Oh what to do !

GibralterRock42. Sounds as though you are doing your best for your mum who still has what sounds like quite an active social life.
Can you do things on your 3 or 4 times a month something that you might enjoy as well. Cinema. Theatre. Swim? Spa. Pizza. A book club. A gardening club. Something that involves others so that you don't have to listen to moaning. Involve a grandchild as well occasionally. Or a sibling.
We are only responsible for our own happiness. Don't feel guilty.

I had an elderly relative some years ago who was living in an old people's home. The staff loved her as she was always so cheerful, unlike many of the others. I made up my mind there and then that I would endeavour to be cheerful in old age. I am now 80, in reasonable health, live on my own and am good in my own company. My family live near and sometimes I see a fair bit of them. We are a close family but have our own lives to lead. We do keep in frequent contact via WhatsApp. I can well imagine that if I started moaning it would have an adverse effect on my family.

I am like rowyn - all 3 children and their families live within a 15min drive. I see 2 of them fairly often, about once a fortnight - the middle son, not so. They are all very busy with young children . I’ve got a life on my own. I drive, I meet friends regularly.
I pay for any jobs that need done. That’s the only way.

I'm in my 80s too, and live on my own; Elder daughter and partner ( and children) live in Cheshire whilst I live in Berkshire so don't see them often. Younger daughter lives nearer but has no money and no transport as she has mental health issues.

I wouldn't dream of expecting regular visits, much as its lovely to see them - especially when they can perhaps help me with any challenging jobs that need doing - mowing the lawn, changing a light bulb that I would have to climb on steps to do, teaching me how to use my smartphone etc

I just carry on, as best I can , and wouldn't dream of making them feel they must visit more often.

You are at that difficult transitional stage in your life...50's..teenage children...still working and an ageing parent...We've all been there and it's hard! Only you can decide. It's the moaning that would get me...has she no friends?

I agree 💯 with Pearl30 . Make the most of the time you have with her. Yes she’s cranky and moaning , but use that to have a conversation about her feelings . If your dh or dc were cranky , you’d say , ok what’s going on and you’d try to help them .
Your mother sounds lonely , so maybe arrange a phone rota with your siblings .
I do understand your situation. I’m my mother’s carer , she’s 90 and housebound . My siblings aren’t local and still work, so it all falls to me. We’ve now got dementia to deal with as well . When my mum gets cranky and moans constantly, I do my yoga breathing and change the subject by getting out photos or start the crossword with her .
Good luck

My lovely Mum is sadly end stage dementia and sleeps most of the time. She has become non verbal and doesn't recognise us. She lost capacity overnight in January 2024. She was living independently in a newbuild after downsizing, was taken to hospital with delirium that night and never went home.

One day you may find yourself missing your chats and visits with her. I do, very much. We found she kept a diary of sorts writing down when we visited or called. We also found notes of "didn't speak to anyone today, so lonely".
It must be hard for your Mum and she won't always be there.

My MIL is 98 and still lives independently in a normal house with stairs. I know she’s exceptional.
Encourage your mum to stay as active as possible, 80 isn’t really old. That will help her to stay independent. My husband messages her every morning on WhatsApp. This seems to keep her happy, as we only see her every couple of months as she’s a long way away. She also plays Wordle remotely with other people. Being able to use WhatsApp, texts and emails has helped so much, and so much less draining than phone calls.

When she’s gone, you’ll miss her and how you treated her and how you thought of her will prick your conscience.
Most people have busy lives, but it’s sad when we say we can’t find the time for someone who gave so many years of their life to raise us then help us out with our children, or resent having to give the time to them.
Forget what your siblings do or don’t do - it’s what you do that matters.
Make the most of the times you spend with your mum. And if she’s a little testy, agree with her (we all need to feel heard) then change the subject or activity.
Sometimes it’s the way we respond to a situation that makes a visit a good one or a bad one.
I do empathise having been there and worn the t shirt . And whilst my conscience is thankfully clear, I do wish I had given even more time and enjoyed every time we spent together.
Good luck and cherish her. x

Stop right now, dear lady, and tell yourself that you are doing more than enough for your mother.

When she starts complaining about rising prices, tell her nicely that we are all in the same boat, and that being a moaning Minnie does not make it any more endurable.

Does she try to stay in touch with her grandchildren, or does she expect them to come to her?

If you and your siblings are around 50, then your children are presumably in their late 20s and 30s - a busy time of life if I remember rightly.

Just because she is 80 and a widow does not give her the right to expect you all to amuse her.

Draw a line now - the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to do.

And if youre writing on a public forum how much of a nuisance she is to you, then I just dont feel any warmth from you towards her.

I dont know you and you clearly have a busy life. All I know is that getting older can be difficult and sometimes ends very abruptly.
I guess you're trying to say you feel stretched too thin already but I felt sorry for your poor mum because if she has a lot of things on her mind and no one is bothering to listen then she could feel very demoralised.
Maybe you just need something nice to do that is accessible. Women of her generation were encouraged to give up everything for the children.
I know that many people feel neglected.
Their idea of reasonable contact time just doesnt fit in with whats on offer in this society in this day and age.
Old people can feel marginalised and as if they are a burden to their youngsters.
They often squirrel cash away and tell you they cant afford something as basic as a T.V. because theyve been taught to never spend money on themselves.
Theyve put themselves last for so long that they find it impossible to break the habit.
But little surprises like going out for pizza together can completely change their mindset.
I think getting older can be a very sad process with endless loss of friends and keeping a positive moral can become much harder.

I think she would appreciate routine. Make a definite time to phone and a definite time to see her. You are so busy that you probably don’t realise where the time goes whereas she probably finds it goes slowly. If you can, rope in your siblings and the grandchildren to do the same. That way Mum will have something to look forward to most days. At her age she wants human contact not text messages.

Use some of her phrases back to her.
Well it's alright for you swanning around the WI and church fetes.
Wish I had time for that.
Oh well. Mustn't grumble.
Cheerio Ma.

It is called the sandwich generation. I went part time to see to my mum, and was planning to retire when she got worse, but she died suddenly.

I am now the "old lady" and see little of my children and their families who are like you. But I go to them.

I also do little things like empty bins, put out washing and play with their dogs when they are at work. Is there a regular thing she could do, like collecting your teen from an activity and stay for tea, perhaps?

As she drives, could you invite her for Saturday tea or Sunday lunch every now and then ? - these are the times that she is likely not to have activities and an extra plate is not a big deal.

Personally I don't think the amount of contact you have with your mum is anything to moan about.
At 80 of course she wants to see her family. Sounds like she is trying her best to remain independent despite her age.
Family time is precious and it will run out before you know it

A suit of armour, why do the English not like their old parents, when you were babies did your mother see you 3 times a month or did she raise you return the love

Wait until you are old and lonely, I had my dad every weekend, bank holidays and Christmas,

Oh and she often says that life is easier without my dad - he was a difficult man to be around and if he’d lived any longer may possibly have bankrupted them with his risky financial decisions (even in his late 70’s)

@coffeedrinking thinker - my mum was terrible with money and has a lovely flat and money to live on. She is certainly not, not spending what she has and also not consciously ensuring there is some left for us - myself and siblings are all financially very independent and have been for years. We have never had any financial ‘help’ and in fact my husband lent her some money the other year to help her buy a car but there is complete transparency of the finances so that’s not a. right assumption. Both my kids have mental health challenges and I also have in laws who are elderly so yes, on top of my busy life, being human, I don’t find her a joy to spend time with. I do some volunteering sometimes and also meet a lot of older people through my work - it has made me see her in a different light to be honest - I’m sorry if my post comes through as uncaring - it’s an honest reflection of how I feel and I am trying to work through with my siblings how to deal with it going forwards. Uncaring would be never calling and never seeing her - I’m not that person. And no, she never calls me except in an emergency.

You phone her once a week. You visit almost once a week.
You have your own busy life.
And now she has gotten into the 'habit' of moaning all the time.
Does she ever phone you?
Is she fit to drive to visit you?
Would that help?

loopyloo

My daughter texts me every morning to check we are ok .My son rings me every Saturday for an update. And I sends him a photo if we go out somewhere.
They both have very busy lives.
I can't walk far now, our car has gone, my dog has died.
It's not easy. I feel for this lady. Sometimes I just want someone to moan to!!
But then it could be a lot worse....

I agree

She’s clearly lonely and misses her husband.

Lots of friends, lunches out and being able to drive doesn’t ease the pain of losing someone with whom you’ve lived for years and years.

Things may get worse, they may not, but don’t feel guilty, and cut your DM a bit of slack.

You’re doing your best, that’s all you can do

I think you resent your mum wanting your time and it is clear you dont really want to make the effort to visit.
If she only has moans,then why not take the time to listen to her moans one at a time and see if you can understand her problems or frustrations.
Perhaps you feel you are being manipulated but you come across as uncaring in your attitude.
Maybe if you told your mum the exact time you are going to phone and then stuck to it, then your mother would know exactly when she will speak to you.
This prevents her wondering and waiting when you are going to call!.
If you set aside certain afternoons per month eg two. Then stuck to those visits with a trip to the cinema for example, then your mum would feel happier possibly and less of a burden.
And finally maybe you shouldnt share too much of your life with your mum if its making her feel old, unwanted and useless.
Possibly she feels she cant get into the grave fast enough for her adult children.
And maybe feels it is expected of her.
Let her know that the samaritans are willing to listen to her worries when she cant find anyone else and also give her the number for the Silver Line if she is seeking further security as to her current value in the world.
While she moans about the financial side of things it is also quite possible that she has tied her assets into a will for her family and refuses to touch it because she wants to leave a meaningful amount.
You could ask your mum about this to be absolutely sure that she hasnt overburdened herself on your behalf.

My daughter texts me every morning to check we are ok .My son rings me every Saturday for an update. And I sends him a photo if we go out somewhere.
They both have very busy lives.
I can't walk far now, our car has gone, my dog has died.
It's not easy. I feel for this lady. Sometimes I just want someone to moan to!!
But then it could be a lot worse....