Helping son's GF pay for my DD's hen

Agree re totally outrageous cost of hen /stag wknds nowadays. Have recently heard of a couple also hosting an evening meal for close family the night before the wedding. They will be footing the bill for 19 people!

Just give your son a chunk of money for the two of them, saying "Life is expensive and these hen and stag do's must be costing you both a fortune. Here's some cash to make it all a bit more manageable. If you don't fancy the hen / stag then use the money to cover some of the cost of attending the wedding".".
And then just leave it up to them.

Do you think the GF would think it rude not to accept the invitation from your DD. It’s a tricky one as you don’t want to offend her by giving her lots of money or maybe she’ll just accept it and tell you what a very generous person you are. Personally I think hen party’s are a hugh waste of money, money that could be much better spent I’m sure.

Ask DS if they both want to go to stag and hen do's.
If its a yes then give DS money for them to share to pay for the do's "for the treat".
then it doesnt involve pressure on Jane.

Hen do's are ridiculous these days. The huge sums spent would be better put toward something for the home instead of a probably druken few days.

Tell her it’s a free night then it’s up to her if she goes or not. Then you pick up her cost. If she attends.

I'm still not sure that the girlfriend wants to go.
I'd establish that before I gave her money as once she has the cash she basically has "no excuse".

As I said before I d help with houses, degrees baby stuff but not on a hen week in Spain if they want to waste money in that way that’s theirs to do

My children all paid for their own weddings too I thought the idea of the parents paying had long gone

Oh my word! I can't believe how many unasked for opinions are being rallied around when someone is just asking for a bit of friendly advice.
Pinkboot5 I think it is a lovely idea to help your son's GF out. Maybe you could bring the conversation around, when talking about the hen do, say "It all sounds very expensive" if she says something like "Yes, I don't know how we'll afford it", that's your opening. The birthday present idea is good too x

Well, I would do as NotSpaghetti has suggested.
I know it's frowned upon to give money to your adult children, as they should learn the value of money and not live beyond their means. And, I do agree to a certain extent. However, I also agree that if you can afford it, it's not wrong to help them out. I just wish someone would have helped us out when we were young!

ferry23

Hen nights - baby showers - gender reveals - prom nights...

I don't think hen nights were even a thing when I got married and the stag night was a few beers down the pub with some mates.

Once you've gone on the hen night to Ibiza for 5 days and then to the wedding in Cyprus you could have bought a small house

Just a tad of an exaggeration 🤷‍♀️

NotSpaghetti

As you will help your son too, maybe you could give them each the cash at the same time so both of them have an envelope? That way she will see him accept - if she's reluctant to accept.

This.

It seems they've made intensions known, not anything anyone else should judge - just give cash as you please. I hope they have fun.

Redblueandgreen This is the question from the OP

* I feel she would be reluctant to accept any contribution from me and would welcome advice on how best to present this to encourage her to accept!*

Indeed whiff the topic was about the OP giving money to her son and his GF to go to a stag/hen do. Not about helping them to buy a property or pay for their wedding. They haven’t asked for the money and it sounds as though they are going, so what’s the problem here? I’ve been in a similar position as the OP and I adore my son’s gf, I love treating them both. I would prefer to see them enjoying my son’s ‘inheritance’ whilst I can rather than when I’m gone. Like you my husband and I worked hard for what we have, as did our parents and did not expect handouts, but I don’t think slipping a couple £100 each to go out will undermine our financial achievements.

Show me ONE example of “vitriol”.
Just because people’s opinions do not chime with your own does not make them “vitriolic”.

As you will help your son too, maybe you could give them each the cash at the same time so both of them have an envelope? That way she will see him accept - if she's reluctant to accept.

OP, as far as I can see your original post does not ask a question as such. More looked back at my responses and as far as I can see there is nothing vitriolic, if there you feel there is I apologise, it was not my intention. I don’t know of course what responses you refer to and mine may not be included.
I offered my perspective on the situation that you presented (and again under know obvious question in your post). My opinion isi think as valid as anyone else’s.
Generally on GN you will get a broad range of reasonable responses which I always think is helpful.
Have I missed a question in your OP?
Did you have a particular response in mind that you wanted from us when you posted?
There’s the facility to report anything on GN that you think breeches guidelines.
Your post has provoked much debate which is what GN net does really well in my opinion.
It’s your first post you said and from my point of view you are very welcom.

If we know she wants to go I'd be happy to help.

I'd put cash in an envelope and say something like - I know this hen do is expensive and I'd like to just help you out a little.
Please accept this as a small gift because we are all very fond of/love you and want you to have fun.

I would be upfront about it.
I would definitely not contribute to the whole event because as you say it will spread thinly!

nandad don't be ridiculous. The topic was helping her son's girlfriend go to the hen do. I said what my children did and my niece .

Of course my children had birthday and Christmas presents etc. I was widowed when I was 45 my husband was 47 . Our children where 20 and 16. I wasn't brought up with money my parents worked on factory floors. So learn the value of money from an early age and saving for things you want . And we past those values on to our children. My brother did the same with his children.

The term I hate is the bank of mom and dad. Everything I and my husband had and what I have now , my children,my brother and his children they have gotten is through saving and going without to get what they want .

What is wrong with that .

Pinkboot you could always ask your son for his opinion?
Good luck and I hope it all works out well..

I think it's a lovely thought and I'd certainly encourage you to pay towards Jane's costs if you can afford it.

Goodness, what a lot of strong views on the modern hen & harsh judgement of my own DD.

I hadn't expected Gransnetters to be so ....vitriolic.

Thank you very much to those of you who addressed my actual query. I really appreciate the range of views & you've certainly given me food for thought.

I asked as I have chosen not to go to hen dos in the past.

You could ask if she really wants to go before you assume.

I think Spaghetti makes an excellent point. Everyone is different and this is just my opinion but the hen do sounds pretty grim to me. OP mentions “drink” and “themed costumes”. Lots of people don’t drink for various reasons and it’s their business if they don’t. The idea of “themed outfits” is one that fills me with dread and would have never attended anything like that when I was young. Nothing wrong with it just not everyone’s cup of tea.
OP says she has known this girl four years, she is nice and OP thinks a lot of her. I believe that this girl will know OP thinks a lot of her and that will mean something to her whether she attends the hen do or not.
I’m wondering if DD has considered whether everyone will be able to afford to go to the hen do? Is DD as close to her brothers GF and does she want her to go as much as OP does?