How can I deal with my friends cancelling on me?

I believe if you make an arrangement you should do your utmost to honour it even if you have grandkids and to respect those without grandchildren by not banging on about them constantly - including showing dozens of photos . It’s not fair to let people down unless absolutely necessary . The constant appearing on face book with heaps of food in a restaurant or glass of wine and smug face is also a bit boring but such are people .

I am not particularly understanding when people cancel at the last minute. Often what constitutes an ‘emergency’ to them just means that it will be more convenient if they do something else instead of sticking to an arrangement. What many people don’t consider is how inconvenient it might be for you if they cry off. You (generic) may have rearranged things, put arrangements of your own in place or turned down other invitations in order to keep to what you had agreed, and to be told that none of that matters because the other party has something better to do is really not on, IMO.

Of course family comes first; but that usually applies to far more genuinely ‘emergency’ situations. I also think it’s rude to drone on about grandchildren to the exclusion of other conversations. We all love our nearest and dearest, but should remember that they are just ‘someone else’s kids’ to most other people. It’s the same with dogs, holidays etc. If they’ve done something truly remarkable, or if they are behaving in a worrying manner, a real friend will care and want to know, but ‘Fred’s got a new car’, or ‘Olivia got a gold star for her drawing at school’ conversations should last no more than five minutes, and preferably not be accompanied by 342 photos .

What to do? Maybe say that as you are fed up with being cancelled on, next time could she call you when she’s definitely free and you will see if you are able to meet up? That way you won’t have missed out on anything else, or be disappointed not to go.

I agree with above about limiting conversation re grandchildren ..we all start off with a general v quick round up of how they’re all doing, then move on to wider inclusive topics. My friends now seem to go on about their exotic winter holidays and constantly put white beach and turquoise water photos on the wassap groups ..always with the temperature in degrees ..annoying when I’ve woke up to dark rainy mornings, about to scrape ice off the windscreen. 😂😫

As a gran with adult GC now I would say to the grans who drop friends every time for the GC one day you will find the GC not around or needing caring for. At this point friends can be very precious. I know sometimes you just have to help as I have myself but do keep a life of your own.

Don't give up, persevere. Good friends are precious

People who will drop friends in favour of family commitments on a regular basis really should think about boundaries. If we allow our children to demand constant free childcare, so that we can no longer honour our own friendships, it bodes badly for the future. Very soon grandchildren will no longer need regular care and those who gave up their friendships for them will be left stranded, finding their friends have moved on and they have lost precious relationships. Genuine friendship is one of life's treasures. Grandchildren are wonderful, but they only need us for a short period until they launch, all too soon into their own lives.

My friend and me meet every fortnight for lunch and a catch up .xamways with the proviso that we can cancel if needed for grannie duties….not often now as hers are all grown and my youngest is 12 . My daughter works a way from home a lot and is separated ….although they both share the care of kids , one week on-one week off….sometimes for dental apps or jabs or hospital apps( quite regular) with 12 yet old …I step in . It enables my daughter to not have to cancel her lecture tours. And for SIL to go do his job ( teaching) without too much upheaval. I’m available and willing to do it. My friends u deter and ….we all have reciprocal arrangements.

‘understand’

Gosh amazing responses and loads of food for thought here, many thanks indeed to everyone who replied to my post.

I realise now I have taken the cancellations personally. They are still very special friends to me, but its not true the other way around any more. My friends 'special friends' are now their grandchildren. I can also see that I might have behaved the same way if I had ever been lucky enough to have grandkids. I dont think they are stepping in to provide childcare cover, I think they just prefer to take the grandkids swimming, to the Panto and out to attractions. All these things are new (grandkids 4 and 6) whereas we have been exchanging meals with each other in more or less the same format for decades. Perhaps it is indeed time to move on, although easier said than done. Making new friends is hardly easy. I have two volunteering jobs, am very active in U3A and village clubs but none of these things has generated friends I would regularly invite to lunch. However I can see scope for joining a weekend walking group or maybe volunteering for the National Trust to fill the gap left by not seeing friends at the weekend. I have now sent my friends a What's App saying I hope they enjoy the swimming trip and maybe we can sort something out when the nicer weather rolls around. I wont contact them again, but I will respond if they get back to me. Its a bit worrying. I first met them when I was 18 and they have been closer to me than my own family.

It’s tricky that’s for sure. I’ve got two main friends, both of whom became grandparents much sooner than me and we all have different circumstances. They certainly did, and sometimes still do, cancel for grandchildren. But, knowing their adult children and the personalities involved, I can see why they do it. They are relied upon. Made to feel guilty if they don’t do it. It’s not that they don’t like me, they do, but the grandchildren take precedence. I’ve two choices: accept it or lose the friendship. I choose to be flexible. I’ve got a grandchild myself and he means everything to me but I am not involved in his care as they live abroad. I’ve no doubt I’d leap into action if they were nearer.

The trick is join clubs, NT, other groups where you will meet more people, like I did, without children, grandchildren, older adult children where the grandkids are teens etc. that way there is no relying on these old friends and you may find that you will be the one struggling to fit them in when they suggest a date!

You know, this has not happened to me with my more, ahem, mature friends, but I see it all the time with younger people. We hosted a get-together around the holidays to have some people over to see my daughter and grandbaby who were in town for three days. The people who are my daughter's age - 30ish either never replied, or passed a reply through their parents, and then at the last minute, blew us off to go to a football game. Happened last year too!

Honestly, I think that there is a general lack of civility in society, and people are always waiting for something better to come along and willing to cancel to be able to go to the "better" event!

Why not invite them to come along and bring the grandchildren?

I'm a 'nana' and have just said no to a friend too, due to seeing my grandchildren on the date she asked, as its the school hols, so I get to see my eldest grandchildren then too. Go on your local council site and find the local school holiday dates and plan some dates in between the holidays. Give a few dates that may help. I've rearranged with my friend to an appropriate day.

I am sure you do not wish to appear to be needy. Maybe leave the ball in their court and see what happens. If they do not bother to rearrange or get in touch so be it.

There is a big difference between saying no to a suggestion of meeting and cancelling an arrangement though.

Most people understand the former - an invitation is not an order - but the latter can be very selfish and inconsiderate.

Could you invite them plus grandchildren, and play grandma by proxy.?

It’s very rude to continually cancel, unless for a real emergency. It’s also very rude to spout on and on about one’s grandchildren to anyone, not just friends without grandchildren. Nothing more boring imho. If people have a general interest they can ask, and often then it’s out of politeness and shouldn’t be an invitation for endless photos and stories. My friends share special moments, clips of adorable ‘firsts’ on WhatsApp but we never spend our time together talking about grandchildren per se unless there’s an exciting update, a worry or health issue. My dear mum loved all her grandchildren but used to say ‘I don’t like old people, all they do is talk about their grandchildren or how well their kids are doing’.