Two years and still heartbroken

Thankyou Doodle I too have lost a lot of confidence even making telrphone calls my heart races pounding in my ears. A couple of times I have arramged to go out but havent managed it. Its too stressful i was my DH carer for 4 years was at home a lot of time going out was difficult for him he had lost his sight amongst other things, we were happy we were together thats all that mattered to us happy in our own company we loved being together. I have his ashes at home which is what we wanted but i worry when im out about him being alone . I was with him i guess constantly never apart my mum used to say we were joined at the hip .Old habits die hard i guess. Im heartbroken i miss him so much if tears could build a stairway and memories a lane i would walk the road to heaven and bring him home again. I LOVE HIM SO VERY MUCH XXXX

That is a truly beautifully moving poem.

What a beautiful poem Greyduster. So positive but full of emotion.It is so kind of you to share it. I’m sure it will be so helpful to many.

The year after DH died, I wrote this poem:

“They Cancelled Spring

They cancelled Spring last year
For you weren’t here.
And Summer too without you
Held no cheer.

In Autumn woods, where once we laughed
And tried to catch the falling leaves,
The trees were silent
But the leaves whispered
“Who will catch us
Now we have no hand of yours to fall upon?”
And I said “And who will catch me when I fall
Now that your arms are gone?”

But this year, though I miss you sore, the seasons
Show you to me in many a lovely thing.
Your favourite flowers growing in the Spring.
In Summer’s promise of beach and rock pool,
Heather hill and limestone dale
That were so dear to you.

And in Autumn, I will go to woods and try and catch the leaves.
Not as one who grieves, but in the sheer joy of remembering
All the silly things we used to do.
In those memories, you will be close, I know,
And I’ll find strength anew.”

You will find strength anew. You have to believe that.

I read something last night that resonated strongly with me.

“I will not see my grief through the lens of those who have never felt it”

I would never give advice to someone who had lost a child. It is the worst thing I can imagine and I have no knowledge of such grief.

Losing a parent or sibling is in no way at all anything like the loss of a lifelong loving husband/wife.

I too have lost mother, father and brother but the grief at losing them was like a small wave compared with the tsunami of grief I felt at the loss of my darling man.

Mystyeyes you are not wallowing you are grieving and we all do it it our own way. I have made a great effort to go out and do things. Join clubs, meet people. My life is very busy and I have laughter and friendship in my life but there isn’t a second of that time when my lovely man isn’t lurking in my thoughts.

Like others have said I do encourage you to try and get out of the house and meet people. I met my DH when I was 16 and we were together 57years. I too had never lived on my own.
My confidence has gone and I’m so lonely for him. My rock
After two years I have finally started to read books again. It’s taken me this long to be able to concentrate enough to do so.

Please take care of yourself and try and meet people. Over time it helps.

When my sister, in her mid-40s, died in a road accident the grief I felt was so agonising, yet I wanted it to go on forever, I hated the thought that one day my pain at her death would be softened, that I would not feel as I did in the immediate weeks after her death. I felt she was so dear she deserved to be agonisingly mourned forever.

But only a few days told me that this was irrational and as weeks went by, small blessings came into my life, DS getting into the university of his choice. DD doing well in GCSEs, flowers in my garden, walking through woodland crying my eyes out.

You are only 15 weeks into your loss, of course you feel as you do, but at sometime you need to face up to the fact that life cannot continue like this. That your DH would probably be deeply saddened that his death was bringing you so much misery.

Currently you seem to be almost wallowing in your grief. The day must come when you realise, like I did, that I could not live with agonising forever and I need to readjust to normal life.

Set yourself a date, may be in a few weeks time when you will spend 10 minutes doing something else and doing your best to concentrate on it. Read a book or magazine you love, while curled up with a cup of tea and a biscuit, and slowly over the months, extend that time, or do something similar

Seek help from your doctor or surgery nurse and consider a course of counselling Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). It works on the principle that your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, and actions are deeply connected. By changing how you think about situations, you can alter how you feel and behave.

There is also an NHS information sheet on it ['www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/]]

Right now i dont think any thoughts that dont include my DH exist he is constantly with me i cant seperate anything been my life 57 years and 18 wks since he passed each day longer and more painful than the one before my every thought is of him . He was a wonderful man with a heart of pure gold, he held me together his love and loyalty unending his very presence made me feel loved and safe. Now im floundering, thrashing about with no sense of direction, no purpose no point like so many he was my whole world, my life just cant focus. Cant eat, sleep go out or anything just want him back i love him so much. Been with him since i was 17 never been alone dont know how to be. My thoughts with everyone on this hellish journey.xx

Grieve is love with nowhere to go. Your person is no longer there. You will learn to live with that but you will be a different person and you will grieve your way. That is fine. Don’t let anyone else’s agenda tell you how to feel. Hope you find peace in happy memories

Mobility issues prevent me going out alone falling is aproblem as I am unable to get up unaided. Thankyou for the hug Doodle.

Mystyeyes11

You do not know about real loss because it only occurs when you have loved someone more than you love yourself.

No one has the right to make a statement like that. Relationships of all kinds are complex and work in deep and complex ways. Generalisations are dangerous.

Mystyeyes i can remember when people used to say to me “it’s early days yet”. Thing is it really is. I cried every day for at least a year, sometimes a few tears other times waiting and sobbing. You are not alone in this. I too experienced all the things you are saying. It is so raw and you’re still going over and over all that happened all the time.
Like you, my DH and I meant everything to each other. Spent every second we could with each other. He was and is my everything. I have cried today. I miss him so much.
I also have felt like I don’t want to go on, nothing in life matters anymore. Is this all that there is left for me now. I think all those who had the close relationship like us feel like that.
Somehow you have to find a way through. I think, from what you’ve said, you have family. They won’t be able to cope with you being so down all the time. It’s a sad fact but it’s hard to be with someone whose miserable when there is nothing you can do about it,
You seem to dismiss out of hand counselling and medication. It can help. I’ve had both and it made a difference. I’ve also found some things to join where I meet people and believe me you do need to get out of the house and meet up with others, Having company, especially with others who’ve been bereaved does help.
Please don’t give up in yourself, try and find just one thing to do a week where you meet people. We are all here rooting for you. Big hug 💕💕

16 and a half weeks now tears, tears and more tears, im so lonely for my DH company, still struggling with everyday things dont even bother to open the curtains, no point to any of it. I spend a lot of time sitting where he used to sit constantly crying. So many unanswered questions i need him to answer, i yearn so much for his presence longing to hold his hand to see his smile its all i can do not to scream the house down. Each day is harder than the one before. I struggle to do the most basic of things the house is falling apart round me i look at it and think why bother instead I sit and cry more. Im a stubborn person wont do what family want me too counselling not for me neither is medication so they leave me with it.my DH and I were so close I doubt if I shall get beyond this he was my one and only. Thr only man for me. Thinking of all who are struggling take care

Mystyeyes11 you will cry until your eyes sting and your chest hurts. My eyes felt sore for days . But its all because of love . You think you can't possibly cry anymore then you do it feels like you won't ever stop. And then you don't want to stop. This is just my experience I began to feel if I didn't cry that meant I didn't miss him . Which I realised was wrong . I was half a person ,I didn't live I just existed, my home was just a house. He was my home . I am still half a person and always will be but I am doing what he wanted me to do.
It's only been weeks for you and others months or less than 10 years .
When the children left home I had 13 years with no back up both parents and mother in law to look after . My own health getting worse but they needed me. I don't abandon people even my mother in law who I hated for 40 years.

I still can't stand the empty half of the bed and still sleep on my side. In the early days,weeks,months and years I would wake on his side of the bed. And it would hit me again it would always be empty. But at 6.30pm I would hear him fall through the front door drop his briefcase and shout me . I hurt him until I left the house . But I wasn't unhappy about leaving.
My husband had been dead for 15 years when I moved .

I have my lovely bungalow more friends than I ever had . Doing things I never thought I would. Brilliant health. My daughter and famiky live near by .
My son decided to estrange me 6 years ago . What hurt me most was realising the loving and kind son I had for 32 years was a cruel coward . He did it via email 4 days after I saw him on my birthday. Estrangment is called a living grief. I have 3 grandsons with him only knew the oldest 2 they where 4&2 no idea the name of the youngest but he was due July 2020. My son not on dumped me but all our side of the family.

But knowing my son has done hurts me as much as my husband dieing . This may sound hard hearted but I decided in 2023 I never want to see my son again . I am not a forgive or forget sort of person. And if my grandsons decide to find me then they will know exactly why I haven't been in their life. Written proof from their father.

I do not dependent on anyone and haven't since my husband died. All because of his never ending love. And his promises which I have kept.

I am in constant pain through disability and in constant grief if I didn't feel either then I know I was dieing.

Grief doesn't have to be a negative emotion but it takes years well it did me to realise it.

Everyone do what makes you feel better doesn't matter what . Grief is a personal thing. This is just my experience.

Take it one day at a time . But live your life the best way you can not just for you but your spouse or partner as well. You all know they would not want you to give up. It's hard but doable . 🫂

Im just struggling with the loss of DH, i cant accept it im not suicidal just completly and heart broken . I cry that much i see every tear as a kiss for DH. I cant look fwd as im struggling with the now. Ive been with him from a young age ive never been alone ever. My chest hurts since the day he passed like im carrying a heavy weight all the time.im totally lost. Wander round the house, yes its a house not a home now since he passed. I have lots of pics all over the house feels like hes in evry room, i find it comforting. Every pic tells a story of our lives together.I struggle with day to day stuff mainly as im not interested its not important. Nobody to please now just me. Eveyone on here knows the pain of it all and I wish them all they wish themselves on their journey.

Your family are being selfies and self centred if they think you should be over it after just weeks.
I am very sad for you but also concerned that you feel as desolate as you are.

Not local to me. They are of the mind i should be over things. When you love deep you hurt deep. Im still besotted by my DH just like when we first met. He was a 60's heartthrob suited and booted a real stunner and his smile would have melted the whole of the arctic. When ha came down the club steps i said to my friend ,"i am going home with him " and i did that very night moved out
parents and with him ever since. A Wonderful, Wonderful man . He transformed my life in a lot of ways.

Mystyeyes do you have family?

I am 15 wks into my journey i cant think where I might be in time to come. My DH and i had 57 years togther im worse now than at the start. Cry on and off all day every day still struggle to eat and sleep. Theres no purpose to anything. On thursday the 15 th anniversary of his passing i cried constantly for whole day into the night. My DH passing has left me totally beyond repair like many he was my life. I wake up crying every morning which lasts till lunchtime and i manage to calm myself. I cant accept he has gone .Again like many i dont want a new life just my old one back. I am trying to still do the routine we had not very well i might add. I loved my DH more than life itself. I doubt i will ever come back from his loss. I have no interest in anything, dont go out, dont want to see people, altho at this stage most people have stopped asking how you are. Where i live people are so busy with their lives I have become invisible. I Take the min, hours for each day a bit at a time Im so lonely for his company, thoroughly miserable. I dont hope for tomorrow as it never comes. Thinking of you all on this horrendous journey.

I hope I’m not intruding on this very moving thread. My heart goes out to every one of you.
My Orlin has been very ill in hospital this past few months. And I have had the tiniest taste of coming home each evening to the emptiness, the sense of loss, the seeming futility of life without the one we love. It hurts like hell.
I am lucky that Orlin is in recovery and I know he’ll be coming back to me soon. I am so very grateful for that.
I really do feel such a sadness for those of you who will always miss the ones you love.

You do not know about real loss because it only occurs when you have loved someone more than you love yourself.

To everyone here this is just my experience as I often say. The only people who can help is someone going through the same thing whether its grief,heath problems etc. That's why GN threads gave been my go to source . Strangers who end up as friends don't know what the term would be for those on GN can't say pen pals. Think just saying friends helps me. I have been lucky enough to meet someone of those on GN in person and funny enough got on like a house on fire. Others email,text and talk on the phone.

Yes there are trolls and horrible people on GN . I have even had abusive PMs from something I have written on bereavement threads. But everything I write is from my own experience.

I would say to everyone grieving a spouse or partner keep talking to them everyday. Post on the threads people understand how you feel and know you are not alone. Going through the stages of grief hit everyone at anytime and nothing you feel is wrong . Grief like everything in life is personal to you.
My love and grief for my husband never dies and I wouldn't want it to. He is still my whole world. We both were stubborn and had tempers . So sparks would fly but we never went to sleep without telling each other I love you . I still say it every night before I go to sleep.
Mind you he would go mad if he saw what I used his precious chisels for. But when I was trying to get an old rose bush I thought what could I use so turned to his chisels and a hammer took me 3 days to get it out. But it made me laugh as I knew he would be saying what the hell are you doing woman do you know how much those cost me in 1980.

Silly example but laughing and thinking about your spouse or partner and what they would say and how they would do things I promise will get you through a tough patch even for a short time . Even grieving laughing,shouting,swearing or hitting a pillow if it helps you do it . I still do and it makes me feel better.

For me counselling wouldn't work. But writing on GN my rambles does as I know I am not alone . And I hope I help. But as I keep saying this is my own experience. And I have all the tee shirts like many on here as we have gone through more things than the death of the other half of ourselves .

Nothing you feel is wrong its personal to you . Grief hurts physically and mentally. But without loving the one person who made you whole is the heavy price we pay that's why for me my grief will never stop and only get worse as the years go by. But I was loved totally and no matter what my husband was by my side . He is in my heart and mind . My life for him gets stronger because that love has got me through some tough times the last 22 years and will continue until the day I die.

Keep posting how you feel you are not alone . X

I. Getting thru admin slowly somebody said it can take 6 months to get thru. DH probably wouldnt want me sad if only he were here to ask or hug me and take the pain away. As i am now , a hug off him would take all bad hurtful things away his arms round me solved everything, made everything right, if only i could walk the stairs to heaven and bring him home again. Every tear i shed is a kiss from me, i was truly spoilt having such a wonderful man to share my life with and glad he chose me. My loyalty to my DH will never fade or waver there could never been anyone else for me. The house is filled with lots of his pics every room i go in he is ther
e with his beautiful smile as are all his possesions. I find it very comforting. I am writing the story of how are lives began. He married me twice 1st time in a registry office then 25 years later in a church both were beautiful days well remembered. I recently started a journal it helps write in it every day 2/3 ,times a day. I am trying to work thru its, its just so hard like ot is for everyone on here who is going thru this lonely, hurtful time. May you all look after yourselves and things move on for you. Thanks for listening to my rambles .

Mystyeyes have you been able to manage with the admin after losing your husband? I’ve had so much to do and so much more to do that I’m wondering if you are coping ok in that way?

As UTTB says, I think perhaps professional help is the way forward. I know you say it won’t help, but I suspect it’s part of your despair that is telling you that it won’t help. When you’re at the bottom of a dark pit, it’s hard to imagine the smallest chink of light. As I understand it with therapy/counselling, if you just wanted to sit with them for an hour and simply cry, that would be ok. They’d accept it’s what you need to do.

It’s also ok if you eventually have periods of not crying while at home, it’s not a reflection of how you feel about your Dh. You’re not forgetting him, you still love him forever. Would he want you to be so sad for the rest of your life? I suspect not.

Usedtobeblonde. I dont do counselling im a very private person i struggle speaking verbaly . I wont tske medication ot just dulls pain and not stop it so you either end up on it long term or stop it and your pain is stillv there waiting to he dealt with. So itd not for me. I feel the only way for me is to go through it. I had 57 wonderful years woth my DH i would fo it all again in a heartbeat even though his last 4 years were poor health. He was and stili is my world thru all eternity, i loved him so very deeply always will he was a wonderful man, my Mr Wonderful, i have mobility problems so dont get out much. I find people on here are lovely they offer conforting words which i appreciate.

Doodle is it really 2 years. It seems much more recent.
5½ years for me . I'm finding plenty to occupy myself but oh how I miss him.
He was the good part of me. He was gentle and kind.
I want to share the joys (and sorrows). of parent and grandparenthood with him but I can't.

Like others here I have lost close friends too recently. People who knew him and some new friends don't though they can be kind and understanding.

I was at my DBiL funeral last week and that's another sadness.

How do we cope? I don't know but we do. We must.