Grief

Thank you for all your messages of sympathy and advice. I have got to sign off now as I work full time and I just didn't realise just how much support I would get from so many people and I really want to answer all your messages. I will return. Thank you again.

I have no answer and can only send my sympathy. I lost my son recently so understand your grief.

As others have said, can you get a third party to talk to him about the situation? He may regret it but not know how to set it right, his pride may get in the way. Try to understand how he sees the situation, even if you disagree with him, only then will you be able to find an appropriate response. Good luck.

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your daughter. My daughter died in February 2016 after a long battle with Breast Cancer which eventually spread to her Brain.
Like you we looked after her 3 children and helped nurse her , and supported my S-I-L as much as we could.
Over the months he has changed into a stranger. He moved house 200 miles from here and has made seeing the children as difficult as possible. He has now met another Lady and she has moved in, and the children are bewildered but have had to accept the situation.
Coming so soon after our daughters death it has been a nightmare. All my efforts at keeping in touch were rebuffed, so finally I did nothing for 3 months. No calls no texts etc. Finally just before Christmas we got a phone call inviting us to have a meal with them while Girl friend was away.
I drove over one afternoon and stayed until 8pm. It was wonderful to see the children.
Since then I have had two phone calls so I'm taking things very slowly and hoping to cling on to some contact with the children.
So all I can suggest is trying to "back off" for a while and see what happens.
I can honestly say I know what you are going through just now- and my heart goes out to you.

If only I could find words of sympathy and advice that would really be of help to you debohun. I can't though, I'm so sorry . But I just want you to know how very, very sad I feel for your situation, and I really hope that time will heal the rift between you and your SiL and you are able to see your GC again

I am so sorry for your loss Nonnie and Kupari45. At this time we just do not have any fight in us. We have left well alone since he sent the christmas presents back to us. My husband lost his sister on the 6th January and I lost a good friend on the 5th January. We are trying to leave things for the time being as you did Kupari45. We do not feel that any apologising from us will help as I think he will just return any letters from us unopened as he did a parcel we sent to the children in mid December we received back 2 days before christmas. The next big step will be the scattering of my daughter's ashes which I am sure he will not invite us to or let us know the location. This could cause a great deal of distress to my other children and they are trying to stay on the good side of him so that they can stay in contact with the children.

please dont assume that because he behaved badly he didn't love your daughter,you have no idea how he felt/feels or what was going on in his head .As I said my son in law can be harsh around my daughter but its because he cant accept whats happened to his bright, funny hard working wife and he's been advised to attend counselling.We all deal with things differently and I've come to accept my SIL's way is not mine or my daughters .Is he a good dad? If he has his childrens interests at heart he will come round,he wont be able to watch them pine for you as well as their mum.Try not to judge him ,,try to make peace ,for the GC's sake

paddyann I know you mean well but myself and my husband know my son-in-law very well he showed us the real 'him' time and time again not only while my daughter was ill but throughout their marriage we just felt that we shouldn't interfere with their marriage and it should be her decision whether to leave him or not and we just said that if ever she made that decision she could live with us with the children until she got sorted. I have no doubts my daughter loved my SIL my doubts have always been as to whether he loved her. This is why he has moved away because he did not want us to see the children and questions would be asked at the school and by neighbours as we had the children all the time and then suddenly we didn't have them at all. He would not even pick up the phone. We have never been able to speak to the children on the phone. Leading up to my daughter's death we had the children all the time they slept over we took them out so that he could have precious time with her when she was in hospital for the last 8 weeks. Suddenly we were surplus to requirements as soon as she passed. If this sounds as if we are bitter you will be right. Feelings are running very high. As for the children he did not concern himself with them whilst my daughter was with us. She had to ask me to accompany her on any outings because he couldn't be bothered. He rarely accompanied her on family occasions and she always had to make some excuse as to why he wasn't there. Of course now he realises that the children are all he has left and he has been more attentive. If he has stepped up as a father then that is a good thing I am really pleased of course. My daughter begged him not to move away he promised her he wouldn't, just one of the promises he made to her which he has gone back on. We are heartbroken, we are grieving so much we cannot forgive him for what he has done to the children. How can any father do that to their children!

I've just read your thread, debohun, and can't add much to the replies above. Thank God we have not yet had to face such a sad situation.
All I can say is, give it time, feelings will change, hopefully for the better. And as paddyannsays
"Try not to judge him ,,try to make peace ,for the GC's sake"

Sorry Fennel at the moment I just can't do anything. I am leaving well alone and hope he comes to his senses but I do not hold out much hope.

No wonder you're heartbroken, debohun. I wish there was some kind of magic wand to make the hurt less.
I don't blame you for feeling angry too.. I'm rambling because I don't know what to say..

Thank you MissAdventure I wish I had a magic wand as well to bring my daughter back to us.

Denounced, I am so very sorry about the death of you beloved daughter. Now you are kept from your grandchildren. You are grieving for your daughter and I think you need time before you do anything. I wish I could help, please look after yourself.

Sorry, should have been Debohun, this inad just changes words after you have typed the correct one.

Thanks Luckylegs9 we just need to get through the next two funerals this month and then my husband has to have an operation as well. We are going to concentrate on these dates I have to put my husband first at the moment.

Just to let you know my husband has come through his operation well. We had my husband's sister's funeral yesterday. Very emotional as it was at the same chapel and same venue for the wake as my daughters. My other daughter got a text message from my SIL to say that he couldn't meet up with her in the half term week as he now has a 'GIRLFRIEND'. So it would seem he has moved on only 9 months after my daughter's passing. My D was beside herself with sorrow to be informed like this in passing in a text message. It just confirms everything I have thought about him to be true. He is very insensitive. I knew this would happen one day but it seems so soon considering he only told my son that he had only just started to grieve for my daughter in December. I really want my grandchildren to be happy and I know they will be missing their mum terribly but I do not want them to forget her and I am afraid this will happen without our family involved with them. What do you think? am I over-reacting?

It never ceases to surprise me how quickly men choose to be in a new relationship so soon after losing their previous partner, especially where children are involved

I think he's trying to fill a space in his life...I have a friend who moved a girlfriend into his house two months after his wife of 25 years died...we were all shocked and her parents were devastated but he said he cant live alone.Never has,went from his mother to his wife and couldn't accept an empty house.I dont think he did the right thing..she was my childhood friend and I missed her and couldn't understant the need to replace her so fast...but...I've spoken to a lot of male friends and most think the same.They would find someone else when their wives died.I must admit I was surprised .I know I wouldn't want to look for someone if my OH died before me ...maybe I'm odd.You just have to accept it and wish him well and hope the children find having his new GF around a help to them .I am so sorry for your loss and this double whammy .You could offer to look after the children to give him and his new GF some time as a couple ....might be a way of getting round him .Sometimes we do things that go against the grain to get the result we want/need.

So pleased to learn your husband is well after his op.

There is no set time for grieving . Your son in law must be lonely and hasn't got over your confrontation with him when your daughter was ill, what ever the rights or wrongs you felt he must have been hurt. Your grandchildren are so young, they need a woman in their life , this must hurt you but it is true .

Our daughters were five and seven when their father died, that was forty years ago. I did have a four year relationship but ended it because my elder daughter didn't want me to marry again. All these years on and following my elder daughters illness and then death last November I now think I made the wrong decisions all those years ago, but I don't know if it was the wrong decision.

Your son in law must live his life as he chooses .

Time will pass, you all have to work through your own grief .

I hope you will be reunited with your grandchildren but it may take time. Difficult as it is try to build bridges with your son in law , for the whole family.

Good idea paddyann and I agree about men moving on quickly. It could be said that as they were happy before they want the same thing again. It's not so easy for the children though.
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter debohun and for all the problems you currently face. Take time to grieve and look after yourself.

I'm so sorry Debohun to read of your daughter's death and the seemingly heartless and insensitive treatment of you by her husband. I can't really add to anything already written but wondered if your other children would be able to mediate on your (and the children's) behalf to try and come to some kind of compromise. If he has no support from his family with the children there may come a time when he needs some from you. If the door is left open at some point hopefully he will ask for help. At the moment though as you've said you need to concentrate on yourself and your husband

Nothing I can add to this other than saying how sorry I am for everyone who has lost someone they love...

Thanks for all your comments. Paddyann I would love to be able to wish him well but any communication from us he treats as harrassment. I do hope that my grandchildren are happy apparently his girlfriend has a daughter also so I hope there isn't going to be jealousies all round. To be honest if I ever met his girlfriend I would tell her to run for the hills as if he treats her like he treated my daughter I wouldn't wish that on any one. I will not be able to offer to look after the grandchildren as we have no contact. He hates us and the feeling is mutual. The only thing that may happen is that he will fall out with his family which is often the case in previous years, and he will want child care so that he can get away with his new girlfriend. This is my only hope but I am doubtful. I knew this day would come but it is still a shock and I feel he is going to try to stop my other children from seeing the children as he tried to provoke my son in December by saying some awful things about me but my son kept his cool thank goodness. Now he has text my daughter this news for maximum impact and to provoke her also into saying something back that will justify him in blocking contact with them. Will this hurt ever stop!

Oops, lost almost finished post, can't find now, grrr! Any suggestions? ( I'm new here!) OK start again.... Husband died at 36, daughter 10, difficult teenager now happily married with 3 girls, 8 and twins of 6 in London, I'm in N Ireland,she's a great mother, I see them once or twice a year but no understanding I have Rheumatoid arthritis, find their stairs hard, been banned from birthday parties as I just "get in the way'. Can anyone empathise or advise in any way? Thanks for reading.