Oh what to do !

Thank you for your supportive messages - not much we can change but always helpful to get a different perspective !

Luckygirl3 🤗💐 x

I think we all know how she feels - frustrated at all the things we cannot do, a bit envious of those who can, sad that time has left us in this situation, nostalgic for all the things we once could do, in pain.

The difference is that I keep my gob shut - I ask after the family, ask what I might be able to help them with, help my DGC with their music practice...... all the while feeling like shit. They are not daft, they know I am ill, but I hope they appreciate that I try to stay as upbeat as possible and not be a drain on everyone. But by golly it takes some energy and grit and determination which is sometimes very hard to muster.

Maybe your Mum's approach is more honest.......?

A threeway phone conversation (Whatsapp?) with your siblings might get a joint strategy worked out. You could plan your visits and phone calls so that there are no long gaps without contact with family for her to complain about.

I agree with cabbie too. It’s a long day when you are on your own so a call from each of you every few days will help her know you care and she will feel less invisible.
We all grow old, if we are lucky, I often think how I would feel if that were me in that situation.

Cabbie21

I think the only other thing I would suggest is that you and your siblings try to check in briefly with your Mum every couple of days, by text or phone, as that might make a difference to her mood. Of course if she uses it as a further moaning opportunity that won’t help.
Like your mum, I drive, belong to several groups etc, but that still leaves a lot of hours spent alone. Every contact with family is precious, but I do appreciate how busy their lives are.

Good advice, it’s regular contact that matters, even a text every couple of days will help.
We are all getting older and nobody truly knows how they will feel at a certain age.

When my father died my mother changed and became clingy, demanding and basically, depressed. She was 80. It was very difficult spending time with her. As I live in a different country I would go for long weekends and a week during the summer., etc. More was expected of me because my children were grown up. Basically,she gave up on life.
I used to make sure I had people (my friends) call to see us both when I was visiting, and also took her places to fill up the day and make things more bareable for me!
She got more and more demanding and difficult and ended up in a Home where she was even more unhappy..
All very sad but I can't say I was not relieved when she died.
4 years ago.
My relationship with my siblings is still very fractured.

Your mother is fortunate but is unable to see that. As others have said, you are being as generous with your time as you can be; at least you know you are doing your best so don’t be bullied into doing more. It’s a shame your mother is such hard work - an object lesson to the rest of us in how not to behave!

When she gets negative try to change the energy by saying, 'Remember when this happened, mum?' Just try to deflect back to happier times.
Share photos, talk about how you used to enjoy doing things together.
Maybe meet her on neutral ground more often- have a coffee somewhere she used to go with your dad?
I know this sounds like hard work but I try this with people close to me who are very negative like this.
These habits creep in with people and they begin to forget who they are and although they can be hard work you don't need to buy into it.
Don't just withdraw because this will cause more resentment, but at the same time you need to keep your own energy stocks high so don't feel bad if you just can't face it sometimes.
You sound like a caring daughter and she sounds like a very lucky woman who has forgotten how to be grateful, and is maybe still grieivng. Some people never make that transition back to who they were, sadly.

I think the only other thing I would suggest is that you and your siblings try to check in briefly with your Mum every couple of days, by text or phone, as that might make a difference to her mood. Of course if she uses it as a further moaning opportunity that won’t help.
Like your mum, I drive, belong to several groups etc, but that still leaves a lot of hours spent alone. Every contact with family is precious, but I do appreciate how busy their lives are.

I’m in my late 70s now and remember running round after my mum in her 80s at your age. The big difference was that I was only working very part time and having had my children quite young they were older teenagers and away at University and getting married themselves. I am sure the work situation makes a huge difference to what you can do. Now my AC work full time their children are older teenagers and adults and they travel a lot. I would keep doing what you are, try to ignore most of the moaning, unfortunately it will get harder I fear

I am sorry to hear this, GibraltarRock. Such people are very draining to be around, especially at a time when you are juggling working and teenagers.
I am sorry to say that I agree with the posters who suggest that she is unlikely to change, so certainly try your best, indeed throw a party for her birthday, but accept that she is unlikely to change, and it is not in your power to affect this.

I am a similar age to your mother and have a similar lifestyle. The amount of time you spend with your mother is very reasonable, I think, and I am sorry she appears discontented and critical as it will make you resentful of the time you spend with her. She is realizing and having to face up to the onset of real old age and it is not fun but only she can cope with that; you and your siblings are all supporting her and I hope you are able to continue doing that. As said earlier, hang onto your sense of humour, meet negatives with positives,point out your commitments. and resist being manipulated into a feeling of guilt.
(Oh dear,I sound like Little Mary Sunshine but I think you are doing OK.)

I agree with Aveline. This is just the start of what could be a very long road. Start as you mean to go on, what you’re doing now doesn’t sound too bad to me, but then I was an only one so did much more than you.
Keep your siblings involved, and maybe draw up a rota between you, encourage the teenagers to visit too, they’ll keep her young.
Wear a suit of armour, keep your sense of humour and carry on. Good luck.

Brace yourself. This situation is only going to get worse. As she gets older and her life becomes more restricted you will inevitably have to see more of her. It's what happens. I'm not saying this to be mean but to get you to consider how you'll feel when her advancing years rob her of her current physical and social condition.

She still drives, has friends and does a few clubs, coffee mornings, lunches out. That sounds like quite a good social life.

It's a shame she isn't content with that. She shouldn't make you feel guilty about lack of family time, life is really busy for juggling work and home life, plus children, it's a shame she doesn't understand that. It must have been the same for her when she was your age. Maybe she is just feeling a bit sorry for herself at the moment. Perhaps you could arrange a summer garden party with all her children and grandchildren present, that would be something for her to look forward to and the memory of it will keep her happy for a long while afterwards.

She's probably a bit envious of you and resents getting old! She may feel useless and not needed anymore either by you or your teenagers.
Being a widow is no fun.
Could she do something to help you which would give her satisfaction?