Sometimes it’s just the small things that press the bruise isn’t it? 😢

We’ve been married nearly 56 years and the thought of one of us being bereaved is almost beyond comprehension, even though I would never call us “smug marrieds,” life without each other is almost beyond comprehension. I really hope that your friends will not disappoint you FGT, although sadly some probably will. A close friend whose husband died some ten years ago experienced this a lot, some people seem to think that you’ll be fine after a few weeks/months, and if you’re not will just not contact you. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, but sending you huge condolences.

Six months since my DH of almost 40 years passed. As you say FGT it’s the little things that hurt because they take you by surprise! I was braced for his birthday last week and the six month anniversary of his passing two weeks ago but they hit hard! Then I wrote a birthday card for our GD and automatically added his name and it completely destroyed me! I’ve avoided writing cards for that reason and instead sent text messages because no names are needed! And then my 4 year old GS asked when his grandad would get back from heaven! Every day something new sets me off. Virtual hugs to everyone out there missing the someone special in their lives 🌹

FGT2 your comment about the soap made me cry. After COVID I said I was never going to take anything for granted again, but we soon slip back into doing just that. Your post has reminded me how it's the little things that matter. And that are so easily taken for granted. I wish you strength to bear your loss. Keep your precious memories close to your heart. I do so hope that we are reunited with our loved ones again, when our time comes. Sending you a big hug

I rarely post on here but have always enjoyed ‘getting to know you all’ in a strange way.
FGT - your comment about the sliver of soap brought me to tears……
Sending hugs to all those who need them. 💐💐

I met my late husband when I was Grammar School and he had come home on leave from the Fleet Air Arm. Everyone called us the perpetual teenagers - and it is that closeness and a hug in passing that I miss 26 years after his passing. I have one daughter and one granddaughter who live reasonably near but, unfortunately, they are too tied up in their own affairs to give me much time. At 91 years I have outlived all of my close friends and, although I still drive ( a necessity as no local buses) I find it hard to join in local Clubs etc.
Recently, going through boxes of old photos, I found myself crying looking at our happy young selves. I always joke that we never really had arguments when he was alive, but when things go wrong - the vacuum won't work or the grass needs mowing - I do go out in the garden and have a good 'row' with him that he is not here to help! Luckily I have no near neighbours to hear me and upset!!
Big hugs to all us widows.

My dear sweet lady, do not chide yourself for grieving your beloved DH. Just take 1 day at time. Cry as much as you want, it is perfectly normal. There is nothing anyone can say or do to alleviate your ache. Just think of it in manageable snippets, day by day. My thoughts and prayers are with you xx

So so sad. I feel for you. I've recently lost parents, I'm grieving but it's definitely a different grief to that of losing a partner. Big hugs and 💞

I think all of you lovely grans have said it all, I feel that I have not the words to match your thoughts.

Eight years now since I lost my lovely Mike, and still there is not a second, minute, hour that he is not in my thoughts.
It's the smallest things: cooking for one, etc etc; and where is my nice tall man when it comes to changing a lightbulb or replacing the batteries in the smoke alarm?

Everything has to be done by me, every decision big or small made by me alone. No one to plan with, holiday with, hold hands with.

I had sort of prepared myself; DH's cancer which was successfully treated in 2004, then returned in 2011, successfully treated again, then returned for the final time in 2015/16 and over the next couple of years got worse and was incurable, plus the fact he had a stroke after which he was never the same, I felt in my heart that he would not see 2019, and indeed it was much sooner, February 2018.... I had grieved during those last month's but nothing prepared me.

I am busy, found new activities, made new friends, have good loving family but that one special person who was always there was no longer with me and there is a big hole in my life. I try to live my life as he would have wished it, and hope that somewhere he is watching me and smiling.....

Totally understand how you feel. When my husband died for the first few months every time I sat at my dressing table in the morning putting my make up on to go to work I would think my husband should be in the shower and getting ready for work. My eyes would stream with tears and I’d have to clean my face and start again.

I’m sorry for your loss . I can understand how you feel as my husband died when I was 54 and he was 58 . We had been married 35 years and thought we would have many more years until pulmonary fibrosis happened . He died 6 weeks after his diagnosis and I wouldn’t have got through it without my family .
The moments which hurt me the most were when I had a dream that he was alive and was happy for a little time , but then I would wake up and the reality would hit me like a sledge hammer.
It was 19 years ago this summer so I have time to come to terms with it .
Sending hugs x

JustkeepswimmingDonna

FGT2 your comment about the soap made me cry. After COVID I said I was never going to take anything for granted again, but we soon slip back into doing just that. Your post has reminded me how it's the little things that matter. And that are so easily taken for granted. I wish you strength to bear your loss. Keep your precious memories close to your heart. I do so hope that we are reunited with our loved ones again, when our time comes. Sending you a big hug

After COVID I said I was never going to take anything for granted again, but we soon slip back into doing just that.

That struck a chord with me.

I think it does happen like this - because we can't live life on the razor's edge.

That's what I tell myself when I rage against all those moments when I feel I didn't make the most of them, or worse, took them for granted.

But life happens, it gets in the way and demands attention to all those mundane but necessary tasks that keep us ticking over.

My partner used to collect me from work on the way home from his work and we would drive down the leafy Portsmouth Road towards Cobham habitually listening to Beethoven's Violin Concerto in D which usually lasted until the 3rd unbearably evocative movement when we'd arrive home. Anxious to put on the washing, make those phone calls or attend to 'life admin', I'd abruptly switch off the CD player...

Why oh why didn't I just live in the moment and enjoy quietly sitting with the man I loved, the man I found in later life after we'd both emerged from previous abusive relationships?

Because I had all the time in the world - because I didn't realise how quickly that time passes and that such moments are destined to become all too soon those intense memories that haunt.

I cannot even bear to listen to that piece of music. Classic FM have a habit of playing it occasionally and I have to switch off because now I'm living on the knife-edge of regret and it quite literally chokes me. I didn't understand that time passes in the blink of an eye...

FGT2 - 11 weeks - it's still so recent. I know you held out hope the day would be held at bay but you were trying to prepare yourself for it... 'anticipatory grief'. Himself was so stoic, it makes the grief even more intense. You often wrote so amusingly and affectionately about him. I really feel for you.

I am reading a book on grief “You’ll Get Over It” by Virginia Ironside (she used to be an agony aunt as well as a highly successful journalist). The book has been on my bookcase for 20 years, bought when a family bereavement floored me.

I came across this sentence earlier which I liked (you of course may not we are all different):

“Don’t look on it as a life interrupted, try to think of it as a life completed and then you can take it with you for the rest of your life”.

I found that comforting.

Thank you Dickens for saying that. Himself was indeed stoic and pragmatic (buzzword du jour). He never once felt sorry for himself - just once did his eyes fill when he said “I really thought I’d be here to see the Boy Wonder get His driving lessons”.

Not to be my darling man.
Not to be.

You write so poignantly about ‘missed moments’ Dickens. They do press the bruise don’t they?

I had plenty of time to anticipate his death. I made a conscious decision to listen more fully when he was talking (even Formula 1 or football). I readily acquiesced to any choice he put forward thinking “he won’t be here when I go forward afterwards, so it’s important that he has anything he wants”.

Which was never much. He was one of those men, happy to be a good provider - it’s the way he showed his love for us all - with never much wished for himself. Ah, my man.

Like FGT I had time to anticipate DH’s death but actually coming to terms with it is something else, and four years down the line I still yearn for his arms around me, for the drink or cup of tea presented with a smile, for shared jokes and phrases which were relevant only to us, for being half of a partnership which lasted for almost the whole of my adult life. I have yet to weep - I would probably feel better if I did but fear I would never stop.

GrannySomerset

I have yet to weep - I would probably feel better if I did but fear I would never stop.

I am with you Friedgreentomatoes2. My husband also died in February of cancer. This is not an easy journey and it takes time and good friends. Be good to yourself, get out of the house as much as possible. Don’t expect too much too soon. Posters on this thread have been kind with their wise words and I hope they’ve brought you comfort too.

I empathise. And I would just like to point out that there are probably many others like me. Yes, my husband has died, but by then he was my ex husband living in Australia.So though I was sorry, I wasn't grieving.
I too live on my own, and have done so for over 30 years, with no regrets.
I'm now in my 80s, not that healthy, and frustrated often by my inability to open bottles, work out how the weedkiller spray container works, wait for a visitor who can stand behind me, ready to catch, whilst I climb on a step stool on the landing to lean out over the stairs so I can replace the bulb in the ceiling light, and not have to climb the stairs in darkness, run next door in the middle of baking to ask a neighbour to undo the baking powder container....etc...etc

Bet of all, when my elder daughter and family come down from Cheshire ( I live in Berks). her partner mows the lawn,; that is one job I hate doing, and am not very good at it either!

Posters on this thread have been kind with their wise words and I hope they’ve brought you comfort too

Most definitely they have and do MadameP
Your loss is very recent too I hope you are managing okay?

I’ve been reading that grief book I mentioned upthread. I devoured it to be honest over two days to the exclusion of our book club read. I found some comfort within its pages. Small nuggets anyway.

Today’s pinch was at my dental appointment this afternoon for repair of a cracked filling. I’m a nervous patient at the best of times and this needed ‘a small amount of drilling, not much’ I was told.

As I lay there mouth wide open my eyes filled with tears at what a wuss I am. Here was I having a bluddy filling and being apprehensive- yet often, on a Tuesday afternoon, Himself would have his iv chemotherapy session. Result anlways unknown until the next scan.

He was so optimistic and so very grateful for his treatments. I felt humbled thinking of his stoicism to be honest and cried when I left the dentist.

JustkeepswimmingDonna

FGT2 your comment about the soap made me cry. After COVID I said I was never going to take anything for granted again, but we soon slip back into doing just that. Your post has reminded me how it's the little things that matter. And that are so easily taken for granted. I wish you strength to bear your loss. Keep your precious memories close to your heart. I do so hope that we are reunited with our loved ones again, when our time comes. Sending you a big hug

What a kind response from you jksd and very true.
When life is going ‘swimmingly’ we do indeeed take things (everything reality) for granted.

It takes the worry and terrible unremitting anxiety of terminal illness in a loved one to bring into sharp focus what Really Matters in life. And what doesn’t.

I have been sitting and re-reading all these posts. Heart rending. I cannot (ought not) single anyone out as there are so many I’d like to mention but don’t wish to slight others, so I will not do so.

However, a virtual hand hold to fellow sufferers and a heartfelt thank you to those who have so kindly posted to offer words of comfort. GN once again at its absolute best.

We are the only species that cries. xx

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love and hugs to you. xx

to FGT, who began this thread, and to all who grieve.

My husband’s funeral takes place this week. I feel unhinged, don’t know whether I’m up, down or sideways.

I’m 5 years down the line, and yes, I did lose confidence at first. Not surprising when your world is turned upside down like a snow globe. But gradually you find a way through it all and come out stronger. Takes a long time, though - years, not months. As for finding who your real friends are - well all his friends disappeared!

When your spouse or partner dies you soon know who your real friends and relatives are. You are trying to make sense of the world alone and then you have the hurt when people disappear. I know I wondered did people only put up with me because of my husband. But you find those you really care about you and are always there for you if its only giving you a hug or just sitting with you because all you need is silence but having someone else in the room. Or a relative or friend you starts cleaning will you cry. Not because they think you house is dirty but because they know you want to be alone but don't know how to help you so decide to do something practical.

It's bad enough you are grieving but all the practical things you have to do as soon as they die. My husband had left lists in the study who to contact as soon as he died. Silly things he forgot.
Hopefully this might make someone smile my husband had a trade magazine once a month called Wet News it was about water treatment plants and lastest sewage treatment. Even thought I cancelled it still came once a month for 5years . It became a running joke with the children if I had my copy. Luckily it came in a clear plastic envelope otherwise I don't know what the postman might have thought.

Once the funeral is over you think that's it now I can grieve in peace but no even more paperwork to do. Even though my daughter filled in the form to stop any post for my husband it still came for few years after he died. So had to write deceased on the envelope and post it.

I am straight forward I don't say my husband has past on or late . I say dead. It amazed me how many people didn't like me using the word dead. Only time my husband was late for anything was his funeral as the one in front over ran and I said to the children dad would hate this as he hated queuing and we laughed. I remember looking out of the funeral cars window and people where crying . We had an unsaid pact we wouldn't cry during the funeral I am glad we didn't even though we could hear people crying around us. But so many people came from all over the country we had to thank coming. We couldn't have done it if we cried.

I have found that it doesn't matter if you found the other half of yourself and only together a year or 50 that feeling of losing half of yourself is the same. But this is my own view and experience.

I still hate the empty side of the bed even after 22 years. My husbands last Christmas 2003 he won the raffle at our GPs and the cancer unit top prize . Still remember him saying finally I win things but dieing. The GP prize was a cuddly snowman which I slept with holding it for nearly a year. I always knew if I had a bad night as I woke up on my husbands side of the bed.

I didn't get rid of his clothes for 8 months and could only do it because my daughter helped me. My husband never wore anything thing that smelt as he used sensitive products because of his eczema.

Now this may sound awful but because of the tumours by the optical nerve he had lumps on his head which bled

My shaky finger pressed post .So his pillows had dried blood on them but I couldn't get rid of them for years until they stopped smelling of him. Sounds gross I know but I needed his smell. I keep a coat of his in a plastic bag which smelt of him. I hadn't smelt it for years and found when I was decluttering before my moving it was mouldy. Good job in was in a sealed bag.

When I was declutteing ready to move I put all the sympathy cards and letters in the recycling. I read them all when they arrived but didn't read then again. This was in 2018 he died in 2004 and didn't want to read them . But it felt good to get rid of them . Sounds awful but he wouldn't have wanted me to wallow in the past.

My husband from his diagnosis and knowing he only had 5 years to live he wasn't frighten of dieing but what upset him was leaving me . He was worried how I would cope . But he had his practical head on and had our bathroom made into a shower room as I couldn't shower without him because the shower was over the bath.

It's not easy the other half of you dieing some people do find love again and sond people expected me to. But my husband was my one and only true love the other half of me and the only person who knew the real me and I him.

Never fight your grief as you will hurt yourself . I still talk about my husband in the present tense as I have said I don't use past or late to describe him. He is still my husband and will be until I die. Our daughter will scatter our ashes together. As his are in my wardrobe.

There are only to certanties in life we are born and we die. The rest is up to us. Those of your who are newly widowed I can't say you will ever stop grieving but given time months or years you will cope and in my experience there with still be a void . I still find myself thinking how would my husband do it or shout at him because I can't get the top of something. It's always the silly things and I either cry or laugh.

My heart goes out to you all. But you can have a life given time and I owe it to my husband to do what he wanted me to do and that's live the best life I can and I do. Hugs to you all.