I'm a bit stuck! What would you do?

I think you need to think about the coming years. Your mum is getting older (aren't we all) and is likely to need your support more as she does so. A 2 hour drive can be a worrying distance if she has had a fall or needs to be taken to a hospital appointment. Your dd and any future grandchildren are young and can travel to you if necessary. I'd prioritise your mum as she ages. Others can wait. As others have suggested you might find somewhere close but not necessarily in the town you grew up in.

Has your brother got a life away from your mum or would you basically be his carer if your mum were incapable of looking after him?

Daisy2 - is your current home somewhere you could place on airbnb for very specific periods of time? If so, you could plan longish periods of maybe two to four weeks in close proximity to your mother, renting out your own house and staying in an airbnb near her. That would not require any financial outlay and it would also give you the opportunity to focus on her whilst at the same time not having to sell your own property.

When my mum passed away I travelled up to stay with Dad for 2 or 3 days every other week.I am so glad I did.We spent hours chatting .I did his shopping and the gardening and generally cleaned round. It was a 2 hour drive ,but it was worth it. I like driving ,so I didn’t find it a chore.I don’t think you really know what you want, give it a try .Your Mum sounds busy, but you could perhaps help your brother.

I was told that you shouldn’t make a big decision within 12 months of a bereavement . Take your time . Stop thinking about it for the summer . Take things as they come . Does she drive ? Could she meet you halfway in a town with a cafe and have lunch . Maybe every 6 weeks or so and every other 3 weeks or so you go to her home . It would get her out of the house .

Daisy25, how close are you to your brother and what are your feelings about perhaps becoming his carer when your mum eventually passes? I would think very carefully about moving as you may well find that you will need the support of your DD yourself in the future. I think the advice of spending some extended time and then perhaps every other weekend when you return to work , with your mum and brother will enable you to give some support to your mum without totally committing yourself is very sound.

Grandmafrench's advice cant be bettered.
Go luck with what you decide.

Having read your post and comments , could I just add a few things that I feel would be good to put into your considerations about moving, wherever you might end up. For yourself it would be worth checking up on public transport and closeness to things such as shops doctors and availability of things that you enjoy such as swimming or whatever. Whilst you are fine driving now , if you are thinking of a long term home in the future, looking to see how you can get around should you not be able to drive etc., is just worth considering, which doesnt mean that you might be fine driving for years, but I think it is easier to think of such things before you actually commit to moving.

sparkle1234

Grandmafrench some super sound advice here . I would do exactly this . A very wise lady .

Agree with Granmafrench. She knows.

Daisy25 … you have been given lots of really good advice here, so I won’t add to it ! But one thing jumped out at me when you wrote ‘ will meet up with Mum more regularly when she can fit me in. ‘ That doesn’t suggest to me that she needs you there ? Of course it depends what she is very busy doing.

First thing is to do it for YOU, not everyone else. Look around at anything that is not quite right and see what there is to fix. I guess that not working is quite a transition - it was for me. So are you planning to work again? Are opportunities/ travel better where you are? If not, then you need to look at what is available for you in the way of leisure etc.

Two hours is not a long drive to see Mum, but perhaps a regular short stay would help her get back into the swing of her pre-bereavement activities and pick up a few more. Being of that age, I have a number of widowed friends and it does take a variable length of time to get going as a singleton, but they are out and about trips and holidays, walks and craft and lunch clubs etc. We have a really active U3A , WI and Trefoil Guild that most of them are never home!

Things change quickly. If you can afford to keep moving you have many more options, but I am guessing that both the cost and the upheaval are a bit much.

Your daughter is being neutral, I guess, but she may appreciate your nearness if children appear, as would you.

And should YOU need support then it is better to be nearer her than your mother.

Your brother is a grown man, and you are not responsible for him, nor should you burden yourself with him, or you will find yourself looking after him in your retirement. (My disabled brother lives 200 miles away, but I provide online and advocacy support without having to clear up around him).

Is it practical for mum to move your way?

Daisy25, would your mother and maybe your brother, consider moving near to you instead of you contemplating moving yourself? Just a thought.

I think your brother and mum could maybe look after each other.

You may regret rushing back if/when your newly married daughter starts having children.

I say this as someone very involved in my grandchildren lives. My sister lives close to mum and although I talk to her every day,she helped with my sisters kids and my sister is paying back now.

I live too far away to help all the time, although I go and stay when my sis goes on holiday.

I prefer to be nearer my grandkids.

Grandmafrench

We know that life changes for everyone, all the time, and we often face situations which are unplanned. You say you had a 3/5 year plan when you moved away to be near a Daughter who is now married and has her own life.

You say you love your current home and local life then also that it used to be wonderful ...... but not so much now?

Your feel that since your Dad passed away, your Mum now needs more support and you'd like to see her more regularly since she also cares for your diabetic (and depressed) brother. But you don't want to move back to where you grew up.

Any future plans or ideas for your Mum will undoubtedly feature your Brother. Is he likely to influence or pour cold water on future plans if they are to involve him? Will this cause stress and uncertainty for your Mother since she doesn't have the clear run that you do?

IMO I feel that since you are so uncertain as to what to do for the best at present, it would be best to do nothing. Not now. Take the freedom from work this summer and think carefully about your own future wants and needs. Maybe make a list setting out what is going to make you happy. Reflect on whether you do actually want to move or whether your concerns for your Mum are affecting your judgment.

You say she's two hours away. So why not, with the benefit of some free time and longer days, make a plan to visit her regularly. Say, every two weeks. Go and stay and see how 'it' makes you feel, how she feels and how you think she is coping. She may be perfectly happy where she is at present but it may be that she could happily be the one to move (along with your Brother?) to somewhere nearer you. That might make you feel less responsible or guilty that you're not helping her more.

Take the time whilst you have the time. It would be sad for you to literally make a wrong move which you come to regret.

Grandmafrench post covers all the bases and possible choices. Have the Summer to yourself and really rest and enjoy it.

Then think again about what to do

Grandmafrench

What a wonder and well-thought out and logical reply.

(You could take over from Dr Tanya Byron in Monday's Times when she wants a holiday break!!)

Everything you wrote is spot-on and I hope the poster follows your advice.

(P.S. And if the daughter wants a family then not being near to a grandchild would be an awful wrench if she moved away)
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I couldn’t agree more with Grandmafrench, very sound advice. Most caring people want to make things better for their loved ones, however you should look at this from all angles. Many have jumped in with both feet to meet the needs of others to the detriment of themselves and end up bitterly regretting it, if not resenting it entirely.
You don’t say what support your mum has sought in her grief, or your brother with his mental & physical health issues. For that reason could you not encourage them to seek support for themselves while you consider your own feelings. This in turn can be empowering for them, helping them realise that fundamentally as adults this is their responsibility in the first instance. I don’t want you to think that I am being uncaring I certainly can relate to your plight. Take your time to really assess your needs first, and then the needs of others.

Obviously none of us can see into the future and you don't say how dependent your brother actually is , but is there an option where your mother could move nearer to yourself instead? which may help if she actually became more dependent on you later on in life.

I'm thinking about this scenario:
what happens if your daughter has children, you have moved away from her, she now needs your help and you've already settled somewhere else? It's all very well trying to be supportive to your family but at the end of the day, you need to be happy in your own life. As others are saying, take your time and think about what is also best for you

a couple of questions how old is your brother and does being a diabetic and/or depressed really need being taken care of by someone in their late 70s?

I think an important consideration is how much support will your brother need when your mum is no longer there to look after him. A lot depends on his situation eg will you eventually become his carer in which case either you or he need to move. Perhaps he doesn't need that level of support but it is a consideration.
I wouldn't be concerned about whether your dd is likely to have grandchildren as she seems to have made it obvious that she doesn't need your support.
In the interim as others have suggested perhaps best to stay where you are and visit and stay over on. amore regular basis if you feel that is necessary. It will help you get a clearer picture of what might be needed.

Have you thought about possibly renting your current home and renting somewhere nearer to your Mum?

Or, spending the Summer at your Mum’s or bringing her to stay with you?

Am I right in thinking you’re still working but currently on extended leave?

My advice, is don’t do anything without thinking it through very carefully.

Stay where you are happy, wait and see what the future holds

Dd sounds a bit callous, you shouldn't have moved near her

Not sure if GC are a possibility but if they are you could find yourself very much needed where you are. It would make more sense if mum and brother came nearer you. I do think your siblings should be giving some help however small
Good luck

Lots of good advice OP. If I were you I would visit Mum on a regular basis for the moment. And each time really think about how you would feel moving back and how you feel when you get back to your home.

Where were you planning to move after 3/5 years as PP asked. So that is a year or so away.

Can you help your mum to join a carers group or bereavement group. Has she spoken to her GP...I know that can be almost impossible. Has she other family members to share a bit of visiting her?
Is your brother getting help with his depression? Does he live with her? What is the long term plan for his care?