Lonely

My husband of 53 years died only 2 months ago. Everyone said how well I have coped, I just got on with things after he died and felt so calm at the funeral. Now, just this last weekend I have gone to pieces, for some reason on Saturday I just couldn't stop crying, I felt I had been hit by a truck, it came home to me, he won't ever be coming back. Obviously I knew this, but somehow it hadn't registered,I am crying now as I write this. This time of year gets me down at the best of times, the dark nights, all the Xmas adverts on TV. I have no children, and no friends really, we did everything together. I am dreading Christmas. I have acquaintances, but I have been putting on this brave face for them, I feel people will be fed up with me if I am being miserable. But perhaps I have been trying too hard to be brave. The future looks bleak to me

BA there is always so much to do up too the funeral . Then you realise that's it now what ?

When your husband took his last breath half of you died with him. Your present and future died to . And making a new present and future without him is bloody hard. In a second you go from being a couple to single .

Adjusting to be on your own is hard especially after 53 years of marriage plus the courting period . The moment my husband died my home was just a house . My husband was my home . I didn't have a life for 15 years until I moved here as I had our children at home for 2 years after there dad died . Our daughter was in her final year at uni the year he died she was 20 and out son at college he was 16. She came home to help her brother through A levels . Then out son went to uni and told my daughter she had to go back and use her education. While they with me I thought I had to be brave and hold everything together and couldn't let my grief go until I was in bed . What a fool I was but I was 45 what did I know about bone crushing grief.

I had both parents and mother in law to look after . I had no life I existed.

I am lonely but only for my husband not because I live on my own. I like being on my own . My husband died in 2004 aged 47. I still have overwhelming grief at times. For you it's only been 2 months . I call the first 10 years early grief.

The only person expecting you to be brave is you . I would hate for anyone to do what I did. By not showing my grief I hurt myself mentally and it makes my physical disabilities worse.

Bone crushing grief effects you in so many different ways . The rage and anger I still feel everyday gets me through everyday without my husband. I was born disabled but it was my fit healthy husband who got cancer we always knew he wouldn't live 5 years he lived 3.

I hope you talk out loud to your husband everyday I promise it will help . I have raged at my husband ,swore at him ,blamed him for dieing and leaving me but I then see him with that stupid grin on his face . I have no videos of him . And lost his voice as soon as he died but can hear how he phrased things.

I found after the funeral people disappear on me . It's when you know who really cares about you and that's hard to deal with.

Showing your feelings isn't being weak it's being human . Don't hold you grief in the only person expecting you to is you . I wouldn't say go to counselling as it's useless . The only person who knows how you are feeling is someone going through the same thing and understands how you lost everything . Yes I have children and 5 grandson's. But as much as I love them it's my husband I want .

But we where lucky to have found the other half of ourselves the one person that made us complete. The only person who knew the real you and you them . And not having that is hard but grief is the heavy price we pay for true love and I am glad I had my husband for as long as I did. We where together for 29 years married 22. I was 16 he was 18 when we meet. I didn't know how to be single . But I don't consider myself as single to me I am still married still Mrs and I don't say late husband as he was never late in his life until his funeral . The funeral before us ran over . I said to the kids dad would hate this and we laughed . My husband hated queuing . We didn't cry during the funeral and glad we didn't as there where so many people there. No wake or flowers and as atheists we had non religious service . We raised £5,000 + for the cancer ward that threated him but it was for patients to have treats .
Read some of the other threads and you see everyone feels as you do . Grief never dies like love never does.

Never hold your feelings it. By writing them down on GN gets them out in the open. Otherwise they fester in your mind and you hurt more.

I glad my posts rambles and I do ramble on but it makes me feel better. You are not alone in your grief many here are feeling the same . My grief for my husband hurts more than it did when he died I have just learnt to cope .

Hopefully this has helped you like I say I ramble on. 💐

whiff I cried when I read your words. So sad. I’ve never met anyone decent yet.

whywhywhy sorry I made you cry . That wasn't my intention. I was very lucky to meet my husband when we where young . But people do get to meet their other halves at any age . So you still have time to meet that special person. 💐

BA69, your experience of coping, dealing with admin, planning the funeral etc the finding yourself in floods of tears, will have been shared by many of us.

I’m mid 2nd year anniversaries and finding it’s true, what the research says, that the 2nd anniversaries are indeed, tough.
I’m living my new life as well as I can, despite missing him so much. I can’t say I’m lonely, I’m blessed with family and friends but often I’m alone.

Iam64 unfortunately it's not only the 2 nd year in my experience that's harder but as the years go by the grief gets worse . I know it's because I am getting older and my husband is frozen in time at 47 plus he has missed so much . Seeing the children getting older ,marrying and having their own children. Plus all the plans we had for the future things I will never do as they where our plans not mine . Also because of money worries I have missed the chance to got to places abroad I wanted to go. I have the money now but because of my disability means I can't go on a plane, also my daughter would worry to much as she wouldn't be able to get too me quickly if I became ill or had a bad fall.

As time goes by the grief deepens but you learn to cope but even now getting ever closer to 21 years the grief can be overwhelming and hits me out of the blue. I am still lonely but only for my husband. But I know I am living the life he always wanted me to since I moved here 5 years ago and live my life to the full.

The days ,weeks and months have flown by . But I am happier since my move than I had been since my husband took his last breath. And moving I found me again my place in the world . Even my estrangement from my son his choice I didn't see it coming and missing him and my 3 grandson's the eldest 2 I know but my son and daughter in law are so cruel I don't even know their youngest name or exact dated for birth. And estrangement is a living grief but decided last year to give up any hope of ever seeing or talking to my son ever again. And happy I made that decision. The grief for my husband far out weights what my son and daughter in law have put me through.

Iam64 I can't believe it's been 2 years since your husband died I still remember when you first says he died. I hope the time has flown for you . I don't mean that in a cruel way as I know how much the grief is overwhelming and weights you down but if it has dragged it makes the grief worse . I know I went through that ,my own fault thinking I had to be brave and hold my feelings in and waited to bedtime to let them out. I was a fool only wish someone had told me what I was feeling was normal and not to hold my grief inside but give into it.

That's why I ramble on I would hate anyone to do what I did but at 45 what did I know about bone crushing grief. I know I repeat myself I do that in real life but I don't lie as my memory is bad . It's part of my disability I can repeat myself in a sentence and don't even know I have already said it. Plus what I think I am saying comes out wrong or jumbled up. But have been like it my whole life. But since 2022 at least I know why, having my diagnosis changed my life for the better and found a group of of people going through the same thing. First person I wanted to tell was my husband so I did as I still talk out loud to him everyday. It's my way of coping and gives me comfort.

Everyone here know you are not alone and people here understand what you are going through . 💐

Thanks for your thoughts and kind words whiff. The loss of a loved life partner is so hard. 💖🙏🏽💙

so sad to see so many people lonely just like me I met my husband when I was 15, and we weer married 59 years, he died in 2021 we lived in this house for 40 years, and now my son and his wife think I should move into a residential home to have more company, they took over the mortgage and dont like leaving me alone, the are on holiday at the moment, I can cope but I need friends but am stuck without much mobility.

dixie I am disabled and walk with a stick . Have a rare hereditary neurological condition which effects other aspects of my life . My husband died in 2004 aged 47 we had been together since I was 16 he was 18. My house was no longer my home without him . Long tale cut short.

I was finally able to move in 2019 to my bungalow over 100+ miles from where I lived . Had lived in my old house from 1985 and our first house was only couple of roads away we brought in 1980.

I had my bungalow adapted so it was safe for me . And decided when I moved I would life my life to the full. As before I existed I had no life of my own due to looking after others.

You say you don't have much mobility. But can you use an electric wheelchair or 4 wheel scooter . I don't know how bad your mobility is ? To be honest I walk but my mobility isn't great but I won't give in to a wheelchair yet. Plus I fall but it doesn't stop me . I am a member of 2 exercise classes, cuppa and cake group and craft group. I like to go out 3 times a week. Been quite ill recently but I still went out.

I think you do need to move but why a residential home ?

I have a friend who is in an electric wheelchair her daughter lives with her but she wizzes about by herself on the buses and local trains . They do go out together in the car . But she values her independence and feels her daughter needs her own life as well.

I am lonely but only for my husband. My daughter lives close by we do see eachother and my grandsons. But we both have busy lives . Recently she had to rush me to walk in centre and hated being dependant on her . Unfortunately I can lose my speech.

Moving would give you a new life but you have to make the effort to find things to do . I go on holiday by myself via the train with travel assistance and stay in premier inn as they have accessible rooms for walking and wheelchair disabled.

By your mobility do you mean because of your body or lack of transport?

Were we not fortunate having found our other half, the trouble is you can never think of another relationship because only they would do, so we do get lonely. We owe it to ourselves to
make the best life we can. It’s what our partner would want. I forced myself to do things like Whiff did although it was much harder for her. I don't think things are ever the same but we can eventually make a different one which is good.

I'm new to being alone. My lovely husband died three months ago.
All of your thoughts and experiences are very encouraging.. so thank you ladies

Ah Winniewit Im so sorry. I know what you’re going through. It’s such a lonely time.
Do you have any family close by?