Guilt at feelings of resentment

MawsRosie

Paw was not unlike that in his last year of life - at the time I admit I felt resentment. Now I realise that the cumulative effects of his health sapped him of the energy to do more than survive one day to the next.
Retirement project?
What’s that?
I was far from saintly and still feel massive guilt that I often seethed inwardly.
And yes, you did sign up for it if you promised to love and care for him in sickness and in health, for better for worse etc.

Your words often seem to resonate with me. I have an enormous amount of guilt that I should have been a better carer to my DH. I was so often impatient when I shouldn't have been and yes I did feel some resentment although I fought hard against it. He was ill for a long time and went down hill so gradually that I didn't realise how ill he had become and when he went in for his final heart op he did not survive. It took all his strength to get up, showered and dressed and then could do not much else, such a struggle for him yet ever a word of complaint.Such a shock, never dreamt he wouldn't survive as he'd survived so many other procedures.

We all get frustrated and at the end of our tether , this heat is not helping, I bet most of us recognise ourselves in what you have written.
My DH can moan for a Olympic Gold medal regarding the weather, too hot then in the winter it's too cold and can't stand the wind as it makes unbalanced , he was always a cup half empty person before his stroke but it has certainly come onto its own since. Yes everyone will say how well they look, while you look frazzled🙄

Sometimes I have found it helps to react as you would to a small importunate child.

If he asks for something you know is in a bag you haven't got round to, say, "I have not got round to the bag it is in yet, dear. You go and sit down, (or whatever else you can suggest ) and I will bring it when I find it".

If he just stands there, tell him not to.

You need to find what works for you both,

Can you find someone who can come in and be with your husband for a couple of hours or so, once or twice a week, so you have "time off" and can rest, go out etc.?

Yes, this is sadly, what both signed up for in a marriage, and what one spouse has to fulfill unless the other just drops dead with no warning. I doubt that is better than what you are going through, and what I went through.

Having a free time, or , or preferably and a support group or person, so you can let off steam does help.

And if you are offered help, please do take it, even if you feel you don't or shouldn't need it. Tiring yourself out will only make everything harder.

Winterwhite, you have my understanding - we carers are not perfect, of course we are resentful ! My DH has Alzheimers and spends ages staring at clouds. If we attend a family gathering people say " G is on top form " people with dementia mask extremely well - including those with mild dementia. Intelligent people with dementia are experts at hoodwinking others. Behind closed doors it is a very different story ! My DH seens oblivious to his confusion 😕, this of course causes relationship problems. Very difficult after over 50 years of marriage!
You say he has mild Alzheimers, please bear in mind that dementia is very subtle and creeps up slowly but creep up it will ! My DH is now having false beliefs , he told our son a complex story regarding a neighbour of ours saying our neighbour has cancer ! completely untrue ! My neighbour is a good friend and would have told me. Her husband is incapacitated at the moment due to orthopaedic surgery- not cancer. Our son of course believed his father !
My DH behaves out of character, only small issues and only I witness them - being a carer is a lonely job .
I manage by having me time away from home - so important and while I can leave him alone I do . I also ensure we get out together too! My DH has other false beliefs that I wont go in to. I simply say " Mmmm " and walk away before I explode. That is necessary because nothing I say makes a scrap of difference! He is incapable of reasoning.
Hang in there! Does your DH have a diagnosis of Alzheimers? Alzheimers is Alzheimers ' mild ' or not , you must find time for yourself. 💐🌸

I think some respite might be worth looking into.

Your feelings are your feelings and totally alright.

winterwhite we had carers for my (lovely) mother-in-law for the last 5 months of her life.
She was quite "with it" mostly but had heart failure and so often very tired and eventually, distant.

The point was thatlegally they had to have two hours a day off.
It was considered unhealthy to not have a break.

I know, from the short time we lived with her how much we needed it - and there wete two of us.

Private card got 2 hours (depending where you live) will be from about £76 for an agency - but there may be someone locally who is private.

Just a few hours a week to recharge your emotional and physical batteries would make a big difference I think...

At least you will have something to look forward to.

By the way. My mother-in-law was very happy with her part-time "relief" carers who would ofen sit and chat to her and/or maybe get on with a few jobs in that little visit.
They would often go out with her for a little while.
She would often ask who was coming when and did actually like a bit of a change.

Win win.

What a mess. Sorry note to self - re-read before you post!

Private care for 2 hours (depending where you live) will be from about £76 if organised through a care agency - but there may be someone locally who is self employed.

Thinking of you.

nobody should feel guilty of how they feel. Caring for a loved can be hard work and it is knackering.

Being honest about how you feel isn't a sin.

I think people overlook the invisible worry carers have to contend with too. It's all consuming when you are dedicated to someone

No paragon of virtue here - I got quite exasperated with my late OH when he was long term ill.

I fully understood why he was behaving as he was and how difficult life was for him, but I often had to bite my tongue, or go away and have a bit of a weep.

It is not just that being a carer is hard; it is also that the person who normally cares for you and is your life's partner has stepped out of that role - so, two losses on the go. Your life is taken up with everything - being a carer as well as doing all the things that were once shared out between you - and there is no-one by your side any more, or at least not in the way they were.

One of the things I did -and I had the support of my family in this - was to ringfence time to be me. I ran a choir and sang in another and that virtually did not stop at all during the difficult latter years. I knew that these things were like breathing for me and to lose them would be disastrous and sap my ability to on in my caring role. I would return feeling refreshed and with more to give. When no family were available, I paid a friend who worked as a carer to be with him.

Please please do not feel guilty. You are human. Resentment is a normal human emotion and however much you understand that he cannot help being as he is it is normal to feel this - you do not resent him, you resent the hand that fate has dealt you both - it is not always easy to disentangle the two, because fate is hiding somewhere whereas he is right in front of you, driving you nuts!

Towards the end of my OH's life, as well as being immobile and incontinent, he was totally insane - he thought I was trying to kill him and that there was a machine in the corner of the room that someone would feed him into and mince him up - it was indescribably grim and required so much patience - sometimes far more than I could muster. It is so hard to feel impatient when you can see someone in such distress. But none of us are saints - definitely not me!

One thing that helped me through was the outlet of Gransnet - so many kind people here who propped me up on the bad days - and this meant I was not moaning to my family who were themselves suffering too.

Please do not beat yourself up - you can only do what you can do and you are absolutely allowed to feel what you feel.

Please look after yourself.

Please be kind to yourself. Get as much help that you can afford, get family to help if you can. I cared for my husband for twenty years, it wasn’t easy but now he has passed I miss him terribly and though I wouldn’t wish him back as he was ,I am so grateful for our time together.

You’re definitely not alone. A few years on since my DH’s death, I still feel such guilt that, though I wasn’t unkind, it was very hard at times to actually be kind and loving. He had Parkinson’s and Lewy Body dementia. He suffered from delusions, causing him to be very irrational, and both physically and verbally abusive. I didn’t share much of this with family and friends, as I didn’t want them to feel badly about him. Latterly, he was in a nursing home, and I still have to remind myself that, as well as being because it was no longer possible for him to to be cared for by one person alone, it was also for my safety. It’s okay for us to feel a bit sorry for ourselves when things are hard. Do accept help when possible though.