This made me laugh.......

I love Jewish humour. Greatnan.

Leo Rosten, the great Jewish writer and authority on Jewish humour, lists as one of the characteristics of Jewish humour, revenge over the oppressor by the use of guile or circumstance. This is such a story:

> Moishe was sitting at the bar, staring at his drink, when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha gonna do about it?"
> Moishe burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"
> "This is the worst day of my life," Moishe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Hundreds, Maggie, but not in French!

C'est tres amusante Greatnan, avez vous d'autres?

Une fille et une mére partent en Angleterre ,
La mere dit a la fille :
Mére : Si un garçon te touche les seins tu dit "don't"
Fille : Ok !
Mére : Et si il te touche plus bas tu dit "stop"
Fille : Ok !

Quelque semaines plus tard la fille avou quelque chose a sa mére :
Fille : Maman je suis enceinte !
Mére : et comment ?
Fille : Bah j'ai dit a un garçon "don't stop" !

I am glad you all seem to enjoy the jokes - I do try not to use some of the more raunchy ones, and to cut out any very explicit language. I also avoid racist jokes, but I think we are all mature enough to find the sexist ones amusing!
I spend (waste) a lot of time choosing them from the hundreds on my expat forums.

Jim sounds just like someone who sits around here all day doing absolutely NOWT!!

I've spent a wonderful time going through this thread - when I should be meeting a deadline. But it's been absolutely worth it. I've had tears streaming down my face. I'm hopeless at jokes but I love reading them

whenim No comment!!!!

Ohhhhhhh dear nightowl. You must really love him!!

Greatnan

Sadly, whenim, I do have a Jim of my own

Greatnan

------------------------------------------------------------------------

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my
husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door. The silence was deafening.

Now
THAT, my friends, is getting even!

Greatnan . If only we all had a Jim of our own.....for shotgun practice, of course!

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, June. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for June to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the 19th hole at the golf club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed..

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support June. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

Oh crikey, thats spoilt the lace panties and the chair I was sitting on

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".
The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought - "That **ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French tw*t again".

Greatnan Yet another winner.

This is not a joke but I'm sure it will amuse some of you Ladies. Check out the reviews on Amazon for "Veet for Men".

The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he made passionate love to her.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the sex resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping, turns his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond, whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian".

2 right.

Take your time, Cari...

CariGransnet That means I'm cleverer than you. My score was a head-swelling one