Unwanted comments

Blooming laptop!
I think she was completely correct and summed up bereavement perfectly.

When my husband died in a hospice, one of the nurses said ‘it’s really shit isn’t it’. I h

Yes people can be extremely insensitive. If they had experienced Shelflife what it was like to care for a loved one 24/7, they would have some understanding that a time comes when the care they need has to be provided Professionally because as a Carer you have gone as far as you can. Nobody has a right to question your reasons and your Friend may well find out for herself one day what it is like to be physically/emotionally drained and permanently tired. Not only was your Mum an amazing Woman you were an amazing Daughter too.

People open their mouths before engaging their brains . My Mum lived alone for many years after my father died , a hour and a half away from us. We visited regularly and helped her us many aspects of her life. Following a small stroke she came to live with us , it worked well , my Mum was an easy lady and my DH never ever complained! She was with us four years during which time I gave up a part time teaching post in adult education to care for her. Attended to her medical needs etc etc. Never regretted it! However age took its toll , dementia set in . Our youngest child was 10 years old and the situation became extremely difficult! Cutting a very long story short we placed Mum in care - something I never expected to do. A 'friend' questioned my reasons for my decision saying " how could you do such a dreadful thing to your mother- I would never have done that " It was hard enough to make that decision and I was emotionally and physically very tired at that time.Her words are still in my head many years later ! People should think long and hard about what they say. My Mum was an amazing woman who taught me about the things in life that really matter. We were lucky and had a sound relationship , I loved her dearly and think of her every day. A good mother and loving grandma.
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Oh MissAdventure, how absolutely stupid a supposedly intelligent man can be. I hope that you were able to change doctors at very least with a whole separate issue of reporting him.Which would require more energy than I imagine you could summon at the time. Your colleague was as inadequate as many are when meeting a bereaved person for the first time since their bereavement.

Maw’s dear Paw had the right idea with his expression of “engage brain before opening mouth.

I’m probably as inadequate as anyone else when speaking to someone for the first time after their bereavement but at least I try to put myself in their shoes.

When I returned to High School after my younger brother's death from leukaemia, my Art teacher, a mature man, asked me if it (leukaemia) was " in the family ".
I was 13 years old and had not heard this phrase before, but it terrified me for years and I was afraid that my children would develop leukaemia too.
I did not tell my parents because I didn't want to hurt them, because from my teacher's attitude I thought it was something to be ashamed of.
Many years later, when I was in my 50s, I shared this with a Bereavement counsellor, and she cried.

I had a weird comment from a doctor too when my dad died suddenly. As they were quite remote & no air ambulance in those days, the GP got there first.Dad died before reaching hospital & the GP called back round a few hours later. When he saw I was there he said 'you should have been here, it was very dramatic'. To this day I don't know whether this was insensitive or intentionally nasty. Such a strange thing to say!

It's likely we have all said things that have made us feel we want the ground to swallow us up; the sad truth is that when bereavement happens, words are never enough - it has always seemed to me that whatever you say sounds trite. Currently a dear friend is living with a terrible situation as one of her loved ones is dying, and cannot last much longer. I just can't express how sad and sorry I feel, and have been reduced to squeezing her hand, giving her a hug if appropriate, and offering her tea - I'm afraid to speak of her suffering for fear of hurting her even more. Probably that insensitive person didn't mean to be hurtful - as several posters have said, it's the blurting out of 'anything', the first thought in their heads, as they don't really know what to say.

chocolatepudding ? for you too.

Oh MissA ?
Intelligence isn’t a bar to insensitivity then.

Some people just don't think before they open their mouths! A slightly different story but my first baby girl died suddenly when she was only 7 months old. The number of people who said "Oh dear well you can always have another one" as if I was a small child who had lost a doll. It taaught me to always think before saying the wrong thing.

My friends husband died in the summer and she has been asked when she is moving out of the big house.

Oh dear, oh dear.

We do really need to talk about death and bereavement and tell people exactly what NOT to say, as well as what TO SAY, don't we?

I understand only too well why you would be hurt by such stupid, thoughtless remarks.

Maw, I believe you once quoted Paw as saying, "Engage brain, before opening mouth!"

Obviously much needed and very good advice, which the Job's comforters quoted here sorely need.

I find it difficult to know what to say to someone I don't know well who has been bereaved. It has happened to a neighbour of mine recently. I hardly know her. I have spoken to her a few times when she's in her garden. I've suggested she can pop over any time for coffee. I find her distant but have no idea if she wants to be alone or would prefer some company. Maybe she thinks she might be intruding on my life and I don't want to appear to intrude on hers. It's difficult to get it right.

I understand the frustration at comments that imply that people are thinking about how others should live their lives. Being surprised that someone hasn't moved house, or taken in an aged parent, or had a second baby, or remarried, or whatever suggests that more thought than is necessary has gone into someone else's business. It's the same with 'I always thought that' Fred was gay, or Sally didn't want children, or they must have won the lottery etc. Why would someone 'always think' about the lives of their neighbours unless they were very bored?

Maybe a raised eyebrow, and an 'So, is there anything going on in your life, then?' comment would get the point across?

Zoejory, I think people are just idealistic and really don't understand how difficult it is to care for someone at home who has complex needs with no respite. They generally have never done it themselves!

I'm sorry others have had awful comments too

Zoejory, I think people are just idealistic and really don't understand how difficult it is to care for someone at home who has complex needs with no respite. They generally have never done it themselves!

I'm sorry others have had awful comments too

I also had a work colleague ask me if I wanted to go shopping a few days after, as she thought it would "cheer me up".

TillyWhiz I am sorry you had to put up with that thoughtless comment. But unfortunately in my experience people think they can say what they like after you are widowed. Also you find out who your real friends and family are. As some disappeared straight after my husband's funeral.

I speak from bitter experience. My husband died in 2004 aged 47. I found where I used to live some people who we had known for years felt as if they had the right to comment on my life without the love of my life or ignore me.

I stayed where we lived as I had both parents and mother in law still alive. And only moved house 2 years ago to live closer to my children after they all died.

This may seem strange but I got my identity back . I didn't realise I had lost me . People here know me not wife then widow or kids mom etc.

It was so lovely not having to put up with either people ignoring me after my husband died or those that expected my grief to end after 6 months.

Unfortunately my mother in-law was one of those people. Who told people she had no son or grandchildren. But because my husband asked me to look after her I did.

For me grief never ends . I miss my husband more each day you just learn to cope better.

I used to feel as if I had widow stamped on my forehead. Even though I have always worn my wedding ring.

In the early years I put up with the comments but one day I decided enough was enough. I made comments back. You should have seen the look on people's faces. I never had to bother with them again.

I have written a lot on the pain of lose thread along with others there. Some of what we have said may help you. ?

I had my elderly doctor tell me that he knew how I felt when my daughter died at 35, because he had lost his mother recently.
He went on to tell me I was selfish to want my girl back, because why would I want her to come back and be suffering.

Take heart tillywhiz - when my husband died last year my neighbour said to me "oh well at least it will halve your shopping bill in the future" I was stunned. Just what I didnt want to hear,

Ooh Zoejory that sounds like an awful situation for you to manage.

People can be rude without meaning to be

When my much loved mother ended up in a Nursing Home, her neighbour, (who had been neither use nor ornament whilst caring for Mum at home) chimed up that she was surprised my sister hadn't taken her in.

It's bad enough living with the guilt but my mother had to be removed from her property for her own safety. She set fire to the house twice, Fell in the garden pond twice, ( we had that filled) and ended up becoming a dirty prisoner if you get my drift.

She was violent. She threw anything and everything.

It was a dreadful time and when this neighbour spouted up with her surprise I could have clocked her. Of course I remained very polite but inside I was seething.

Do what you want and ignore her as suggested have a name for her in your head that is funny.
My mother knew my father was ill for a long time and moved into a bungalow which was fine for him
She lived for another 10+ years, only to be hounded to start with by a near neighbour who wanted to buy it. and complained about the garden etc.
We went to a solicitor and he suggested the house was signed over to family and they dealt with the garden, finances etc.
When the neighbour complained she told them it was not her house.
She sounds like one of those people who has nothing to do in her life but aggravate people, sad really.
Get on with your life enjoy it and follow your own plans you'll know if and when you want to move until then enjoy yourself.

But what on earth is 'proper grieving'?!