Narcissistic family member

We too have. Been subjected us to a narcissistic daughter in law , left 2 granddaughters very damaged, as is our son , fortunately gone with all the money etc so sad

JAN1954

24

Thank you JAN1954.

I wanted to check that he didn't have the power over her if she was still a teenager.

May I also ask, does she still live with him: has he in some way made her "responsible" for him so she feels tied to him - having to care for him practically speaking?

I'm guessing you are telling us that his narcissism involves putting her down, possibly gaslighting her. (that is where he has consistently presented her with an alternative reality of her, until she doesnt know who she is any more, or thinks very badly of herself)

You are actually doing, atm, a great deal by "Being there for her" as much as you can.

My advice is not to try to take on the father, it will cause you grief (as it definitely seems to have had in your description) and he could take it out on her.

What you are in effect doing by being as supportive as you can is presenting her with her own, benign, kind, reality. Dont underestimate the power this has.

Its hard to say more unless we know if she is living with him

and either feels dependant on his goodwill
or is in a caring role she feels she cant escape

or is leading her own life and work but still "in his power" in some way.

If she is in mental distress because of him it would be good if she could access some counselling to help unpick the damage

as many posters - (including myself, in my case a marriage) have to build their own reality and some self worth back.

I think JAN54 posted this to seek advice and support. Whenever anyone has a narcissist in their life they should break contact as you will never win- very difficult to do. As for his daughter, how old is she and if she is still a minor can social services intervene? This child/young person will grow up to have enormous problems with relationships in later life

Are you her mother? Is he like this with all women or just his daughter? I would try and meet up with this girl by herself if that is loss and if you can offer her support even if it is just an text telling her you love her and are proud of her .

Sago

I had a narcissistic Mother and a physically abusive Father.

I wish growing up I had someone in my life who told me it wasn’t my fault and explained how narcissists operate.

It would have helped me enormously.

A narc will never change and will always believe they are right, you will never win.

I was brought up in the same circumstances. So completely agree. My father was downright cruel, mentally, emotionally and physically abusive us children apart from my sister. My mother didn't stop him she encouraged him because he was a 'real man' who didn't hit women but beat his daughters. The recommended advice is to go no contact. Just completely remove yourself from them and the situation. Narcissistic people and cruel people get enjoyment from making others suffer. It feeds them.Sadly it's usually the child that they prey on as the child at first doesn't understand what is going on and also can't prevent it happening. My mother made us believe that we were a normal family and everyone else wasn't even implying that something sinister was going on with my friends who had loving dad's. She'd go into a rage if she thought we'd told.
Get your relative away from him ASAP. It damages deeply.

ginnycomelately

We too have. Been subjected us to a narcissistic daughter in law , left 2 granddaughters very damaged, as is our son , fortunately gone with all the money etc so sad

Your son has to take some of the blame for the damage to his daughters. He was an adult, the daughters were children. How can an adult stand by and let someone abuse their children 🤔

Hufferlump

ginnycomelately

We too have. Been subjected us to a narcissistic daughter in law , left 2 granddaughters very damaged, as is our son , fortunately gone with all the money etc so sad

Your son has to take some of the blame for the damage to his daughters. He was an adult, the daughters were children. How can an adult stand by and let someone abuse their children 🤔

That is quite unfair, Hufferlump. You get worn down by the abuse, you lose self-confidence and you can't see the wood for the trees. It is the same for men as it is for women.

My son is doing his best to shield his children but his wife tends to abuse him more.

Newatthis

I think JAN54 posted this to seek advice and support. Whenever anyone has a narcissist in their life they should break contact as you will never win- very difficult to do. As for his daughter, how old is she and if she is still a minor can social services intervene? This child/young person will grow up to have enormous problems with relationships in later life

The O/P has told us, aged 24, but we don't know more. And we don't know what the relationship is with the abusive one.

My Father was a abusive B......, took great delight always shouting me down, telling me I would amount to nothing. Embarrassing me in front of everyone. Verbally very abusive. Almost destroyed me.
I can say hand on heart I hate him, snd my silly Mother as well. It feels so good to write this down. For the record he was a vile pig, he knew everything and knew nothing. No telling him anything.

Rafichagran, sounds like you had a pretty miserable childhood 😥. Well done you for coming out the other side and you don't have to suffer his bullying any more.

I hope you enjoy your life now and you're happy, despite your sadness growing up 💐.

JAN1954 I have given a lot of thought to this post.

You are clearly frightened by this man as is the girl involved.

We would be better able to help if we knew the circumstances.

Is the girl your daughter/granddaughter, do you live with this man, do you both have financial freedom?

NPD is a dreadful disorder that does so much damage to children/partners/parents.

As a daughter of a narc (mother) and violent bully (father) I spent a lot of my life treading on eggshells.

I felt responsible for everyone’s emotional state, I had to learn quickly to read my narc mother, the slightest look, intonation in her voice could mean trouble.
She was unpredictable which of course is a form of control.

She always had a trick up her sleeve, I once brought a friend home from school, my mother was charm personified, my relief was enormous but then over dinner she told the friend what an awful person I was and that she should find a more suitable friend.

I could go on and on and living with a narc I know you wouldn’t doubt anything I told you.

I always prayed that after my parents had both died I would have a few happy years without them.
My father died over 30 years ago and my Mother 5 years ago.
I am more at peace than I have ever been.

The only way to deal with a narcissist is to not be in their life.

I feel for you. I have a narcissistic ex son in law. He told my daughter he would destroy her emotionally physically and financially if she left him. After divorce and five years on it gets worse as she has to co-parent with him under a Court Order. As grandparents it is heartbreaking to see the fall out and my two beautiful grandchildren aged 12 & 7 it is so worrying a situation. How to deal with these people I don’t know. My daughter has her own home a new partner her children 60% of the time and he has not destroyed her but life isn’t easy.
Anyone dealing with a narcissistic person has my deepest sympathy. To others they can appear charming life is an act they wear a mask.
I too wonder how many other grandparents are going through this supporting their adult children and grandchildren.

I had a similar upbringing as you. Sending hugs xx

I would tell her to talk to a trusted teacher at school. Not sure how old she is but that route might be a good option. It's taking it out of his control and the school will listen and know how to respond. That could help her more than anything.

Plevey08

I would tell her to talk to a trusted teacher at school. Not sure how old she is but that route might be a good option. It's taking it out of his control and the school will listen and know how to respond. That could help her more than anything.

She is 24

The only thing I can think of is that this young woman must be enabled (by you/with you?) to completely remove herself from her father’s influence, physically to start with. Therapy, or whatever help is appropriate, can be looked into afterwards.

If you are her mother/his wife or partner, the same advice applies to you, whatever it takes.

Wishing you both a brighter future.

Thanks Sago. Missed the age 24, thought it was a much younger person. Any chance of getting her out of there

I’d call this man a sadist rather than a narc.
Would that label induce you and the girl to seek help and sever ties?
I’d hope so.
Also, find your local women’s refuge and group, they are tremendously supportive.