Helping son's GF pay for my DD's hen

Goodness, what a lot of strong views on the modern hen & harsh judgement of my own DD.

I hadn't expected Gransnetters to be so ....vitriolic.

Thank you very much to those of you who addressed my actual query. I really appreciate the range of views & you've certainly given me food for thought.

I think it's a lovely thought and I'd certainly encourage you to pay towards Jane's costs if you can afford it.

Pinkboot you could always ask your son for his opinion?
Good luck and I hope it all works out well..

nandad don't be ridiculous. The topic was helping her son's girlfriend go to the hen do. I said what my children did and my niece .

Of course my children had birthday and Christmas presents etc. I was widowed when I was 45 my husband was 47 . Our children where 20 and 16. I wasn't brought up with money my parents worked on factory floors. So learn the value of money from an early age and saving for things you want . And we past those values on to our children. My brother did the same with his children.

The term I hate is the bank of mom and dad. Everything I and my husband had and what I have now , my children,my brother and his children they have gotten is through saving and going without to get what they want .

What is wrong with that .

If we know she wants to go I'd be happy to help.

I'd put cash in an envelope and say something like - I know this hen do is expensive and I'd like to just help you out a little.
Please accept this as a small gift because we are all very fond of/love you and want you to have fun.

I would be upfront about it.
I would definitely not contribute to the whole event because as you say it will spread thinly!

OP, as far as I can see your original post does not ask a question as such. More looked back at my responses and as far as I can see there is nothing vitriolic, if there you feel there is I apologise, it was not my intention. I don’t know of course what responses you refer to and mine may not be included.
I offered my perspective on the situation that you presented (and again under know obvious question in your post). My opinion isi think as valid as anyone else’s.
Generally on GN you will get a broad range of reasonable responses which I always think is helpful.
Have I missed a question in your OP?
Did you have a particular response in mind that you wanted from us when you posted?
There’s the facility to report anything on GN that you think breeches guidelines.
Your post has provoked much debate which is what GN net does really well in my opinion.
It’s your first post you said and from my point of view you are very welcom.

As you will help your son too, maybe you could give them each the cash at the same time so both of them have an envelope? That way she will see him accept - if she's reluctant to accept.

Show me ONE example of “vitriol”.
Just because people’s opinions do not chime with your own does not make them “vitriolic”.

Indeed whiff the topic was about the OP giving money to her son and his GF to go to a stag/hen do. Not about helping them to buy a property or pay for their wedding. They haven’t asked for the money and it sounds as though they are going, so what’s the problem here? I’ve been in a similar position as the OP and I adore my son’s gf, I love treating them both. I would prefer to see them enjoying my son’s ‘inheritance’ whilst I can rather than when I’m gone. Like you my husband and I worked hard for what we have, as did our parents and did not expect handouts, but I don’t think slipping a couple £100 each to go out will undermine our financial achievements.

Redblueandgreen This is the question from the OP

* I feel she would be reluctant to accept any contribution from me and would welcome advice on how best to present this to encourage her to accept!*

NotSpaghetti

As you will help your son too, maybe you could give them each the cash at the same time so both of them have an envelope? That way she will see him accept - if she's reluctant to accept.

This.

It seems they've made intensions known, not anything anyone else should judge - just give cash as you please. I hope they have fun.

ferry23

Hen nights - baby showers - gender reveals - prom nights...

I don't think hen nights were even a thing when I got married and the stag night was a few beers down the pub with some mates.

Once you've gone on the hen night to Ibiza for 5 days and then to the wedding in Cyprus you could have bought a small house

Just a tad of an exaggeration 🤷‍♀️

Well, I would do as NotSpaghetti has suggested.
I know it's frowned upon to give money to your adult children, as they should learn the value of money and not live beyond their means. And, I do agree to a certain extent. However, I also agree that if you can afford it, it's not wrong to help them out. I just wish someone would have helped us out when we were young!

Oh my word! I can't believe how many unasked for opinions are being rallied around when someone is just asking for a bit of friendly advice.
Pinkboot5 I think it is a lovely idea to help your son's GF out. Maybe you could bring the conversation around, when talking about the hen do, say "It all sounds very expensive" if she says something like "Yes, I don't know how we'll afford it", that's your opening. The birthday present idea is good too x

My children all paid for their own weddings too I thought the idea of the parents paying had long gone

As I said before I d help with houses, degrees baby stuff but not on a hen week in Spain if they want to waste money in that way that’s theirs to do

I'm still not sure that the girlfriend wants to go.
I'd establish that before I gave her money as once she has the cash she basically has "no excuse".

Tell her it’s a free night then it’s up to her if she goes or not. Then you pick up her cost. If she attends.

Hen do's are ridiculous these days. The huge sums spent would be better put toward something for the home instead of a probably druken few days.

Ask DS if they both want to go to stag and hen do's.
If its a yes then give DS money for them to share to pay for the do's "for the treat".
then it doesnt involve pressure on Jane.

Do you think the GF would think it rude not to accept the invitation from your DD. It’s a tricky one as you don’t want to offend her by giving her lots of money or maybe she’ll just accept it and tell you what a very generous person you are. Personally I think hen party’s are a hugh waste of money, money that could be much better spent I’m sure.

Just give your son a chunk of money for the two of them, saying "Life is expensive and these hen and stag do's must be costing you both a fortune. Here's some cash to make it all a bit more manageable. If you don't fancy the hen / stag then use the money to cover some of the cost of attending the wedding".".
And then just leave it up to them.

Agree re totally outrageous cost of hen /stag wknds nowadays. Have recently heard of a couple also hosting an evening meal for close family the night before the wedding. They will be footing the bill for 19 people!

I've never been asked to an expensive "hen" but it did cost the best part of a grand for (just) my OH and I to attend my niece's wedding eight years ago(hotels , outfits, weekend care for the dog; cash wedding gift; transport ; spending money).
The idea of spending hundreds on a hen seems ridiculous to me.
More money than sense as my late mother would say.

Keyboard warriors can and frequently do say anything they want sadly! It may not be what we did when we were young but times have changed. I think it’s lovely that you want Jane to be able to go. Maybe sound your son out first as to whether she would really like to go then if you have the relationship with her that I suspect you do, maybe just be upfront, say you consider her a member of the family and would like her to be involved with the wedding and would she accept something towards the hen as a gift or early birthday present. It may be the case that if the other hen’s are older than her she may feel out of place but won’t want to admit that. Our son didn’t go to our son in law’s stag do abroad as he was much younger than the others and said he’d have nothing in common with most of them. He was 24 at the time and my son in law and his friends were 31/32. They had an evening out in London with the Dad’s, uncles and close family friends instead. The age gap has diminished over the last 8 years and they’re great friends. The other alternative is maybe if your daughter is willing have a hen afternoon or evening which just involves family. Wishing your daughter and her future husband every happiness and enjoy being MoB!👒