Mothers ‘rights’ at her sons funeral

Mynxie, I am sorry for your loss.
Of course it is OK to ask for the song to be played at your son's funeral. I am sure that she will understand when you explain.
As sharon103 has mentioned there is a time allocation for a service.
Last year when my DH died, we had a humanist service for him but was able to have two readings, tributes and three songs included into that 30 minute service.
I am sure you will be able to have your special song, you as a mother are not asking for much.
Again so sorry for the loss of your precious boy.

I think since your son had a long-term partner, then it is first up to her what form, if any, a funeral takes.

This may sound harsh but hear my story first. My daughter died earlier this year. She had a long-term partner and they had two kids. DD did not want a funeral and made this known to her life partner. He in turn made it known to DD's relations and to his own side of the family. He expressed his wish to honour his life partner's preference.

We all went along with that.

In my case, as it happens, going along with that actually meant being extremely relieved. I had been dreading the funeral from the moment we knew of her terminal diagnosis. My son-out-law arranged a private cremation.

The he and their kids did a very special thing with the ashes in a very special place to DD. We all know exactly where it is and some of us will go there and visit that place when we can.

I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to make your preference known but in your position I would wait until you hear what your son's partner wants.

I wish you well in your grief and send heartfelt condolences.

In short, Mynxie, I'm saying I didn't feel I had any 'rights' anyway.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter Baggs

I am sorry for your loss.

My husband's son died some years ago, and his funeral was arranged by his widow and children. It was a mass and burial afterwards, that would have probably been different if his next of kin had still been his mother and father. My husband really would have preferred a cremation over burial, but would have never interfered. He does however lament every time he visits his son's grave, that where the cemetery is sited is directly under the Heathrow flight path, more as a wistful aside really than anything else. However, being and remaining close to his daughter in law respected her wishes, as they were at the time. The cemetery was pretty near where they lived and that was important to them, the children wanted that they often left letters, pictures in small plastic type bags on the grave.

to all those who have lost a child.

Exactly Baggs I don’t feel as if I have( or should have) any rights at all.

I only wanted to know if it was unreasonable to express my wish that’s all, but if it’s not appropriate or doesn’t fit in with what she wants that’s fine. If I don’t ask I’ll never know, but will make it clear that it’s entirely her decision and I wouldn’t want it any other way

Sincere condolences Mynxie.
Of course the order of service may have been drawn up but at 2 funerals I attended recently there was a period of reflection where pictures of the departed were shown and we listened to music. One was “Imagine” and the other an instrumental version of Queen’s “Love of my Life” - so moving.

❤️mynxie so sorry this is so very sad I hope your daughter in law agrees with your very gentle request
X

Oh Mynxie I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t think that your son’s partner would have any objection to having the song played. I hope everything goes as well as possible. Take care of yourself.

I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter Baggs.

Mynxie, thinking of you and hoping all goes well at this sad and difficult time. Let It Be seems to me an appropriate choice and I hope your DiL accepts your request to include it.

Baggs

Well, I’ve come up with a plan B as suggested.

If it’s a no goer I’m going to have a silver bracelet he gave me for my birthday a few years ago engraved with the words ‘Let It Be ‘ on the inner (hidden) side

I was considering a tattoo but this seems a good compromise

That is a lovely idea Mynxie. You could do that whatever happens.

Smileless2012

My sincere condolences for the loss of your son Mynxie .

I see no reason why suggestion of a particular song from his mum would be regarded as unreasonable or insensitive.

I second all of this

Baggs

I think since your son had a long-term partner, then it is first up to her what form, if any, a funeral takes.

This may sound harsh but hear my story first. My daughter died earlier this year. She had a long-term partner and they had two kids. DD did not want a funeral and made this known to her life partner. He in turn made it known to DD's relations and to his own side of the family. He expressed his wish to honour his life partner's preference.

We all went along with that.

In my case, as it happens, going along with that actually meant being extremely relieved. I had been dreading the funeral from the moment we knew of her terminal diagnosis. My son-out-law arranged a private cremation.

The he and their kids did a very special thing with the ashes in a very special place to DD. We all know exactly where it is and some of us will go there and visit that place when we can.

I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to make your preference known but in your position I would wait until you hear what your son's partner wants.

I wish you well in your grief and send heartfelt condolences.

Awful to have a child die, however old they are, whatever the circumstances.

You sound as if you dealt with it all very sensitively

My sincere condolences to both of you. I can only imagine how hard it must be to lose a child.

I can see no reason why you would be treading on toes to ask for a song to be played at your son's funeral, Mynxie. I hope you get your wish, and that the day goes as well as these things can.

Oh Mynxie my heart goes out to you. Losing a child is so painful. I think the song you have chosen is lovely and also your Plan B. It sounds as if you are a close and loving family and your son's partner will appreciate your love and care for her and your grandchildren

So sorry for your loss Mnyxie . I would ask if the song can be played but accept it might not be what his partner wants.

I'm sorry for your loss Mnyxie. Lovely song - it won't hurt to ask but don't have expectations for a positive answer. I have received "no's" in such times. If the answer is negative, please play the song for you and his memory and light a candle for you DS whenever and wherever you find appropriate.

*for your DS

Mynxie sorry for your loss. I am looking at from the view point of someone being widowed young . My husband was 47 when he died and I was 45 our children 20 and 16.

I wouldn't have welcomed any interference from my mother in law. Christmas 2003 my husband said just do what we want for the funeral. We are atheists so had non religious funeral no flowers as we as a family thought they where a waste of money . Because people gave donations we raised just over £5,000 for the cancer ward who treatment him .

Mother in law came to say goodbye but he was unconscious and for the first time told him she loved him . She wanted to stay while he died but I said no . He only wanted me and the children there.
When he went to the funeral home she wanted to see his body . But I had already told the funeral directors that once my husband left our home no one was to see his body.

The funeral director talked about my husband and we had 3 pieces of pop music played . The last piece when we left the crem was Mr Blue Sky by ELO. A favourite of his.

I had told his mom he didn't want his funeral date put in the newspaper as he only wanted people there who we told. She put it in the paper and some of his relatives crawled out of the woodwork. Which weny against my husband and our wishes.

There was no wake afterwards as it's not what he or us wanted. Our daughter went out for a meal with 3 of her uni friends who had hired a car to come after we invited them then they went back to uni afterwards . Our son went out with his best friend. So I could finally cry in peace.

My parents knew not to ask anything as they respected my husband and our wishes.

My in laws where horrible people and after the funeral my mother in law told people she never had a son or had 2 grandchildren. And refused to go too their weddings. But I hated her for 40 years but looked after her until she died 11 years after my husband .

It's up to the spouse or partner what the funeral arrangements are. As they knew their loved one best.

Sorry it you don't want to hear this but it's a fact. If his partner asks for help then give it but if not leave her alone.

I’m so sorry for your loss Whiff and for what sounds like a very traumatic time with your husbands mother
I’m nothing like her I can assure you -,I only help when asked and she knows I am there for her whenever she needs me otherwise I give the family all the space they need to grieve. We are actually going to her house at 8.30am tomorrow to help defrost and empty a defunct fridge freezer prior to a new one being delivered after which I don’t expect to see her until mid next week when she has asked if my husband and I can help her and the children spend a few days by the seaside . We are not looking to interfere in her life unless invited (although we are caring for the grandchildren over most of the school holidays at her request)
My son has been dead for exactly one week today, I’m sorry if I’ve appeared insensitive to anyone but I’m still in shock and reeling from grief so please don’t take offence at anything I’ve said, I honestly don’t want to cause anyone any upset

You have rights too, Mynxie. What you have been through is massive, and your needs are every bit as important as those of other people.

Of course you're still in shock, and of course you are grieving. There is no hierarchy or protocol for things like this. Your DIL is your son's legal next of kin, but you are his mother, and you count too.

It's not interfering in your DIL's life to ask if you can have a song played at your son's funeral. The last thing you need is to regret not even mentioning your wishes in case it causes offence - why would it?

I think you should ask but I also think you should go with your plan B anyway as that is a lovely things for you

I am deeply sorry for your loss