Best friends loss

Oh dear Lord , how do you cope with this kind of loss? So tragic - to Purplestar’s friend and all going through such unimaginable loss, my heart aches for you

Not quite the same scenario but a friend's young son was in hospital having cancer treatment.
Rather than random phone calls I suggested, and she agreed, that I'd phone her every week on Sunday evenings. Obviously she could phone me in between if she wanted to.
Afterwards she said it had really helped to have some structure to her week and to know that I would be phoning.

So sad for your friend and for all the bereaved parents on here.

Oh dear Lord - how do you cope with such loss....to all who are dealing with such unimaginable pain, my heart aches for you

Start by telling your friend what you have told us here and it never does harm to be honest and say that you really have no idea what you could possibly do or say that might help her, but if she knows of anything she would like you to do, then she is very, very welcome to phone.

And keep in touch. It can be very difficult for the bereaved to phone or write saying that they are miserable, furious, want to talk about their loss.

If you get the sort of answer many of us do, "Oh, I' m all right, life has to go on" just acccept it. The day will come where she will be able to tell you if she isn't coping

If appropriate, tell her that you are praying for her,

Lost my adult daughter 20 months ago and there isn't a day goes by that I can just crumble. Nights are awful still. I know I just couldn't speak to anyone about her for a good 3 months without being tearful. For your friend let her know she can contact you anytime and for anything. Contact her as you would normally but be sensitive to her perhaps not wanting to talk other than saying she is fine. Very difficult with Covid restrictions but perhaps may be a benefit as your friend could just want to be left without having to meet people. You are a good friend thinking how best to support her.

I'm sorry to everyone on here who has lost a child x
I think OP, write her a letter inside the sympathy card and say you are there is she needs to talk but I do agree to call her anyway, even if she doesn't call you. Ask if she wants to go a walk or to a cafe (no covid permitting) and just be there, like others have said some people actively avoid you when you are suffering a bereavement, so just being you and being a friend is often enough in all honesty

I lost my 44 year old son out of the blue. Never had a days illness apart from an annual man cold! He got up in the middle of the night and had a fatal cardiac arrest. Most of my friends, but not all, rallied round. The one I found most comforting was a friend who asked what she could do. I said can you send me a wee email everyday just telling me about ordinary every day things. When you get a shock as you have had sometimes just ordinary chit chat gets you out, however briefly, from the unreality of the foggy mental state that you are in. I send love and hugs. I know what state you are in. Xxx

So sorry to read of your sad losses. Hopefully a note to our friend telling her you are thinking of her and she can contact you at any time will help - maybe send flowers - or a plant or rose for the garden later. Memories do help ease the pain. Don't be frightened to recall a happy time or event that you shared. Th awful times we are in seem to make things seem even worse. Hugs to you all.



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Oh what heartfelt sad, sad stories my heart goes out to you all that have lost adult children, it’s not suppose to be that way
All I can say is everyone finds a different way to get beyond their initial grief, let her lead you as to which way is right for her, if she wants to talk, listen, if she’s wants practical stuff, offer, if she wants silence, give it, but let it be known to her that you will do whatever she wants
Love and a hug for you all that have lost their children x

Franbern, and all other bereaved parents; my heart goes out to you all. Nothing else I can say......

Condolences firstly.
Some nice flowers for Mum a nice book a card but not sympathy just a card to say you’re by her side and talk to her if she feels up to it. I found that people don’t talk about the person for fear of upsetting the bereaved. I always think what would I really like then do it. A extravagant box of hot chocolate for comfort x

I think you can only take your lead from your friend. If she wants to talk, let her. If she doesn't, don't push it.
On more practical matters, can you arrange some nutritious meals to be delivered so if she doesn't feel like cooking, there are things she can just pull out of the freezer? Does she have a partner who can give you some ideas?

I’ve been in a similar situation to several people on here when my 25 year old son - fit and healthy - died suddenly. The people who helped most were those that I knew were just ‘there’ if I needed them. I also got great comfort from reading messages online and in cards etc reminding me of some the things he had done and enjoyed in the past. Some I knew about and some - from friends - were new to me but they all gave me great comfort. I still look at them sometimes when I feel in need of a good remember and often a little cry. Knowing that others are missing your loved ones too gives a sense of connection and not being in it in your own. I’ll be thinking of you and your friend in the coming days. My love to you both from afar. Xx

I was going to say the same as Maybee70. Also take the initiative to call her once a day or so tell her it's just so she knows you're thinking about her and she doesn't have to stop and chat if she doesn't feel like it yet.

As others have said, condolences to you and your friend. I agree with Dippy that a vague ‘ call me any time’ is not as comforting as contact from you. I do think that a text is less intrusive, and does not require a response there and then, if at all, but lets her know you’re thinking of her.
My dear friend’s daughter died suddenly almost ten years ago, and to this day we have never spoken about it, except for her saying ‘ before it happened’, or something like that. We communicated by card and ( short) letter for the first few years, as she would always reply that she wasn’t ready. We’ve now graduated to phone calls, and had met for lunch a few times pre-covid.
Everybody’s different, so you’ve really got to take your lead from her.
A sad situation.

Purplestar how horrible for both of you. I would just say, do SOMETHING...write, put flowers on her doorstep, make a casserole, freeze it, then deliver it. The worst thing is to do nothing. This is not the moment for humour but I will just say that a friend and I who were suffering because of the lockdown put our hooded coats on back to front and hugged long and hard with our padded hoods over our faces. We both live alone and human touch is what we missed. It was so comforting.

One of my oldest friends lost her adult son to an accident and has said that she gained some comfort from people speaking to her about him and not avoiding the topic.

Keep in touch with your friend ensuring she knows that you really are (as opposed to just saying but not meaning it) there for her whenever she needs you.

On a practical level, if she lives close to you could still leave meals on her doorstep (I defy anyone to forbid this) perhaps incorporating exercise or shopping. I see that you don't live in the UK so Covid protocols may be different. I don't suggest you break your local laws but perhaps temporarily and safely bend them a bit...

Ensure your friend knows that you can rage, shout and cry and you will still be on the end of the 'phone, day or night.

I can vividly remember my friend ringing to tell what had happened to her wonderful son and my legs giving way with the room spinning.

I can't imagine how you, who have suffered such losses, must have felt/still be feeling.

Sending love to you all.

I am so sorry for their, and your loss. I'm not sure if they are in the UK and you are not or if you are all in the same country. Either way - phone and if friend wants to talk let her talk. If she seems distracted ask if it would be more convenient for her if you called another time. Don't wait for her to contact you as often the bereaved 'don't like to be a bother'

The world is a cruel place. PurpleStar, I went through this not so many years ago when the daughter died when my friend of nearly 60 years was in her 90's. At the age my friend was she didn't sadly do very well even for all her cheeriness over the years. We spoke on the phone but she was never the same and died a couple of years later herself.
There was an awful " chain reaction " of deaths to follow in the family not long afterwards which left me numb.

Then the death last year of my GD's partner, father of their 7 children and the chaos that followed just about drained me.

My lovely friend who we shared everything together and had the most memorable holidays , to see her reduced to a demented being was the worst thing ever after losing her daughter. I've been lost without her ever since as close friends are a rarity.

Best advice I had when my dad died. I told a friend that mom kept refusing our offers of lunch, outings etc. He said keep asking & she will accept when she feels ready. And she did.

What heartbreaking stories - surely there can be nothing worse than to lose a child. I watched the programme about Suzie Lamplugh recently and felt so much for her poor parents, dying without knowing what had happened to her. You can only be available for your friend, and always ready to listen - that's the best we can do right now, and probably the best we can do at any time. We probably all know what a comfort it is to be able to pick up the phone and talk to someone who understands.

Its always good to hear from those who have experienced things like this. We want to help but afraid we will do the wrong thing so to hear your experience is really helpful...thank you

These posts are heartbreaking, how cruel the world can be at times. I’m so sorry to everyone who has gone through a parent’s worst nightmare.

Ime of other people’s losses, it’s never wrong to make contact, (unless of course you’ve been told not to get in touch). Contact has never been rebuffed, be it a phone call or a card or note.

It might not be for everyone but a friend who lost her nine-year-old to illness says that people just saying her child’s name in conversation is a comfort to her, a reminder that her daughter lives on in people’s memories.

Thinking of you all. Xxx

My daughter died four years ago at age 42. One of my friends rang me every evening at 8pm. Sometimes I didnt want to talk, other times she just listened to me while I talked about my girl. Gradually I didnt need her daily support, but I have never forgotten how much those phone calls meant to me during the dark days after my girls death.
So I would say ring your friend on a regular basis, you dont have to think of special things to say- just listen to her.

Perhaps later on you could buy her a lovely rose bush for her garden or a plant the her daughter loved and send to her. It is so difficult at the moment I know xxx