Pressure to be there...

There is a theory that people will die when the relative is out of the way.
Some say that no matter what the state of mind of the dying person there is something that lets them wait until the close relative is not in the room.

As for the home judging you, I doubt that they are.
Perhaps you are finding a focus by thinking you are being judged to get you through these early hours of loss?
When recently bereaved sometimes we distract ourselves to soften the blow.

Please accept my deepest sympathy. I know the Mum that you once had ‘died’ several years ago but today, you know she has truly gone. It’s sounds as if you have been a dutiful and loving daughter. You have absolutely no need to feel judged, you loved and cared for your Mum, your family and yourself, not an easy feat. Take time, mourn the Mum you love and who loved you and hopefully, given time, you will be able to put the past 11 years into a box and remember the good times before the dreadful disease of Alzheimer’s entered your lives.

Deepest condolences on the loss of your Mum. Please stop feeling guilty - you did so much for her that no-one has the right to judge you for anything you do to take care of YOU - and I am sure no-one ever would, having witnessed the loving care you gave her while she was still with you

Take care Mamissimo. I am sorry for your loss, but please try not to feel guilty. You have been a very caring daughter and I am sure that the people at the home will not have been judging you. ?

You have nothing to beat yourself up, your mother is now at peace, I missed my dad passing in almost the same circumstances, I'm convinced they know how much they are loved even when they don't recognise us anymore

I lost my dad 30 years ago had 100miles dash with my mum and sister to the hospital only to get there and be told a failed by pass operation what a journey back/1 year later umj had2 strokes whci she got through and the some time later had to go 150 miles to have a by pass and several weeks recovering.throughout the next 15 year in and out of hospital. Finally rush to hospital got phone call about 20 miles s away on arrival told she had gone, devastating.that was 10 years ago still fell the loss today
everyone deal with this in their own way time is a healer .

I agree with Anniebach:

"Beating yourself up, guilt even when there shouldn’t be does creep in when suffering a bereavement, I am sorry you are suffering the loss of your mother.

Hugs x"

Please accept my sincere condolences and please be kind to yourself

condolences,Mamissimo,and don't worry,you did your best.In my case,it was my husband who was in the care home,he died of cancer 8 weeks ago.I was with him at the end,but I only just got there in time,it was my Granddaughter's 1st Communion that day and I wanted to see her.
I was judged for "putting my husband in a care home",but you have to be in that situation to understand,and it's not the easy life that people think.I visited often and also tried to make a life for myself,you have to do ,you can't spend your life never going anywhere in case you're needed.

Your mother knows you tried...take no notice of what anyone else says. Her soul flies free x Hugs for you x

Agree with Apricity: people often just slip away when you're not in the room. Even if you'd got back from Wales, there's no guarantee that you would have been with her in the moment. You've been a good daughter. Let her go.

So sorry to hear of your mother's trials and tribulations. She didn't know what was going on, and you couldn't do anything for her at her end.
This feeling is just a part of the shock and grief you feel. Forgive my bluntness, but now is the time to think about the future, and get on with rest of your life.

Dont beat yourself up about it ...does no one any good. You were there for her when she was alive and you can take comfort from that fact. Some families put a great emphasis on everyone being there at the end ...some not so. My husband's late mother died and my husband was called (we lived in Spain at the time) he had just had a replacement knee and could not travel. We had been to see his mother a few weeks before his op ...but even though the family knew this, they called him all sorts and cut him off totally. No one has spoken to him since ...that was some 15 years ago ! I could not get to the hospital on time when mylovely dad died ....was called in the middle of the night on New Years day .....no car, no trains running (lived 200 miles away) Got there as soon as I was able to the next day. Would have liked to be there but as the doctors at the hospital said he would not have known if you were there or not .......I feel the same for when I go !! Try not to dwell on it, but instead remember the happy times ...I am sure he would understand

My sincerest condolences. Please, don't feel guilty. As your mother hadn't recognised you for five years due to Alzheimer's there is no way she would have known you had you been with her when she died.

My mother died 15 minutes before I got to the hospital and as she had been in a coma for weeks, I consoled myself with the fact that she would not have know whether we were there or not.

My father was in command of all his faculties, but died five minutes before we arrived at the nursing home, he had understood we were coming, so I felt he had chosen to slip away before we got there to save us a distressing scene. Nonsense? Perhaps, but quite probable knowing my father who detested "fuss and bother".

Take time to grieve, we all have only one mother to loose, even although some, like you, loose her twice, due to her not having been able to recognise you for so long.

Now she is free of all her trials, so I hope you can feel glad of that. Allow yourself to be glad that you no longer need worry about her. I am sure the mother you knew before her illness would not want you to feel guilty, and you certainly have no need to.

I am so sorry for your loss and I am sure the home do not think badly of you. I had a similar thing when my mum died, I hadn't been away from home and her for weeks, went away for a short break having put care in hand and she died four day later, other people said to me it wasn't unusual.

So sorry for your loss Mamissimo, but don’t be hard on yourself, you did your best for your Mum.

I hope the comments here will make you feel less conflicted and that you now feel that you don't have anything to blame yourself for.
For once they seem pretty unanimous which may be a first!

You are bereaved - be gentle with yourself. You did all you could for her , and ask yourself how your Mother would want you to feel now. I'm sure she would not want you to be in this frame of mind when you have been a good and loving daughter.

I'm sorry that you feel the home judges you and sorry to hear about your mum, however, your mum woudn't have known you were there anyway, so you have to be pragmatic and ignore any comments or 'atmosphere'.
It's all water under the bridge and you will have enough on your plate dealing with all the legalities of her passing.
Stay strong

Good lord, think of all the people who never get visitors! You had 11 years of this and just cos you weren't there at the end is no reason to feel guilty. I have read that sometimes people wait till they are alone (or at least no relatives) to 'go' as if they feel the time is right.

My grandmother and mother both died in our absence and both times I remember the nursing staff telling us they were being washed at the time, but somehow I have my doubts. They say that for comfort. No harm done if it's true.

Is the home judging you really or is it your own sense of (totally unnecessary) guilt? If they are judging you they have no justification! You have been a caring loving and loyal daughter Massimo and you have done everything you can for your mum in a painful and difficult situation. Allow yourself to grieve and try to remember the happier times before your mum's illness

Thank you all so much for your supportive and sensible comments. I’m stronger today because of them. I wasn’t prepared for the wobble yesterday because as a family we have all wanted her to fly free for a long, long time. I’m a really strong and forthright person and thought I had everything sorted and under control. Darned emotions grabbed me from behind. When I’ve finished my gin I will start a new thread about care homes that ‘loose’ your mothers wedding and engagement rings, gold watch.....?

Condolences to you and your family.

As others have said "IF" the Home is judging you it's there issue not yours.

Feeling guilty is part of loss and grieving. Taking care of yourself by resting so that you could travel safely is nothing to beat yourself up about.

Please give yourself a break and be gentle with yourself.

It's not unknown for loved ones to wait until their nearest and dearest have left so they can die without distressing them.

Many people at end of life will allow a carer to be there rather than family. And sometimes, somehow even those of our loved ones who are most loss to us have a way of knowing, can't really explain it other than "knowing".

Take comfort where you can and remind yourself often that you showed your Mum care and love throughout all those years when she needed it most.

Don't beat yourself up I saw many deaths and a lot of these the person died just after rels had gone it was if they had waited for them to go to make their passing easier on their family . Sorry for your loss ?

You should not reproach yourself. You did the right thing by your mother for a long time before this holiday and that is what counts. If your mother had been in a position to give an opinion, she may well have told you not to dash back so soon after arrival in Wales.

I doubt that the staff in the home are judging you. You don't have to see them again after you've cleared out your mother's room so I shouldn't worry about it.