grandchildren and so I'm lucky that my life is very full; too full sometimes!

Oh, and where are you, nuttynanna?