Happy Birthday...but Happy Death Day

NotSpaghetti I have looked after and watched 4 people died . Unfortunately they didn't die easily and each one they went skeletical while dieing . But they had to die to be free from the pain they where going through. I have family and friends who have looked after and watched loved ones did and only my nan died peacefully. Ever other death was as I experienced.

When a loved one dieing especially a spouse or partner it hurts physically and mentally. You cry so much your eyes sting and your chest hurts and I know I had to make myself have a wash and brush my teeth and hair . I couldn't just curl up into a ball and shut the world out.

Those who's children have died I don't know how they cope as that has got to be the worse grief ever. I can't comment further on that because it's something I haven't experienced.

You are right relief when they die is nothing to be ashamed of. They are pain free ..No one wants someone to be in that much pain death is the only freedom they can have .

I didn't realise until mom who was the last to die in 2017 how much it had effected my health and being on call 24/7 for decades not sleeping much in case I had to get a taxi and dash out at anytime.

We all have a moral code we live by . I hated my mother in law for 40 years but I couldn't abandon her after my husband her only son died she out lived him by 11 years. I looked after her because he loved his mom didn't like her, she was still my mother in law and the kids nan. It's easy to turn your back on people. But I wasn't brought up to do that or take the easy options . There was a very strong sense of family on my mother's side .
Which included my dad's side .

You can click the arrow at the top right on my phone and get a drop down type menu.
One option is "Hide this discussion" it usually works.
Hope it works for you.

...I knew what you meant with the heading.
My dearest friend said much the same when her husband finally died after lots of pain and problemswith drug treatment (but with those who loved him dearest, with him).

I have been lucky to be able to say that the deaths I have been present at of my grandmother, mother-in-law and my mother were all "good deaths" but even so, two were still a blessing and a relief.


I think the relief is something not to be ashamed of.
It seems to me that the person dying and the person left behind to try to live on are generally emotionally as well as physically exhausted.

Transcend I am like you. My husband had to die . If I could have saved him I would. But he needed to die . He said the cancer was like a black thing eating him alive . He was in agony ,going blind and couldn't breath on full oxygen the highest dose of morphine didn't help him . So I had to let him go. Life without quality isn't worth living . He had been dieing for 3 years . His last month was pure hell for him. If I could have died in his place I would have done and no doubt you feel the same. I was born disabled my husband was fit and healthy. I was prepared to die first.

When he died half of me died to and not been whole for 22 years .But because of him I live my life to the full like I promised him I would.

I have shouted at him for dieing ,swore at him ,screamed this shouldn't be my life . But I know him and he would just laugh and say feeling better with that stupid grin of his.

Yes the thread title isn't good. But it does mean you meant anything by it . People are to thin skin . There have been good posts here . I know I do have a dark sense of humour plus I have no filters. Simple fact I can't always remember what I say . And if my speech gets stuttery,slurry or can't get the words out then I can come out with things I didn't mean. My words get jumbled up . I am very honest. If people ask my opinion I always say do you really if they say yes then I give it . If they get offended I say well I did give you the choice. I don't go out of my way to offend people but don't ask a question unless you want the truth .I don't take offence what people say about me . But I will fight anyone who hurts people I like online and in real life .

People have got their knickers in a twist about the title. But did they read your opening post . It's not be 4 years since your husband died. Your grief is still raw . The only comfort is he isn't suffering in pain anymore . And it's hard being a couple and in an instant you are classed as single . Suddenly you have to make all the decisions and the one person you want and need you can never have .

Grief is not for sissies. It's hard everyday and in my experience it gets harder as my husband has missed so much. He was looking forward to being a grandad. So the grandsons I see they get double love and we do talk about their granddad and great nannie and grandad my parents.

Titles are just that it's the content which is important. 🌹

I wish I had never said Happy Death day because people misunderstand what I meant. I'm happy my husband is no longer living in physical, mental and emotional pain and misery. I love him completely and that means I want what's best for him first. First.

Thanks everyone for all the support, but if I could figure out how unwatch this thread, I would. There is no place to click unwatch.

MadameP glad your husband had a good death unfortunately mine didn't he died in agony unable to breath on full oxygen.

You may think the title is in bad taste but what people have posted about their experiences isn't . They have helped and supported eachother . Without love there can be no grief.

My husband died last Monday (02/02). I will not be celebrating death day as I think it is in bad taste.

He had a good death too. For those of you who have posted your stories you have my sympathy.

I don't like the term happy death day either.
But I came on this thread hoping to help people with their grief. And in turn getting help with mine . I am an atheist but I try and help people with my life experiences.

You don't need to be a Christian to be a good person and I am. I have been told by Christians I will burn in the fires of hell because I have no faith. Told them yes I will burn but in a crem .

Funny enough it's not vicars or priests who have quizzed me on my none belief in any faith. But ordinary people. My parents where Christians but didn't go to church as they believed God was everywhere . They where wonderful parents and helped people in anyway they can .

All my friends have a faith but they accept me for me.

Transcend has helped me and I thank her for that.

I hate that term Happy Death Day. No way could I ever claim happiness that Paw died.
I prefer what we used to say in church “Remembering those in our year’s mind”
I mark the anniversary of Paw’s death 8 years ago and our daughters and family do too, but than doesn’t mean I miss him less on all the other days!
In fact our wedding anniversary, the daughters’ birthdays and the anniversaries of their weddings are all especially poignant, because of the happy memories of those special days.
But anybody who tries referring to Happy Death Day in my hearing will get short shrift.

Finally I am crying but it's over something silly. Sainsbury's cancelled my order to be delivered on Wednesday. Not just mine but I was one of 119. Had to fight for 2 days to get it sorted out and fought to make them pay the delivery cost as they broke the contact and didn't deliver my order when I wanted. Just had confirmation of my order delivery today with the 2 substitutes which are ok. But no delivery cost I won .

My heart is breaking as it took something so silly and knowing my husband would be cheering because fought for myself.

Transcend hopefully you are being treated via the diabetic clinic. I know any wound can take longer to heal for a diabetic have diabetic friends. I always turn a negative to a positive..For the negative is the wound that taking time to heal the positive is it's on your boob so you can reach it.

I have had cellulitis 3 times after falls last time it was on my left calf have you ever tried taking a photo of your calf with shaky hands 😱. Had to see the GP and got the antibiotics as it was spreading .

It's good that you can share your story and you helped that old man. You may have been the only person he could talk to who understood what he was feeling.

When after lockdown meant we could go to see the GP but had to stay outside with masks on and only one person allowed in at a time and exit by different door. I talk a lot there was an old man and he said both he and his wife both had covid but he had been worse he was 89 and his wife 87 but she died and couldn't understand why . So I told him about my husband. Listened to him talking about his wife . He went in before me . But when I came out after my turn . He was waiting and asked if we could talk some more. But like you I couldn't just leave him . So we talked abou my view on finding the other half of yourself and he said that's how they both felt. I missed lot of buses and I can't stand still to long but I just couldn't leave him . He just wanted to die and be with his wife . They had been together since he was 16 she was 14. Married when she was 18.

I am an atheist so was my husband and our children. All my friends are Christians . I am lucky with my friends who don't try and change me . My best friends husband died 3 years ago . He collapsed at home and rang 999 unlocked the door and the operator stayed with her she did CPR on her husband until the 5 paramedics arrived . They worked on him for 20 mins she knows he had died when she was doing CPR but the paramedics tried everything they could . They couldn't have children. But to help her I asked if she found any feathers in the house as I knew they didn't have anything with feathers in the house. She said she found 2 in the kitchen . I told her that was P trying out his wings . She found little white feathers for months and saved them in a jar. But she said it made her feel better thinking P was trying out his wings and knows one day they will be together again .

You will be with your husband again one day . And from what you have said he will either say what kept you or tell you ,you are to early .

You are still in what I call early grief that's what I call the first 10 years. I do wish I could cry as I don't feel right I haven't. The pain of not having my husband is bad this morning. I talk to him everyday like I have since he died shouted at him for leaving me,swore at him ,just asked his opinion on things and just talked nonsense but it helps me . Think today I will find a weepy film just to make me cry . When I see my neurologist I will ask if the lesion has effected my emotions.

Anyway just had a ramble as usual.
Hope you heal soon and talk to your husband everyday and one day you will be together again . 🌹

Watching someone die in agony is excruciating. Bummer about the lesion. I have a diabetic wound that won't heal, on my boob of all places. I keep wondering if it is what will get me off of this planet, so I can be with Phil.
I was in the grocery store the other day and felt so bad for the man there who was looking for the things his wife always used to buy. We shared our stories. He was such a sweet man. His wife died of Covid when she went to see her mother. I realized I was there at that time to reassure him that his wife was waiting for him, and she still loves him. He had tears trickling down his cheeks several times. Some losses we just can't get over.

Transcend my husband's death wasn't peaceful he was in agony and unable to breath he had to die. I know you understand that. I had to tell him to stop we would be ok . But there is never an ok.

Last week I had nightmares every night hadn't had them for years but I knew why because it was the run up to this week. 2 nd would have been his 69th birthday ,3rd would have been the anniversary of our first date in 1975.

Today it's 22nd anniversary of his death. But it's odd this year I haven't felt sad and so far haven't cried. My grief for my husband is worse than ever and I still feel the rage and anger over him dieing. But I use it in a positive way as it's what gets me through everyday without him.

Still haven't properly recovered from my week's stay in hospital January last year. I have a 1.5 cm lesion under my scalp by the frontal lobe so until I see my neurologist next month I won't know what it means .

I know when I eventually cry it will be a relief as I will feel like me .

Thank you AuntieE. The difference here is that my husband's death was anything but peaceful.
I appreciate you expressing your understanding.

Dear Transcend, I know exactly how you feel, having lost my husband two years ago, and New Year's day was the 10th anniversary of my only sister's death. In both cases, death came as a blessed relief - to them. As you say, we are left to mourn, and it is cold comfort indeed that death came as a peaceful release to them.

I think you can be certain that we are many who know exactly what you mean, and are grateful to you for expressing it.

It is horribly difficult to be consoling without being trite, so I shall leave it there.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

My late darling mum had what our eldest daughter termed ‘a good death’. She deserved that. Orphaned at nine years old, widowed by my father at 45. She was in hospital at the end of life with pneumonia “the old person’s friend”. Just quietly slipped away with gentle oxygen to soothe her. We were all with her in shifts and my sister and I were either side of her bed as she died, holding her hands.

My daughter said it was as though she’d just left us to go into a room next door. Peaceful. Kind. Deserved.

Miss you so much mum, 8 years on.
You would be so upset to know what we are going through.
xx

It’s just over eight years since we lost our darling mum, we miss her every single day.

She was my best friend, my shopping buddy, my lunch (and wine) partner.

Sending you (((hugs))) 😿

My DH my DiL and my SiL mothers have all died . Their birthdays were all within a week of each other. So we all meet have a meal and raise a glass to them all then . We don’t actively mark the dates of their deaths , although my DH died on 31st December which is a bit tricky to forget ! I also have a GS whose character is a reincarnation of my DH ! We all talk about them a great deal as the DGC were all very young and we want them to be remembered.

The first time I came across the expression “Death Day” was Charlotte Bronte writing about her sister Emily, dying at 29. Far too young.

I’m widowed but I make an effort not to remember these anniversaries for any of my family. I think of them constantly anyway. Dyscalculia (number blindness) helps too. One of the few times it does…
💐Transcend.

Whiff, I understand the hell you are in and not wanting anyone to tell you what to believe. I feel the same. Happy Death day is just because my husband is not longer physically, mentally and emotionally suffering. Every day I say, "I hate my life."
Allsorts, I remember the happy times now. I want the things we shared around me.
Madeleine45, my husband is with me. It helps.
The laws of physics say that nothing is ever lost, it only changes form and substance. He was big into physics.

I miss my husband so much ,but sometimes it is harder than others. The days you dread , such as anniversaries and special days or places are hard as expected, but I have sort of built up a bit of a wall against expected pain. What I find the hardest is that awful sudden moment when you find an old letter, shopping list in his handwriting, turn a corner on a road you thought you did not know and come up to a place that you visited and loved so long ago. That raw pain which you suddenly feel and could not have prepared for is still hard to cope with.

When I got cancer for the second time and this time I was on my own, I felt so many things about him not being here with me. sometimes angry that I had to cope alone, sometimes in a panic wondering how I would cope, and sort of mentally trying to think how I could manage. But I am still here, still missing him, and it is more you somehow come to miss them in a slightly different way, which is the only way to be able to carry on. I am both happy and sad for new friends I have made since he died, glad for their friendship but sorry they never knew him and of course never knew us as a couple, so they dont see me as half of the whole as I always do feel. But my beloved swaledale is a great consolation and a place that we shared. On hard days I put a picnic in the car and go off up there to enjoy the scenery, the birds and the sheep etc. I go to our special place and think of him and get the strength to carry on. It is good to be able to write on here, when you feel you dont have much chance to speak of this. I know he wanted me to do whatever I felt able to do, to remember our happy times together but not to stop living and going forward and I do feel living the best way I can is the right way to carry on, and doesnt take anything away from the memories of our lives together.

However much you love someone, if they are suffering, death is a release. It is now 21 years for me. I don't mark that day, won’t let myself go back there. My memories are our life together,. It took me a long time to learn to live with the raw grief but I went through the motions, redecorated my house, new furniture, went on holidays as he asked me to do. I know lots of widows who found new partners even if they have not lived together, but I couldn't. He was my best friend as well as my husband. Have quite a few friends but spend a lot of time on my own but now I am used to that. I do not believe you have more than one soul mate, you are lucky to have had one.
Transcend, I understand how you must feel. You wanted his suffering to end but you miss what you had. As time passes you begin to live round that huge void they leave and remember the happy times.

My husband had to die he was in agony from cancer on highest dose of morphine full oxygen and still couldn't breath.

We always knew he was going to died from his diagnosis January 2001 with grade 4 malignant melanoma. After it was removed and skin graft done . As far as everyone else was concerned he would be fine . Only me and our children knew he was dieing . He never wanted anyone else to know or in his words treated as a dead man walking. When he was terminal October 2003 he had 6 tumors. Christmas day he said he wanted to get to his birthday we promised to get him there and we did. He died. 4 days after his 47th birthday nearly 22 years ago.

I had to tell him to stop and we would be ok he died few minutes after at home with me and our children. The moment he took his last breath half of me died and haven't been whole since . But he was a wiseman and knew what I needed to live without him and that was a series of promises have kept everyone.

I looked after both parents. And mother in law who I hated for 40 years until they died. I didn't have a life I existed out home was just a house without him .

But all that changed when I moved to the north west in 2019 . Finally had a home again and living the life he wanted for me . He wanted me to live the best life I could and I do. But grief is with me daily but because of my husband I have a life . Unless you love you can't grieve . He was the other half of me and I was his . He knew the real me and me him .

I call the first 10 years early grief. My husband was the fit healthy one I was born disabled . Nothing about my health ever phased him we had 29 years together and married 22 when he died . The rage and anger I feel everyday over him dieing I use in a positive way it makes me fight and get through everyday.

I have been told on other threads I should let the rage and anger go . But we all use what we need and that's what I need.

I have done things and survived things because of him . He gave me strength when he was alive and he still gives it me . I am an atheist so no one say it's gods will, bugger that . You believe what you want but don't tell me what to believe. I have been called names on other threads and been told to my face I will burn in the fires of hell because I have no faith. Told them yes I will burn but in a crem .

I don't tell others what to believe but believe in what helps you . Do what helps you . I do wish my husband happy birthday,happy Easter ,happy anniversary,happy Christmas he's favourite time of the year and happy new year.

But never happy death day for 14 years I relived the last 2 weeks of his life like watching an old black and white film. My children never knew normally they text me but on the 14th anniversary of his death my daughter phoned and it all came out . She and her brother both told me off and said I should have told them . But I vowed that day to myself never to do that again and haven't.

I don't think of him dieing but living . Bone crushing grief still hits me out of the blue but I have a good cry and feel better . I have shouted at him for dieing ,swore at him and ranted at him but then I see him with his stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better and I do .

Grief is not for sissies. When the love of your life you are never the same but because of their love you can live a full life takes years in my experience.

The most courageous are parents who have had a child die . I don't know how they get through each day . As I don't know that grief . And there are many parents on this forum facing that grief .

We all have to grief our way and cope the best we can . I have found grief gets worse as the years go by . I am still married and Mrs . He was the love of my life my knight in slightly tarnished armour.

As I read all your heart-led responses, I want you to know I love all of you. "Truly." Loss is the same, and it's different. Our souls are intertwined with those we love who pass on. The ways we find comfort, the ways we don't, are very individual. One of the things I have difficulty with is making good decisions. At times I am in a brain fog. At times I want to scream at people or turn them over knee and paddle them as if they are bad children. My parents never did that to me. I worked so hard to become strong. I educated myself in the things that were important to me. I learned to be caring and loving, but now it's like it was all stripped away, and I start again six feet under. When something goes wrong and I have to fix it or I will be in a mess, I despair, because I don't have the energy. If it weren't for my dog and cat I would be alone 95 percent of the time.

I will overcome this. I just don't know how, other than to keep on keeping on. I assume that's how a lot of you feel, from what you have all said.

I want to respond to you each individually and yet, the words don't come.

I'm glad they were more supportive for you and your DH, SusieB50.
A difficult time of year for you

It does depend on different personalities, of course but I was surprised at the time, then years later my friend told me of her experience. I'm sure most are not like that.

Allira

^McMillan’s would have nothing to do with us because he’d been to the hospice for respite care.^
We did not have a very good experience with McMillans when my father was dying, grandMattie, although that was a long time ago. Neither did a friend when her young daughter was dying in a different art of the country.
I hope they have changed since then.

My DH died at home from cancer 6 years ago on 31st December. The MacMillan nurses were wonderful and organised everything for him to remain at home as was his wish . It is sad to hear others did not. I was fortunate to have a good district nursing team both day and night. His pain was manageable and although it was only 4 weeks from diagnosis he had a good death I feel. It was a shock at the speed of it all but I’m thankful he didn’t suffer for months .

McMillan’s would have nothing to do with us because he’d been to the hospice for respite care.
We did not have a very good experience with McMillans when my father was dying, grandMattie, although that was a long time ago. Neither did a friend when her young daughter was dying in a different art of the country.
I hope they have changed since then.