Sex

Yes fatfairy, empowerment it what it's all about. Self-empowerment......as you have to do it for yourself. Alifen......There are a lot of good books out there. Try Pema Chodran for a Buddhist angle, and the Relate publications, though I found the honesty they encouraged put me in a very uncomfortable place. But am now much less anxious and feeling stronger and in control. We must survive as strongly as possible and take a lot in our stride. Sometimes the strides have to be pretty big. Y0u are surrounded by woman power!

Yikes Speldnan; I think I'd rather join a convent. Makes me tired just thinking about it. Twice a day. Couldn't cope with that when I was 20......

anyone struggling....."come and join my inflatable friends" im sure you have heard about them on my other posts...lol...they don't answer back, the cost nothing to keep. they don't demand anything and come colplete with puncture outfit! when your fed up them pull out the plug and shove back in the drawer lol lol ohhhhhhhhh sorry I am going doo lally...!! am I bovered??
noooooooooooo.....ok goodnight all...chat soon
bikergranSue (yes think I will change my name now)..

I'm 61 and have had a randy toyboy (13 years my junior) for the last 12 years. To start with I couldn't believe my luck as my ex husband was never keen on sex with me and it was all I ever wanted. For the first 5 years or so I really enjoyed it, however....
The toy boy still wants sex twice a day but since the menopause I seem to have lost my sex drive (or maybe I'm just bored with him!). Most of the time I don' t join in with it but what a waste?!!
I actually think it is the lack of romance and the tedium of everyday life that kills a woman's sex drive and doesn't really have much to do with age. He is always saying 'I bet you'd be keen if some other man was interested in you!'. I always deny it but maybe he is right! what do other people think?

I always used to say you spend the first ten years of a relationship finding out all the things you like about someone..and the next thirty all the things you don't like. Once you realise the way someone slurps their tea irritates you there's no going back....

I wonder whether we are genetically programmed for these long monogamous relationships? One only has to look back a century or so to realise that marriages were often short.... women dying in childbirth, men re-marrying once or twice more. Moving on to the early years of the last century, so many men killed in the First World War, their widows living on. How many of our ancestors remained married to the same person for 'life'.....

Do you not find that men are very territorial in homes; even homes that aren't their own?

Good lord, I've been off line for a few days and all sorts has come out!

Alifen - I agree with other comments that say "tell him no". I was always terrified of disagreeing with my husbands (yup, plural) - brought up that way, I reckon. The empowerment when you pluck up courage and do it! and in the event neither of them seemed to be able to do anything but go along with what I said I wanted. Life is so much more satisfactory: give and take is fine so long as both sides are taking both roles. Mind you, I notice I'm voicing my views more and more freely ... empowerment can be addictive.

My partner is in fact my ex (the last one), and we get on so much better now that I live here and he lives there. Nanachrissy, you are so right about the pleasures of living alone - I love it (but yes, I do still get the hugs, and that makes a huge difference). Although I do still look up and down the street occasionally in case a Knight on White Charger/George Clooney/some other terrific hunk happens to be knocking around and at a loose end.

I just think I'm not the living together type, at bottom. Perhaps sex AND my own place is just asking for too much.

Alifen.....I really feel for you. I think you could try to stand back from the situation, talk it through with close friends for a bit of positive feedback. and sit down to write out all the things you love and value about yourself, and which other people appreciate too. I think you need to say "no" in a calm and rational manner. Separate bedrooms can make things much easier, once you work through the initial anxiety. A good night's sleep, without having a tense anticipatory body is wonderful. "Grace under Pressure" is useful, as is not showing anger, and using all sorts of valid reasons not to be in the same space! I think I know understand why so many women used to spend inordinate lenghths of time in the kitchen! Maybe thay's why vast amounts of baking got done! Take care of yourself!

Hear,hear Nanachrissy!

I often wonder too what life would be like with the right man. It does get lonely sometimes, and to have someone to share things with, good or bad, and to have a hug, are what I miss most. However I do think that the good things about living alone outweigh the bad for me. Better to be alone than with the wrong person!

That's the problem; having two people with different needs who compromise, and are happy about doing so. If not, there will always be resentment, and that will spill over into other aspects of the marriage. As I once read 'a good sex life is 10% of a happy marriage, but a bad sex life is 90% of an unhappy one'. It's oh so true.

Alifen I'm sorry for your situation and like others here wonder why you ut up with it but i imagine its more complex than that. I am very lucky I still fancy my husband after 33 years and we are Ok in that department . I had to accept that it was always going to be a safe married sex in bed usually once a week in the mornings. Once I had accepted it would not be any more exciting than that we were fine.

OH Acheron,not so much of the "oldies" you're as old as you feel or the person you're feeling,keeping a young out look certainly helps in the bedroom
dept.(all said in jest)

This thread was so interesting. To find out what other "oldies" think about sex - or lack of sex. I like sex. It's great. I just don't fancy sex with the husband. I love him dearly but I don't fancy him any more.

Alifen - that's sad. WHY are you putting yourself through this? Do you absolutely have to? After 25 years my husband and I had totally lost interest in each other, and , inevitably in sex. We divorced and 15 years on are on reasonably friendly terms for our children and grandchildren. Meantime, I had a great relationship where we kept our own homes but shared weekends, holidays etc etc. It ended after 10 years but was well worth having. He was becoming too possessive and suggesting marriage. Ex-husband has happily re-married and I am enjoying being independent and am not actively looking for another man. However if the right man comes along I am quite prepared to give it a go although I'd still be very reluctant to share a home. All I'm saying really is that misery is NOT inevitable

Alifen.... just say no! If that doesn't work, move into the spare room! I'm inclined to think that if you say no and then he 'proceeds'....surely that is a form of rape! Tell him what you really think/want too.
Chaste hugs, OGM.

How miserable for you Alifen,what a differance it would make to have a DH
who was in tune with your feelings,my DH has alway's put my feelings first
and has been considerate and loving throughout our marriage,that is not to say we have not had some right humdingers of arguments we have,but the making up is great.

Alifen, I can't tell you how sad your post made me feel. I don't know what to say, except that you surely deserve far better.

Alifen; do you often wonder what life would have been like if you'd been married to someone else? I'm only saying this, because it's something I was thinking about this morning [before I read your post]. I wouldn't wish away my children, but I do wonder how different my life [and me] would have been had I met someone else. Alas, the marriage didn't work anyway, but I was always looking at my friends marriages and wondering why I felt so lonely.

Dont want it...no interest or longings...but then it has never been important to me.
Sadly I have an emotionless husband..(us both in mid fifties) who looks upon it as a bodily function, like passing wind or blowing the nose...(always has..perhaps thats why I have never been over enamoured of it all!)...and who demands it whether I want, need or agree.

Gosh..I am so pleased to read that some of you enjoy still!

I would be happy to have a kind word or a hug...

Has anyone seen a sex therapist - remember Dr Ruth - priceless

Thanks Elizabethjoan, I've just made the arrangements for a naughty cuddly night tonight, nice meal,then tomorrow after a cooked breakfast and a long walk (weather permitting) I will wave him goodbye! Everyone is happy!

Ojh gawd - I can't believe I posted that....

I've got a randy husband, but sometimes I do get a morning off, when I have to leave early for U3A.