Supporting my daughter in law

When my husband lost his mum, my parents (his in laws) were just generally helpful in terms of practicalities, he so appreciated it. He stayed at their house for a couple of days whilst she was dying as our house was full of relatives, they supplied coffee endlessly and meals for anyone who was around. I realise it's very different with covid but it was the practicalities that helped. You have both lost someone you loved I think you will find a way to look after each other. I am sorry for your loss.

The important thing is to do something rather than just offering. Take her some home cooked food, give her something for the garden that can commemorate her mother. Are there children involved? Perhaps you could take and fetch from school or have them over a weekend. A strange thought but buy her piece of jewellery she can wear to remind her of her mum?

I think one of the most helpful things you can do is visit or catch up with her in person in the months following loss - when most other people have disappeared.

We can share a bereavement, but grief can affect us in different ways.
You are grieving the loss of a friend, so speak about her and what she meant to you to DIL but don't overwhelm her, allow her to grieve the loss of her mum in her own way.
When my ex died during Covid my daughter set up a memorial page on a web-site and I found that very comforting as I couldn't go to the funeral either.
People posted photos, lit candles and wrote personal messages and memories as well as donating to charity.
We all found that really made a difference to holding the usual services/wakes etc.

I agree grief affects us all in different ways. Some people find comfort in tokens of remembrance, to others they are a knife in the wound. Something that brings pain but can’t be thrown away.

Some want to talk about their grief, others want to be distracted from it. I was grateful to the friend who said “Do you want to talk about your Mum or shall ai just talk about rubbishy things.” I said, “Rubbish, please” and she just prattled on. For a bit I didn’t have to think.

Best to ask what will help, I think rather than rely on your own ideas.

I'm not sure of DiL's situation obviously but, if there are practicalities such as packing up DM's clothes or picking up one of the many lesser 'admin' things there are to do (getting in touch with DM's local social groups for example) or looking after DiL's children, if she has any, when needed, if you are able to help, I'm sure that would be appreciated. I felt swamped by having to decide what to do with possessions, and the time it took, but SiL's help was such a relief. That was pre-covid though and sometimes it's really not possible to do anything much. So sorry for your loss.

I agree with cafeaulait

I read an article recently about “ring theory” which many people find helpful to deal with grief or trauma within a family. I’m rubbish at tech so not sure how to link, but google will show the basics.

It’s pretty much a set of concentric circles with the person most affected at the middle, then extended family, friends etc as the outer rings - the person in the centre ring can vent outwards and those in the outer rings only give support back into the centre. So it’s vent out, support in - I found it really interesting and thought it might help here. My condolences on the loss of your friend OP.

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I am a bit concerned about the link at the end of Meredith's post so I have referred it to GNHQ.