Fulfilling my mum's expectations

Thanks everyone for your suggestions and kindness. Yes I have three children; one with mental health issues, one in hospitality, the other in London. So not much availablity to help out.
I am lucky that I have my mum is well, sharp as a pin and can look forward to another few years yet but she is unwilling to accept help from others except from myself now she is requesting two days a week.

Still

I had thought about taking her out to Stratford upon Avon for lunch then calling into Tesco's on the way back but she said she wants to keep them separate. Online shopping was a no go from her point of view too

Do you actually take her shopping, if not then what's the difference!

If you don't take her, you could also be a bit clever and get the online shopping delivered to the boot of your car on the day you usually go!

i echo georgesgran.

I’ve got to add that my DF was a wonderful, easy going man. Sharp as a tack (almost) ‘til he was 96 and so appreciative of whatever anyone did for him. His DGDs adored him and we still miss him.

I do sympathise. Extreme old age is so trying, for the person and for their loved ones. You mention grandchildren, so you must have at least one child! Do they live near enough to take some of the burden and spend a little time with their granny on a regular basis? It does seem as if you're finding it difficult to cope, and your mother would surely be glad to see them.
My DM died "while she was still alive" at 85. I miss her every day (specially since my DH died). She was sad to leave us, but she'd had to work hard to lead a normal life by then, with various ailments. I think we were both lucky.

Still. I could have written this. My mum is 91 quite frail though and very lonely. I feel so very guilty, I visit twice a week doing her shopping before I visit and I when its time to go she always asks me not to leave it’s truly awful.
I’m always upset but like someone said whatever I do it’s never enough. Her memory is so poor now she can’t remember the last visit.
I can’t take her out shopping because she can’t walk enough and she refuses a wheelchair. I bring her to my house occasionally, but she always wants extended family there too and it’s not always possible.
It’s not easy. I haven’t got any answers for you but you have my sympathy. As they get older they only seem to want their loved ones. Mine hasn’t any friends or visitors apart from me and the carers ? but apparently they don’t count.

I feel as if I’m going against the grain here - perhaps only child syndrome?
I had a busy life - DH working away, children at school with me doing a 50ml round trip, a kennel full of dogs to see to and a big commitment to a voluntary organisation. However, as my DM’s health worsened, I rearranged things to spend every Tuesday with her, so my DF could get out of the house, as he was her carer and she was house/bed bound.
Years later, as my DF needed help, I did whatever I could to make his final years easier - going every evening with shopping or just to sit and do the crossword with him. I didn’t find a day a week/fortnight to take him out demanding and I hope we enjoyed each other’s company on those precious days. By this time DH was retired and fully understood my desire to help out and would come along to mow DF’s grass.

I had thought about taking her out to Stratford upon Avon for lunch then calling into Tesco's on the way back but she said she wants to keep them separate. Online shopping was a no go from her point of view too

Yes clearing the air will be good for us both. Last year we had a similar discussion but perhaps it's time to revisit. Unfortunately mum doesn't want to join in other activities with residents or church/social clubs but is looking for me to take her out on day trips out once a week.

My mum struggled when she had to move down south to be near to me, it's taken a year, she's doing ok but wants me to go more often. I could do that, but am getting increasingly agoraphobic, and just don't WANT to go out! On the other hand, I am very socially isolated and depressed, but am now scared to do anything on my own. My life is basically online! My own fault, I know, but I don't know how to end the rot .... problem is, when you don't do anything, you don't have anything to talk about either, so any friends you did have, gradually drop off.

Regarding the shopping, why not do an online shop which would give you a little more time to devote to other things?

I wonder why she thinks she needs to 'clear the air' with you? Take the grandkids with you if possible maybe and kill 2 birds with one stone?

You probably need to have the talk so that you actually know what she wants/needs?

Good advice from Patsy. Try not to worry, 'clearing the air' will give you the opportunity to let your mum know what you can and can't do, so it may be good for both of you.

Oh dear, in my experience no matter how much you do, no matter the love between you, you will always feel guilty, feel you are not doing enough - when you clearly are. You are not your Mum’s entertainer. She is safe and well and you can’t stress yourself out trying to split yourself into too many parts. You have your own family and they come first. Have a word with yourself, make yourself understand that you already have plenty on your plate, and you are already doing a lot for your Mum, and then tell your Mum. Could your husband back you up? Is there some sort of social coordinator where your Mum lives who might arrange for her to join in more activities? I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but I’ve been there and you will just end up stressed out and unable to cope with any of it.

See what she has to say before worrying, as it might be something quite simple that you can accommodate. There may be other activities available to her.