No Excuse for Abuse

My poor sister was a victim of abuse, her husband would smack her about, at one point my Mum wanted to do the same to her him.

She did not leave him, she got him help in the form of anger management, it did help but he still always had a scarey temper. It wasnt happening on a regular basis it would happen two or three times a year and the more stress he had the more it would happen.

I nearly witnessed it once, as I pulled up he had justfinished laying into her, I felt sooo helpless and must admit to wanting to deck him.

He has passed now and she has moved on and is with quite a good guy now.

That's good to know, I got involved with my group as I was a victim of DV myself, and it can take many years to heal properly. In Dorset we run the Freedom Programme, which is brilliant , as it helps victims identify behaviours which can be indicators, and also teaches coping and pattern changing skills.

I am sorry to hear that you were a victim, it is the worse type of humilliation and am glad you are no longer a victim and good for you for running The Freedom Programme a very apt tittle if I may say so.

I think there are Freedom Programmes running in most areas. I know we have several in Suffolk. Hope that helps somebody out there.

In the council estate where I grew up, there was a woman up the street, Mrs V, with loads of kids, and she got belted regularly by her big drunken coal-miner husband. She looked terrible, lumpy with long straggly greasy brown hair and no teeth.

We moved away, and one day I was walking out with Mum when we bumped into this pert woman in her 40s, with short blonde hair, lovely teeth, and a cheerful attitude. She and Mum talked, and after we left, I asked Mum who it was. She was surprised I didn't recognise Mrs V. I could not believe it - apparently the booze had given him an early grave, and freedom for Mrs V.

Nowadays, of course, she could have left him much earlier instead of having to wait for him to die. But in the 1950s things were different. Sure, his cruelty gave her grounds for divorce, but this was impossible with no women's shelters and no money to finance leaving him.

I love that story. What a happy outcome.

What a really good outcome and a very brave lady.

The sad thing is that so many victims of abuse do not seek help because they do not want to admit to themselves what is happening. This is particularly the case with older people who are being abused by family members.

When I worked with the elderly I knew and spoke to one couple who still had an adult son living with them who terrorised them. Their situation was known to the police and social services but they would not make any complaint because that meant facing up to the fact that their 'beloved' son was criminally violent and probably also mentally ill. They were sure that if he would have some counselling (which he wouldnt) and could get a job all would be well. They were offered alternative accommodation and help with moving but refused to move because they remained convinced that eventually all would work out well.

I do not know what happened because the charity I worked for closed the case, knowing there was continuing police and social services involvement, there was little more we could do.

This was the worst case I dealt with but in other cases where there was financial abuse, older people could not face up the fact that a much loved son or grandson was stealing their money or using their bank and credit cards for their own use.

That is not unusual Flickety. I also have heard of teenagers using the home of a man with mild learning difficuties as a truancy bolt holt and scrounging from him etc. But he liked the company and would never press charges. Its very difficult for any one to act on his behalf unless he made a complaint or could be deemed to be unable to make a competent decision about his situation.

I had met a woman who as joan described had an abusive and alcoholic husband, and sons with difficulties. She always looked very tired unkempt and depressed. Then not having seen her for sometime she arrived in the office one day looking a completely different woman, neatly dressed and clearly had begun to look after herself. I commented on how well she looked and she told me she had dumped her other half and had counsellng for herself and had transformed into a confident and much happier woman.