Unbearable grief compounded by our adult children’s reactions

I am so sorry to hear this because it is a massive disappointment when adult kids do not step up to help.

My sister in law adored her two kids and grandkids and helped them out so much both financially and practically and emotionally. She had cancer and was very ill and frail the last few months and neither of them supported her in any way. I vividly remember her saying to her husband not long before she died “you do realise when one of us goes we will be on our own”. She had finally got the measure of them.

She was correct and my BIL rarely sees them and can go months without even a phonecall or a text. He is very upset but we try to support him although we live 3 hours away. Their kids live about 1 and 1.5 hrs away.

I don’t know how to advise you but hopefully someone will.

PS. My BIL could have written your last paragraph! This is exactly what he says. He tries to keep busy with walking group, petanque, seeing old rugby mates, dog walking etc but he says the majority of people in similar situations are really fortunate that their kids involve them in their lives. I have to say he was a great Dad to them.

Our children do disappoint us and we carry that burden inside because we are ashamed of their actions. So sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry .

I'd be re-writing my Will.

butterandjam

I'm so sorry .

I'd be re-writing my Will.

So would I.

I am so sorry OP. No advice just sympathy.

I'm so sorry to hear this. They may mistakenly think that since the health crisis is over, the grieving can be done quietly on one's own.

Can you phone your sons when you need assistance with paperwork, legal documents or house maintenance questions? They may not need to be physically there, but may be a good source of help for you. I know the administration side of death can be overwhelming. In their way they can assist where possible.

A friend lost her dear husband a few years ago, their children were all adult. She was grieving of course, but what made it worse was that one of her daughters was always putting rather overblown weepy stuff on Facebook etc ( her words not mine), generally making it all about herself, and a bit fake. I guess we all grieve differently.

I think men react quite badly to bereavement, sometimes with denial, sometimes with anger. Which doesn’t excuse your daughter’s reaction, though. When my (now ex) husband’s father died it almost ended our marriage at the time and something similar happened with my daughter and her husband. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this and, as HelterSkelter said, can only offer my sympathy x

I was so sorry to read your post FrodosJourney.

When we were estranged by our youngest son more than 13.5 years ago, we were too ashamed to share what was happening with friends because like you, we thought it must have happened because we're bad parents.

What I've found over the years is that there are many trying to deal with difficult family situations and when I talked about ours, they felt able to talk about their own.

Often the public face that's presented to us by others is the mask they wear to hide what's really going on.

Have you thought about bereavement counselling as this may help you to deal not only with your own grief but understand and eventually accept your adult children's reaction.

Citizens Advice maybe able to give you some contacts that will help with the paper work that's overwhelming you and if your friends are made aware of how things are with your children, they maybe able to help and support you with this too.

My sincere condolences for your loss which must be so much harder to bare without the support you thought you'd be getting from your children .

So very sorry Frodos, you can’t change them only how you handle this, you are grieving but every day gradually the paperwork will get done. I know how you feel and its horrible, my daughter estranged me but you will eventually make a different life for yourself.. It is early days. When you feel a bit stronger plan a holiday and go and gather your thoughts. You must think about what you want the next twenty years to be like and do it. You must be exhausted, just be kind to yourself. If you need help with the paperwork and feel overwhelmed do as Smile less says.

I can hear your pain. I am so sorry that things have turned out this way, but so pleased your son popped in ..... I wonder if he knows how much this meant to you. Take care.

I'm sorry your children aren't supporting you more, Frodos. Have you talked to them and asked if they can call once a week? They may think you are okay with your friends and don't need it, trying to continue on with things just as they were before, or just not be very insightful as to what this kind of loss means for you. Their approach to their father's death may be to get back to their busy lives as a way of distracting themselves. Not very thoughtful of them, but not everyone is intuitively able to see what someone else might need.

I wouldn't read too much into what people say about their own supportive children. People tend to cherry pick what they share and it might not be quite the image of support that they are sharing.

Sometimes, especially after a long illness, I think there is a sort-of relief in with the grief.

I think it can be a release to close off that bit of your life (the looking after/ caring side), for a while.

I think I was pretty selfish after my mum died. I was emotionally wrung out and relieved that I didn't need to just keep on going on.

I personally think, in time, things will level out - I am not that person now and have genuine remorse about it. While you wait for them to recover - please be kind to yourself.