Loss of a child - anniversary drag ...

DS1 2 died "by his own hand" December 12th, 2008, at the age of 19.

Still think of him every day, sometimes it is almost a physical pain, clenching feeling between the chest and the stomach.

phoenix no words can describe losing a child. To lose a child to suicide must be the very worst of griefs. Sending hugs across the ether.

Yes, it is very physical at times - I have felt stupidly tired all day today - and yesterday - and now cannot sleep! Tonight feels like a vigil - not at all planned, but avoiding bed because I don't want tomorrow to begin! Tomorrow is to be got through and then I know the drag will lift once more ... On we go xx

So many poignant thoughts, so beautifully and honestly expressed here. Thank you all for sharing them,
((hugs)) and for all those with sore hearts tonight.
I hope you get some rest tonight imp27 and that things feel a little easier for you tomorrow xx

Imperfect27 No one can even imagine how horrid it must be to loose a child ..

My parents lost my 4 year old brother 24 December I really do not know how they got over that honestly I don't

But they did get on with life but he was never forgotten My Dad would visit his grave regularly, very quietly he would not make a big thing about it I actually never knew he did that.

On my wedding day I didn't do the usuall throw the bouquet over my shoulder, it went on my brothers grave because that is what my Dad wanted so that way he was kind of there..

Only consolation is that they are in a better place, we are religious so we believe that he is with God.

Your daughter wold most definitely want you to be ok

We are all thinking of you at this time and wish you strength. And well done for coming through it and doing your best.

One little last thing, you say if we know someone that has lost a child to speak about them to that person, not sure that is exactly the right advice simply because people grieve in different ways, for some people it might be too hard to speak about and some people cope by burring their head in the sand.

Best wishes to you Hun

I think Imperfect means to allow that person to talk about their child. It's my experience that people look embarrassed and straight away change the subject.

Serkeen thank you.

Faith has made a difference to me I am sure. I saw God as being very present when my DD died. The car following contained two Christian nurses - a married couple - who stopped and cared for my other children and their father before emergency services arrived. The family have kept in contact since and they named their first child after DD1. A car passing in the opposite direction at the moment of the crash was driven by a traffic control officer. He stopped and immediately helped to make things 'safe' too - thank goodness for my other children were in a very vulnerable situation. DD1 would say that was the night she found her faith. There is much more I could say about how God's grace transformed so much pain - that can keep for another time .

I am so sorry to hear about your brother Serkeen -so hard for your parents and the timing , so close to Christmas must have made the anniversary all the more poignant too over the years.

Sometimes, maybe especially when we have a faith, there is almost a pressure to manage well. I can remember several people telling me 'She is in heaven' and feeling 'Okay, but if that is so I probably won't get to see her for another 40 odd years so that isn't really any comfort '

And no, we don't 'get over', but we learn to manage better. Some days are simply harder than others. I think the whole idea of 'getting over' is a hangover of the idea of a 'stiff upper lip', but can be deeply unhelpful. And whilst faith can transform, it still does not take away the raw and real sense of missing a child.

Serkeen you are right that not everyone will want to talk about their loss and it is tricky because I think maybe the bereaved person needs to signal that they are willing to allow others to show support at times - and yet there can also be this catch 22 situation where no-one says anything at all because no-one wants to misjudge the situation.

In my own experience, very few family members /friends ever make any reference to my DD. Siblings will seek to talk about our dear mum and dad who have also died , but not her and with 2 exceptions, no-one speaks of her to me or shows they remember her birthday or anniversary of loss, or asks how I am. I don't think this is unusual though, but it has made me reflect on the poverty of bereavement support generally and the 'silence' that many who are bereaved encounter, especially as the years roll on.

I think 'silence' about loss can happen for a variety of reasons. Speaking generally now, I think, frankly some people are just worried that they themselves will be left in an 'uncomfortable' place where they do not know how to cope, or what to say. Sometimes, people have their own sorrows they are trying to cope with and simply don't have the emotional space to 'take on' someone else's - because they fear they will open the emotional floodgates in ways that they themselves cannot cope with. Sometimes they do not want to say something for fear of upsetting the one who has lost. And for most, losing a child is, thankfully, beyond their own experience so they cannot fully understand and maybe just do not know where to start to offer support. And sometimes I feel a misplaced sense of guilt gets in the way: my children are all ok ... you must resent me! Some do believe that loss has to be 'got over' and that to refer to it isn't helping.

I said in my OP that I am not maudlin and have built a happy life. But it is a sadness to me that there is so much silence and therefore many bereaved people feel there is a lack of support - I have contributed to bereavement forums over the years and time and again it is evident that people feel isolated in their grief.

In the big picture, I know I have 'grieved healthily' and I am 'happy' to talk openly about the loss of my DD. If by being open it can be of help to others - and yes, it is catharsis for me too at times - then it helps to think some good has come out of loss.

My grandchildren see photographs of my lost grandson at my house (their brother and cousin) and ask about him quite openly to me. The first questions simply asked 'who is that?' so I told them. Later they asked questions about what he was like and how sad we were when he died.

His sisters (7, 6) who never knew him, haven't talked to their parents about their brother yet. I know this because I asked my son and DiL.

Those who are able to grieve 'healthily' Imperfect , like yourself, are lucky and yes, it is cathartic.

My youngest child, a son, died suddenly over 14 years ago. He was 25 years old. For the first few years, the family collected together on the anniversary of his death to support each other, then we made the decision we did NOT wish to remember that day. Since then, we celebrate his birthday.
A couple of years before he died the first of his sisters married and I insisted that I got a proper professional photo of all six of my children at that. As the others have got married I have always had a photo of my children, and it is still heart=breaking to see that first one with SIX people and the remainder with just five.!!!
Indeed, someone (kindly meant) offered to airbrush my son into the others - offer refused!!!
Amongst ourselves we talk about him a lot, good things and bad things. The first of the g.children born after his death took his name, in the female form. All our homes have photos of him and all the children know about him.
It seems that he is drifting further and further away with each year. So hard to imagine what he would be like now, what he would be doing, etc. The space in our family can never be filled, but we have got on with our lives.
We are an atheistic family - and none of us feel that religion would have helped in any way. We have always celebrated his comparatively short, but very excellent life.

Franbern, I am so sorry to read of the loss of your son. As you say, the gap in the family is always there, but like you, we take special times to 'celebrate' the delightful person we have lost.

I have struggled with the change from meeting up to support each other and simply be together on the anniversary of death day, to me marking it in more solitary ways, but I think it is probably a natural transition. However, the change has meant that I have felt more alone in grief in recent years.

DD1 did message me and suggest a chat - which we had - on the morning of the anniversary this year and I also saw DS1. DS2 was busy preparing for a close family wedding on his partner's side so I just messaged to send some 'mum love' without drawing attention to the date. But it was not an overwhelmingly sad day, just poignant.

No right or wrong ways about it, just hard in different ways as the years pass. Part of that is indeed realising there will be no new photos and always the sense of them missing family events.

How wonderful that you have a GC with a variation of your son's name - it must be a comfort to know his memory is being upheld in such a tangible way in the next generation.

For some reason which I don't know I decided to look at Gransnet today and the first post I saw was this one. Thank you all.

Our eldest son was found dead a month ago, no obvious reason found so the coroner has called for tests. It may be three months before we get the results and there may have to be an inquest. We hadn't been able to contact him for a week so drove down to his flat and our key wouldn't work so we called the police who broke in. They said it looked like he was getting dressed.

We are not coping. We have so much support from lots of people but it doesn't help. His friends have asked us to keep his Facebook open so they can still talk to him and remember him on his birthday etc. I have tried to save all the lovely comments from them and so far it amounts to a 36 page Word document which we will keep until his boys are old enough to appreciate it.

The vicar said his funeral was the best he had done in 34 years but it was probably the least thought out. We just did what felt natural to us, the hymns just came to me and his brothers did a sort of best man's speech for him. Grown men who had traveled hundreds of miles to be there wept openly.

Apparently our son was kind and supportive to so many people when they had troubles, we didn't know.

I am keeping busy, its my coping mechanism but what do I do when all the chores are done? When his flat is sold and all his things sorted? Maybe I'm scared that the time will come when I don't think of him for a whole day. Sometimes I just can't believe it, it seems so unreal and at other times it is far too real. How does one cope?

Nonnie, my hear goes out to you. In the early weeks, we just 'get through' - and sometimes we just have to work on the next five minutes, or half hour, or half a day. Gradually, over time, the getting through gets more manageable, but we certainly don't 'get over'.

But please, please be reassured that we also don't forget. EVER. At present, because of all the stress and grief you are experiencing, it may feel hard to gather any thoughts of your son that do not bring you pain, but this will change.

I remember I couldn't bring myself to look at photos for some time - such an irony, when you are desperate not to forget, but I think this is common. Nor could I even trust myself to re-run a memory through my brain in case it went wrong or showed something was half forgotten. The rawness and pain of loss is acute in these early weeks and months, it can feel like we are going mad, but it does ease.

When we lose someone suddenly / unexpectedly and, most especially if it is a child - no matter what age - I think we are also plunged into a sense of shock that takes a long time to lift - it can reverberate over many months, so be as gentle with yourself as you can be when you find yourself struggling. You are not 'failing' or 'mentally unwell' - you just have so much to process.

At present , I suspect everything for you feels like a step further away from your dear son. It will change over time. You will find greater equilibrium and you will be able to draw more comfort from memories in time.

I am glad that the funeral was a fitting tribute to your son. I think we felt that with my DD and it is something to look back on and draw from over time. And how WONDERFUL that you heard so much good about what a kind man he was. These are things to cherish in time too.

We had to have an inquest. It happened about 9 months after she died - was dreaded, but was really ok. If you want to ask me anything about process, send me a PM.

My heartfelt condolences to you and your family

This is so sad. You will find many touched by this on here. It's such early days and it really is small steps. If it was an undiagnosed heart condition you might look at CRY ( Cardiac Risk in the Young) website. They offer counselling to family members and you may get answers to those "Why?" Questions. Lots of hugs ?

I'm so shocked and saddened to read this Nonnie

One thing I will say is that you will never forget him not even for a day.

Nonnie

Thanks everyone. I don't know how to keep going.

Nonnie it is so very hard, but there is no choice, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, that probably sounds trite, but the only way is to take each day/stage as it comes. Much love to you and your family.

No there is no choice, you have to keep going. Your DS wouldn't have wanted you to be totally miserable forever, he would want you to be happy and remember him for all his wonderful qualities. ???

My heart goes out to you all - losing a child must be the hardest thing imaginable no matter what age they are. I have a friend who's son passed away 9 months ago followed a couple of days later by his partner. I spoke to her last night and she was full of chatter but said they were going away for the anniversary as she didn't want to be at home. Other than that she didn't mention him. Everyone copes in different ways - another friend's daughter died 4 years ago - they are only able to cope with by visiting her grave daily. She talks about her all the time - there is no awkwardness about it but both couples have drawn comfort from their children's friends remembering and getting together. Both were adults so there are a lot of memories to share.

Nonnie - My first DD died age 7 months, 40 years ago. The first weeks and months are now a blur and we just had to take life one day at a time. DH was studying at university and we were far from home with no telephone so contact with family was rather limited. I still have strong memories of certain events. We moved away and started a new life, buying a house and both having new jobs.
About 20 years ago I was asked by The Lullaby Trust if I would volunteer to help at a charity Christmas card shop to raise funds. I have done this in her memory every year since and in a small way I know it helps the charity.
Five years ago I became a Community First Responder and I do a duty period every week in her memory. The shock of finding my baby and not knowing what to do until the ambulance arrived has never been forgotten.
I hope in time you will find something worthwhile to do in his memory which will give you a purpose to your day.
Here on Gransnet there is a lot of support from several Grans who have suffered the loss of a child so please do read and post.

Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent. There are no words that will bring comfort. Everyone finds their own way on this journey. Do try to take your loved ones, DH and your other sons along with you.

Talk about him, don't clam up and hide behind your own individual curtains of grief, even though that can sometimes feel like the only way.

And yes, if you feel you can keep posting then do so xx

There are some incredible emotions and beautiful words on this thread, it makes my heart sing to read such support between 'strangers' and I mean that in the nicest way, love to you all and my thoughts are with you and your individual situations

Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but can't.
All of that unspent love, gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat and in that hollow part of your chest.
Grief, is just love, with nowhere to go.

I hadn't read this until today, I found reading the OP and the comments have left me feeling a little overwhelmed by the loss people have experienced, their tenderness and support for others.
Thank you for starting this thread Imperfect, thanks to those who responded and Nonnie

Thank you all for your support.

I am scared to go out and meet 'normal' people as once I start talking about it I don't stop and go on and on. I had to go into his office last week to take in birth certificate etc and found myself talking to his boss, who I had met at the funeral and a girl from HR I hadn't met and I went on and on about all sorts of stuff they really didn't need to know. They were lovely with me though.

I haven't even told most of my neighbours, have been avoiding them.

Just come off the phone from the water company who sent a chaser letter because the bill hadn't been paid. I called to ask how they expected it to be when he had been dead less than a month when they sent it. I was told "it should have been paid from his estate". I asked if they had a bereavement team and she hadn't a clue what I was talking about so I asked for her manager.Phone went quiet then a few clicks and I was cut off. Called back and asked for a manager and got one who was "sorry for the inconvenience" I rather expressively told her that the loss of my son was more than 'inconvenient'. Apparently the letter was 'system generated'! So they send such letters to all bereaved customers! I demanded a higher authority and she said that a case worker will call me this morning. I am furious, this is the second one who has referred to my son's death as 'inconvenient'. Maybe they should only have people who were brought up in the UK on these lines so they fully understand what they are saying. This last one was South African. Is death inconvenient in SA?

Sorry rant over.