Sunday, bloody Sunday!

Trisher don’t think for a moment I haven’t built a “new life “ for myself or that I don’t do what I want when I want- none of that “housework routine” of our mothers’ generation.
If I want to drink Bucks Fizz and eat smoked salmon and Eggs Benedict for breakfast I do. Or read a book all day or binge watch box sets or Netflix.
But it doesn’t actually take away the pain, just numbs it for a while at best.
All your suggestions are kindly meant and I thank you, but that was not what I was talking about.
Those who “get it”, will get it, and those who don’t, won’t.

I'm divorced and have been for many years. I don't know how it feels to lose someone who has loved you for most of your life, I do know it is hard sometimes to be on your own. But I agree with geekesse you have to begin to build a life for yourself and do things which make you feel better and it may be something like a special breakfast (good coffee and fresh baked croissant for me), listening to a radio programme or watching TV. I think one of the difficulties for us older people is that we still have voices in our heads dictating what we can do and when. So we think we shouldn't watch TV in the daytime, but an afternoon spent catching up with a series not only passes the time it makes you feel better. A little self indulgence is called for I think. I don't expect it to completely alleviate your loss, but it may help a little.

geekess, are you saying I am parading my sorrow!

I find that remark obnoxious in the extreme. I have nothing more to say.



,

I get monumentally fed up with people who parade their sorrow as if it’s some kind of status symbol. The OP did not, I note

Thank you for that geekesse
Let’s let this go now, but it hardly needed pointing out that being an OP on the Bereavement forum. , I should have thought the context obvious,
Anyway, enough of that- Monday tomorrow-hurray!

Merlot, it's not the same but lots of us are wishing you well. Especially your 'old' friends!

Thank you for accepting it.

Urmstongran

Please accept my very sincere apologies geekesse for what I said earlier. I realise hurt your feelings and for that I am genuinely sorry.

Thank you for this gracious apology.

NannyDee, the OP asked ‘Does anybody else find Sundays the worst when you are on your own?’

There’s nothing there about how awful bereavement is, or how sad it has been to watch a loved one die. Lots of people spend Sundays on their own, for all sorts of different reasons: estrangement from families, self-isolation because of Covid, bereavement, divorce, social anxiety, disability, for example. Some cope ok, and some are very unhappy. The cause of their aloneness has little to do with how well they cope. Some of the people who have the saddest back stories manage to be positive and upbeat; some of the loudest moaners have small cause to whinge.

I get monumentally fed up with people who parade their sorrow as if it’s some kind of status symbol. The OP did not, I note.

Hugs for all the sad and lonely tonight. We have nearly made it through another Bloody Sunday.
Merlot sorry to hear you are unwell. Hope everything goes ok tomorrow and you are soon on the mend.

Please accept my very sincere apologies geekesse for what I said earlier. I realise hurt your feelings and for that I am genuinely sorry.

If my DH and I had divorced he would, hopefully, still be in contact with his dearly loved children and grandchildren. I would not have watched him battle a terrible disease for the last 3 years or see him cope with extensive surgery and chemotherapy. I would not have watched someone I had been with for over 50 years die in front of me. Yes, divorce must be terrible but the loneliness and desolation now is the worse thing I have ever known.

Let’s not have a scale of aloneness, whether divorce or bereavement, even if I tend very much to the latte .
It is almost impossible to imagine watching the man you have loved and shared over 50 years with, slip away, to give him a final kiss and to witness and share the searing grief of your children. There is no rehearsal for bereavement .
Anger is a destructive emotion and I imagine it features prominently in most divorces, but the final emptiness of death something else.
Like most of us here I have seen my parents die, but also lost a son and now a husband. I cannot imagine the pain of knowing he loved someone else or indeed of inflicting that same pain. So let us not fall into the trap of comparing them, all comparisons are odious.

Urmstongran

With the greatest respect geekesse I don’t think divorce (which might have been cathartic on some level - or definitely for one of the couple) can be compared with bereavement - which is a devastating loss of someone much loved who is never coming back, who loved the bereaved and through sad circumstances had to be the one to leave first.

This comment makes me very angry and I wonder if you wrote it for effect. Divorce can be devastating as it can involve rejection as well as loneliness. Friends often desert you and if you’ve no family it’s a very dark place. Bereavement leaves a person alone yes, but still - hopefully - knowing they were loved and not left. Friends are often very caring with the bereaved. Whatever, each persons loneliness is theirs alone and not to be compared as ‘not as worthy’ as anothers.

Urmstongran

With the greatest respect geekesse I don’t think divorce (which might have been cathartic on some level - or definitely for one of the couple) can be compared with bereavement - which is a devastating loss of someone much loved who is never coming back, who loved the bereaved and through sad circumstances had to be the one to leave first.

Who decreed this ridiculous hierarchy of singleness with the bereaved at the top, divorcees much lower, and the never-married at the bottom?

Making grand assumptions about a specific divorce as compared to a bereavement, without any knowledge at all of the circumstances or people involved, is crass. I find it a grossly offensive response to my post, which was intended to offer a sad poster a way forward.

Instead of getting wistful about what you don’t have, make it into a day of things you do have. Try to fill the time on Sundays with things that make you feel good, doing things you enjoy and being a little self-indulgent.

I do that for the rest of the week!

With the greatest respect geekesse I don’t think divorce (which might have been cathartic on some level - or definitely for one of the couple) can be compared with bereavement - which is a devastating loss of someone much loved who is never coming back, who loved the bereaved and through sad circumstances had to be the one to leave first.

Aw, how sad. I live alone after divorce since the kids left home, but I love Sundays. I lie in bed listening to the radio till the start of The Archers, then get up and have a nice breakfast while I listen to that. I potter around doing weekly chores - washing, changing the bed, unload and load the dishwasher, pausing for cups of tea with a biscuit or a slice of cake, and watch a TV film in the afternoon. If it’s a nice day, a long walk blows the cobwebs away. I always cook something interesting for supper, then prepare my stuff for Monday morning before I go to bed.

Instead of getting wistful about what you don’t have, make it into a day of things you do have. Try to fill the time on Sundays with things that make you feel good, doing things you enjoy and being a little self-indulgent.

..but how I miss the other half of me giving me a hug and whispering, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll be fine,’ just as I did for him so many times.

Merlotgran, I know so well what you mean. I know it can never be right, not the same thing at all, but here's a cyber (((hug))) which I hope will help a little bit. Wishing you all the very best and a successful outcome tomorrow.

It’s a slightly different situation, but I have become friends with a number of people who live alone, some of them have been widowed and some of them have a learning disability and/or a mental health problem. They find Sunday is the low point of their week because ‘normal’ life is disrupted and they feel (because they are!) isolated. I often felt cross (pre-COVID) as their church-going neighbours and acquaintances would rarely invite them to join in a meal or have them round for tea.

If I say that we’ve always done this it may seem like ‘virtue signalling’ (how I hate that phrase), but really I can testify that some of these people have genuinely enriched our lives and so it’s not entirely an altruistic thing to do. It isn’t rocket science to put a couple of extra meals on the table or invite someone on an outing or just to ‘hang out’, yet I often hear, ‘Oh you’re so kind GA, I couldn’t do that’. I used to bite my tongue, but now I’m inclined to respond with, ‘Oh yes, you really could if you chose to!’

I’m getting slightly feisty in my old age.

I'm not sure if I've already recommended them MawB, but the WAY UP website was a lifesaver for me five years ago - and many 'WUPPERS' do organise walks etc for Sunday as most of us find it the worst day of the week. I wish someone, anyone, had invited me to Sunday lunch, it is the day I feel most alone knowing that others are sitting around the dining table.

I am sorry I didn't notice it was on the bereavement thread. So sorry to intrude.
I have to wish Merlotgran good luck for tomorrow now I am here though.

Btw, I’m not bereaved, but divorced. I’m sorry, I should not have posted here....

Totally agree Maw...and especially gloomy Sundays like today... if daughter is in a good mood, she invites me over for lunch. But, today, she must be either busy or in PMT ?
Merlotgran, All the best for your procedure tomorrow .......do keep us posted.

I agree MawBe that Sundays are a weird type of day. Dear late husband used to work Sunday-Thursday so they've always been a challenge but now are so much worse, especially if they precede a Bank Holiday.

I coped by changing my routine. I often go for a solitary drive if the weather is fine (mainly to keep the battery topped up) and then straight on to the weekly shop. It's a bit quieter than Friday/Saturday and is bearable. During the summer months I mow the lawn and then sit back with the knitting or the newspaper.

It's keeping busy which helps but it has to be said that there's a different 'feel' to Sundays which I can't quite put my finger on. I try to remind myself that there are others who are worse off and that there are people in the world who care for me but it's difficult sometimes.

Good luck merlot - hope it all goes well tomorrow.

I have been for a few medical things since my OH died and it is hard to be without the person who would understand - not that the poor man understood very much during his latter years. The support of my DDs is very precious to me, but, as others have said, it is not like having your life's partner propping you up.