My husband and I don't want a funeral when we die

No, not controversial, just, dare I say it, light-hearted.

However, in many ways true, a private cremation followed by a party is just as much a funeral as an elaborate religious cermony and a party.

Why people are so averse to a good funeral I really do not understand. A good funeral, is anything you want it to be. Some years ago I arranged an uncle's cremation and funeral. he was not a religious man, so we had no minister humanist or anything else there. I put together a programme of poetry and readings based on his life and interests and, I gave the eulogy, with my children.

I think people are anti-funeral because they are so tied into the idea that it has to have someone professional to lead the event and follow a certain set of rituals (non-religious).

When in actual fact the best funerals are a gathering of those who loved the deceased, remembering that person, how they wanted to - and then having a good party

Fine - your choice

Was this intended to be controversial?

Good post @Monica I completely agree.

MOnica, your post raised a smile for me. Years before my husband’s diagnosis, followed too quickly by his death, he announced none of this wearing pink and no singing - I want everone wearing black and weeping because I’m dead, sing Jerusalem and play Nimrod. Big gathering of my family snd friends
That’s what we did. Beautiful service in the village Church, vicar a friend, Church full to bursting. Burial in the woodland remembrance garden (family only). Reception at a good local venue where we exhibited some of his art work and published books
A real commemoration of a life well lived -

The more I read this thread, the more I am coming round to having a huge funeral with lots of wreaths a choral Requiem Mass followed by a big party in the local pub.

To have my remains quickly tidied up and out of the way like something noxious the cat brought in, seems to me, now, to degrade the individuaal and their life and reduce them, both literally and figuratively to nothing.

In fact many people are deluding themselves. There is no difference between a private cremation followed by a party and a funeral service followed by a party, In fact I think the party will go with much more pizzazz, if you havehad some sort of commemoration before hand. It could follow the quaker pattern and just be a quiet room with friends and families gathered together in silence to remember the loss, with either a eulogy by someone who knew the corpse well, or several people who reflect on different aspects of their lives.

Then when that is over, party, remember the dear departed at their worse, revivie stories of them misbehaving and swing from the chandeliers.

My husband passed away 23 months ago. We had discussed having a Direct Cremation. Very simple to arrange. He would have had a big birthday later that year for which he had 'requested ' a party. I knew as did he eventually he wasn't going to make that party. I discussed how we could celebrate his life with family. We unanimously agreed he would have his birthday remembered by inviting friends and family to a supper, followed by birthday cake. Our 8 yr old great grandaughter had asked if Pops was having a cake...why not..so we did. It was a perfect night he would thoroughly approved of. I shall have a Direct Cremation too.

I’m going to have a direct cremation and my ashes scattered in my favourite spot in Wales.
I will leave money for my family to enjoy a good meal together instead of a funeral and they all know and respect my wishes.

Yongy

Each to their own. I detest the idea of my corpse rotting in a coffin, I much prefer to have a cremation, end of story. I know of Christians, including the clergy, who wish to have cremations with no one present.

Each to their own, no connection with being Christian or a member of the clergy.

For me a green burial in woodland next to my late husband. The service will be simple, eulogy and a favourite poem. Family and very close friends, followed by lunch at our favourite restaurant.

You won’t know anything about it, you’ll be dead.

Each to their own. I detest the idea of my corpse rotting in a coffin, I much prefer to have a cremation, end of story. I know of Christians, including the clergy, who wish to have cremations with no one present.

My partner wants a’budget’cremation - involves being taken from the hospital for cremation and then the ashes are collected. I’m gradually coming round to the idea because it means whatever family are left can have their own celebration of his life.

Remember funeral, or no funeral, plans are for the living. You have no means of knowing, or controlling how your body is disposed of after you have died.

I am leaving it to my children to do what they want to do when the time arrives. What I do want, is for them to dispose of my remains in a way that brings them most solace and I care not what that way may be.

My husband and I are opting for direct cremations after which our ashes will be scattered at our special place and there will be a family and friends gathering to remember us by in their own way and a tribute page online where people who cannot attend can donate to a designated charity/organisation and or send 'a thought' and light candles in rememberance if they wish. Everyone will be able to choose something of ours to remember us by and we already have our wishes for our property and other assets in our Wills. We have agreed everything with our family.

Our family is scattered all over the UK and the world. DH and I would much rather they gave the expense that travelling to our funerals would involve to their favourite charity. I would like my ashes to be scattered in flowing water (but that’s another can of worms) but I will leave it up to my AC as to what they want to do. If having a funeral makes it easier for them so be it.

There have been no funerals in my family since we discovered they aren’t compulsory. I’ve told my offspring to have a good meal out if they want to celebrate my life.

I would honour my loved ones wishes though not necessarily agree with them. It mattered to me my mother and father and my husband had a funeral with all family and friends there, anyone who loved them saying goodbye. A proper goodbye.
Personally I would like a similar funeral, but doubt it would not matter to my children although if I told my son he would abide by my wishes. I don’t like the idea of no one being there and my body treated of no consequence. Respect and love at the end of life is to me precious. Not my body treated as an object to be disposed of as quick as possible.

The vicar delivered a very good eulogy for my mother. He took time to get to know about her (it was the parish where she was born and lived her early life). I also intend that the vicar will give a short eulogy at my funeral. It’s not a burden I wish to place on my son or, if he is still alive, my husband. I only want a very short Church service, no long or effusive eulogy or anyone considering whether it is ‘satisfactory’. It is customary in my family for the vicar to deliver the eulogy.

Iam64 Yes, I gave the eulogy for my father. I also did it for a friend and an aunt. Within my family it is customary to ask a family member to give the eulogy.

While there are always going to be exceptions I have yet to hear a minister, whether humanist religious or anything else give a satisfactory eulogy when they did not know the deceased.

We had a humanist celebrant at my mother-in-law's funeral and she was wonderful. It obviously helped that she knew my in-laws slightly, but she really took the time to find out what the family wanted to say and what we wanted from the service.

I gave the eulogy at both my parents funerals and at my husband’s. It was an important part of remembering them and part of bereavement

Dinahmo This is not a problem specific to religious services. In the last couple of years I have attended the funeral of 2 dear friends where the funeral was led by a professional Humanist minister/leader/clebrant, I am not quite sure what they are called. In each case the eulogy has been as you described - precisely because they do not know the deceased.

In most funerals I have been to over my lifetime, the eulogy has been given by a member of the family, sometimes by the deceased's AC, or a friend or other.

When my sister died, in her 40s, someone she worked with gave the eulogy and it was the most beautiful I have ever heard, he knew my sister well and share some of her interests, and phrases from it still remain in my memory 35 years later.

Neither of want a funeral. Both of us felt traumatised by traditional funerals and have no wish to impose this ritual on our families.

My FIL was not a believer. So much so that my DH was not christened because my FIL thought that "churching" was wrong.

When my ML died we suggested that he could have whatever ceremony or non ceremony he liked. My BIL and DIL persuaded him to have a church service. It was a travesty.

None of us were church goers and although my FIL had a friend and former who became a vicar, he was unable to do the service. The celebrant new nothing about the family and so asked questions. The most memorable comment was that my MIL was a keen flower arranger and a member of the WI.

I am writing this as a former C of E attendee who lost my faith many years ago. So much so that I was not a god mother to my niece, although I have always thought of myself in loco parentis to her.

As long as I am dead they can put me in a black bin bag, I won't be here to worry about it.