Being a carer... it’s so tough

You are showing incredible loyalty and kindness and demonstrating great restraint. Caring under these circumstances is the hardest job in the world - I absolutely salute you. Be kind to yourself whenever you can.

It is awful that you have to do it all ! I had carers to help , she didn’t live with us but my OH brought her to our house cos her daughter couldn’t cope . Maybe it is harder to get carers now with Covid-19

Why do you do it? Why isn’t your husband doing it?

Well in my opinion you shouldn’t be doing so much.
Does she live with you and your husband?
I had to do all that for my H who I loved and it was incredibly hard and he wasn’t awkward or unpleasant with it.
I was just worn out.
Do you have carers in to share the load?
I had carers in just once a day to shower and dress him in the morning, I managed on my own until it came to getting up several times in the night.
I then had to make the dreadful decision that he had to go into care.
By then I was 81 and my own health was suffering badly.
Is there no other family to help?
Do not be a martyr and make your H see it is all too much for you,
You will not be appreciated any more I can assure you,

NannyKat:

'I know I should just get on with it'

Well, I wouldn't do it - not for anyone. You're not a slave. She should have paid carers - and you should have a life!

Annsixty she is living with us. At the moment she is able to wash herself ( only just) and she can dress herself too. I don’t have any other carers to help yet, I don’t feel that I need them right now, but in the future I know I will. I am very capable but tonight I just got fed up.. it’s so good to have a forum to let off some steam.. I’m no saint or martyr, I’m just doing my duty the way I was brought up. I’ve had good support from Alzheimer’s society and some help from Social Service.. but having this experience for the first time is quite a shock.. some days I laugh about the strange things that she says and does... other times I have to go for a walk to calm myself..
Thank you for reading my concerns.. it helps

Thank you Nellg... that’s makes me feel my strength will prevail

NannyKat. Thank -you- for sharing this. At the moment...well, really for the last few years, I've been an unpaid carer to my much loved partner who has cancer and has recently undergone open heart surgery. He's understandably bad tempered, frustrated and frustrating. He's bloody hard work. I get no help either.

Sometimes I feel so guilty, tired and angry that this 'is my lot' in life. It's a very lonely place to be. He doesn't thank me but will profusely thank anyone else that does (to my reckoning) the smallest thing for him.

There are lots of carer support groups online, people like us who are doing a seemingly thankless, endless task. Just ranting off on one of them to others who know exactly where you're coming from, is very therapeutic. If you want to rant to someone who knows exactly where you're coming from, please PM me!

Carers are vastly underrated, I do hope you’re able to get some respite. x

Please look on carers uk and see if you have a local group
Carers shouldn't feel alone

I am in a similar position with a much loved husband with Parkinson’s who is no longer aware of how much has to be done for him and how very little he is now capable of and who, if an idea passes through his mind, wants to act on it immediately no matter what I may be doing. I finish each day frustrated and cross and guilty that I am often so short with him., and probably make things harder for myself by trying to maintain reasonable domestic standards.

All this is made worse by the lack of any social contact just at present and so I too feel unappreciated though at least DH is much nicer than I am. You have my sympathy, NannyKat, and it does sound as though you need some carer support, though how you can access that just now is another question.

www.carersuk.org/

Please all look on here. I am involved in my local branch but there is so much advice, support x

www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/local-support
if you scroll down you put in your local area/county and brings up different organisations connected to carers uk too and those that would suit you

As the others have said get some careers in now, before you need them as it will take a while, if your MIL is anything like mine she will send them away with a flea in their ear. One day they sent for the Paramedics because they thought she was in a coma, she wasn’t, she was playing dead. So, get some help.
TBH unless your DH is at work it’s about time he pulled his weight, unless he’s doing all of your cooking,cleaning, washing, shopping etc. dont let him get away with letting you do everything.

It is hard enough caring for someone you love especially someone with dementia, but your situation is different because it’s not your mum and you say you aren’t close.
I think your husband should be more involved in her care. She manages personal care herself at present so he would not need to do that and when that becomes necessary suggest carers are involved.
When your mother in law’s dementia progresses and she can’t manage personal care suggest if you haven’t done so already that your husband contact social services for advice and support.
It’s frustrating and difficult but her behaviour is due to her condition.
I looked after my mum and she could be very difficult at times but that’s Alzheimer’s. It’s cruel.
You are doing well it’s hard work. Is there anyone else who might help? Don’t turn down any offers and Talk to your husband, and this is important, look after yourself.
Your mother in law is lucky to have you.

Nannykat and all carers

Is it really not possible for your husband to do his fair share? Can you arrange to meet up with a friend to go for a walk?Then tell him you are going- maybe leave instructions the first time, he’ll soon get the hang of it. It’s in no-ones interests, especially yours, to let things carry on like this by facilitating his selfish behaviour. If you suddenly became ill, or incapacitated, you’d all then just have an emergency on your hands and then what? It’s one thing if there’s only one adult to take on the caring role as in some examples above but there’s two adults here and he’s being selfish.

Amberspyglass

You nailed it.

"I got very frustrated tonight and am cross with my husband who keeps saying ‘you should just accept how it is’ he does not do much for his mother except giving her medication each day.. I spend 24/7 with her."
OP,
Let your husband take care of his own mother 24/7 for a week and then let's see how "he is going to accept it for how it is" (clue: he won't at all)

You say you do it because you love your husband but he clearly does not appreciate it.
Your mil does not appreciate it either.

So why do you really do it?

Dear NannyKat,
It is so difficult. 2 times in my life I've lead the life of a carer. We both found our lives shrinking - rushed trips to the supermarket were the only respite.
Consider the other ideas above if they suit.
All I can offer is empathy. Tomorrow's another day. ?

I don’t think I would do it if it was my mil. I’d do it for my husband or perhaps one of my own parents but not for an in law. It is not fair on you. When you can get out I would go on a 2 week holiday leaving your husband in charge, have a nice break . Either that or put her in respite care for a couple of weeks, surely that would be available in your circumstances ? I would explain the situation to your G.P. and really tell the truth and lay it on because they won’t want you to crack up, it wouldn’t help anyone.

it is a progressive disease, so she will need more and more care.
you say you do it out of love for your husband.
so what is he doing out of love for you.
would he look after your father/brother in a similar situation if you had one.
it really sounds unbalanced at the moment.
no wonder you get cross, and feel worn out.
there is no merit in being a martyr.

Please ask Social Services for a Carer's Assessment if you haven't had one.

You have all my sympathy, NannyKat - I know from (far too much) experience just how stressful and exhausting it can be, looking after someone with dementia.

You don’t say whether your husband is still working or retired, but IMO in any case it’s unfair of him to expect you to take so much of the load. You really do need a proper break now and then. Do please think about going away for a maybe a weekend, and let him cope 24/7 for a bit - that might open his eyes to what he’s expecting of you.
And don’t feel bad or guilty about it!!